Charlie Weis And The Chocolate Factory

Nil by mouth - Roger Ebert's Journal

2010-01-10T12:59:00.000-06:00

Nil by mouth - Roger Ebert's Journal: "starts"

If It's Mangino, Expect This Blog to Resume in Force

2009-11-30T14:23:00.000-06:00

So Fucking Fired

2009-11-30T14:21:00.002-06:00

No Comment

2009-07-31T16:55:00.002-05:00

Things Georgia Gubernatorial Candidates Have Stuck Their Penises In For $500, Alex

2009-05-01T17:13:00.011-05:00

Georgia gubernatorial candidate Neil Horsley is running on The Creator's Rights Party ticket. He's anti-abortion and gay sex, except for when it's experimental, and is extremely in favor of killing abortion doctors -- even going so far as to publish Old West-style wanted posters (the U.S. government asked him to stop doing this, characterizing it as "too subtle"). He's also admittedly anti-American, pro-secession, and is generally in favor of terrorism.

Oh, and he's fucked a mule. And a watermelon. And "just about everything it's physically possible to have sex with, and some that isn't." Say what you will, but at least an anti-abortion/pro-bestiality philosophy offers those kids a plausible alternative to doin' the nasty.

Anyway, to our Georgia readers, you know what to do. Palin/Horsley 2012, baby!

Best Swine Flu Cartoons

2009-04-29T17:15:00.006-05:00

It's Like He's Speaking My Soul

2009-03-13T22:15:00.002-05:00

Matt Taibbi has a sports column at Men's Journal. It's the perfect combination of vitriol, snappy prose, and bald sensibility that fans of his know and love.

Brett Favre: Honestly, if I hear that fucker’s name one more time, I swear I’m going to drive a bus full of kids off a cliff. There must be numbers from some marketing genius somewhere that show that every time his face appears on TV, two more hicks in Arkansas buy bags of Cheetos and five more pill-popping trailer housewives decide to blow off making home lunches and spend their welfare checks feeding their kids at Applebee’s. I guess I understand it. Football skills aside, Favre is, wrapped in one package, everything that attracts the attention of the superfluous sports hack: an emotional story line about a deceased “hero” dad; an activist, cancer-surviving wife who likes the camera and who never hesitates to go on at length about her and her husband’s “awesome” relationship; an inspirational recovery from pill addiction; a willingness to go on air with Greta Van Susteren; and a seemingly endless, once-a-year, will-he-or-won’t-he retirement controversy. Favre is also a half-literate white southerner who played in the northern Midwest (from a marketing point of view, he’s like both halves of a presidential ticket), giving him natural appeal to all the key demographics. As much as I can’t stand Favre, I’m hoping he outlives me, because the Tim Russert effect after his death would be overwhelming.

Offered Without Comment

2009-03-11T16:08:00.001-05:00

Oh, wow.

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas (AP) - Seven employees at a state-run home for the mentally disabled have been suspended for allegedly staging a "fight club" among residents.

TGRWT #15: Smoked Salmon & Dark Chocolate

2009-02-22T15:42:00.009-06:00

One of our favorite food blogs, Khymos, runs a monthly event called "They Go Really Well Together." They pick two ingredients that aren't commonly used together -- but scientifically should be compatible -- and challenge bloggers to create a recipe featuring the pair. Here is our first foray into the unknown, featuring this month's pair: smoked salmon and dark chocolate.

Smoked Salmon Cigars with Dark Chocolate Mole

Cigars
(2) 4.5oz packages Smoked Salmon
8oz whipped Cream Cheese
Lemon, with zest
Salt & Pepper
Phyllo dough
Butter, melted
Dark Chocolate Cocoa Powder

Combine cream cheese, lemon and zest. Salt and pepper to taste. Fill half sheets of phyllo dough with a strip of salmon and the cream cheese mixture, rolling dough into a cigar shape. Brush top of cigars with melted butter. Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes, or until tops are lightly browned. Dust with cocoa powder.

Mole
Sesame Oil
Onion, diced
(6) cloves Garlic
3.5oz bar Dark Chocolate
28oz can Tomatoes
(6) dried Guajillo chiles
2tbs Pasilla chile powder
(10) Black Peppercorns
Mexican Oregano
Cinnamon
Cloves
Allspice
Fresh Thyme
Fennel Seeds
Tortilla, shredded.

Saute onion in sesame oil. When translucent, add all other ingredients to taste. Simmer for at least 45 minutes. Strain if desired.

Garnishes
Chives
Shaved Dark Chocolate
Lemon Zest
Sesame Seeds
Sesame Oil infused with Chiles

Serve cigar in a pool of mole, and garnish as desired.

RESULTS

Surprisingly, this worked exceptionally well from a flavor standpoint, and looked terrific (despite photographic evidence to the contrary). I wanted to make sure that the two featured ingredients were, well, featured. While the dark chocolate was assertive but not overpowering in the fairly simple mole, I thought I needed to up the chocolate factor a bit. The the shavings provided little bursts of chocolaty flavor, but weren't a distraction. The salmon/cream cheese cigars had a fantastic taste and consistency. Note that the lemon adds a needed hit of acid and lightness, and the sesame/chile oil helped tie everything together.

The only knock on the dish was that the phyllo wrappers weren't quite crisp enough. Were I to make these again, I'd probably use a slightly higher temp on the cigars, crisp them in a skillet, or substitute egg roll wrappers or puff pastry. A crunchy wrapper would make this a real winner.

Oops, I Crapped My Pants

2009-01-16T18:22:00.006-06:00

(click pic for hi-res)

For those of you who are not up to date on this story, it appears that at a tailgate for the BCS National Championship game, an AOPi from the University of Florida ... weeeelll:

Received via third-hand email: "My friend saw this girl squatting near his tailgate for the [national championship] game [Thursday] night and thought she was just pissing until she stood up and came over to talk to them. That's when they noticed..." [ed. note: doody]

For reasons of common decency, Georgia Sports Blog later took down the pictures, which were printed in redacted format at Every Day Should Be Saturday and Deadspin (wow, this girl's life is toast). Fortunately, this blog suffers from no such constraints, but we have yet to get our hands on an unedited picture (hint, hint).

Now comes the investigation. Who is she? Where are her sketchy Facebook pics? Only you, dear readers, can help. We'll get you started with the UF AOPi website. Onward!

(does a bear shit in the parking lot?)

We're pretty sure the only thing that can save this chick now is a face transplant, and she'll doubtless be getting the boot from her chapter. Regardless, the girls are going to have to suffer through years of "Alpha Omicron Pi is such a shitty sorority" jokes.

Dripping Kuntz Ready For Action

2008-11-22T16:05:00.003-06:00

This afternoon's Notre Dame -Syracuse tilt descended into a one-sided snowball fight as Irish fans justifiably pelted their own sorry-ass excuse for a football team:

When the Irish defense held a meeting on the sideline, injured linebacker Brian Smith stood on a bench to try to shield his teammates. But when a snowball hit defensive tackle Pat Kuntz, he stood and faced the crowd and appeared to challenge whoever threw it to come down on the field.

Quarterback Jimmy Claussen threw a wobbly snowball in the culprit's general direction, but his attempt was intercepted and eaten by Charlie Weis.

Palin In Uneasy Embrace With Gay Community

2008-10-30T13:45:00.003-05:00

Tha Carter Loves the Green Wave

2008-10-02T11:09:00.002-05:00

Lil' Weezy is a Tulane fan...but keep it on the low.

Some people were also asking if I like college sports, and the answer is yes, I do. For college football, my favorite team is LSU, of course. On the low, I'm a little bit of a Tulane fan as well. My assistant, she's a Tulane graduate. We almost had East Carolina this year but I ain't gonna say nothing about that.

Georgia - Alabama

2008-09-27T20:35:00.000-05:00

I blame Larry Munson.

Shanespotting

2008-08-04T17:51:00.002-05:00

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Shanespotting

Charlie Weis never recruits shanes. Never.

What The Hell?

2008-03-29T18:10:00.002-05:00

Via UmpBump:

In a bizarre drama, Hideki Matsui announced on Thursday that he has secretly gotten married, but he refuses to divulge the identity of his wife, showing only sketches of her drawn by himself and his brother.

What made the whole situation even more bizarre is that Matsui may have married her in order to win a bet he made with teammates Derek Jeter and Bobby Abreu.

Offered without comment. This is all very confusing.

Random Bitching About CBS' NCAA Coverage

2008-03-29T17:46:00.003-05:00

As a casual college basketball non-fan, I freely admit that I know nothing about the game and only watch it while gambling. Perhaps some of you hoops diehards can clue me in on a couple of things:

Why the hell does CBS (or the NCAA, if that's who is making the decisions) run multiple games at the same time? I get the fact that they don't want their viewers stuck watching a blowout, but it sort of sucks that 75% of the country didn't get to watch one second of O.J. Mayo in the tournament. And don't give me some crap about how spacing out the games (even to the extent of adding extra days) would hurt revenue at the arenas, cause travel problems, or hurt the "students'" academics -- ticket sales are chump change, logistic problems are solvable, and basketball players don't go to class. Assuming the games are valuable ratings-grabbers ... wouldn't you want to show more of them?
Who is the midget playing for Xavier?

Mr. McFadden's No Good, Very Bad Day

2008-03-27T12:52:00.005-05:00

MSNBC:

Reid, Turley and Lieb are among more than 800 customers who responded to the first wave of marketing for do-it-yourself DNA paternity tests sold as Identigene by Sorenson Genomics of Salt Lake City.

...

Results are reported online, by phone or by mail in three to five business days. They come back as a probability figure that verifies paternity with 98 percent to 99 percent accuracy, Watson said.

What?!?! Oh, shit.

Atonement, Part 2

2008-03-25T20:10:00.004-05:00

All good things come to an end, and the greatest thing we've seen in a while is Can The Cubs Mend My Heart?

The author was a recently dumped Chicago fan who dreamed of a Cubs championship ... and his girlfriend coming back to him. Unfortunately, well, people on the internets are big meanies, especially to soul-baring douchebaggery. The site has now been taken down, but you can go here to see some of the best parts.

Tulane Baseball Update: The Hitters: March 25

2008-03-25T18:30:00.000-05:00

Week in Review:

Mar 23, 2008	Tulane Green Wave 12, Sacred Heart 0	Box score
Mar 22, 2008	Tulane Green Wave 5, Sacred Heart 2	Box score
Mar 21, 2008	Tulane Green Wave 8, Sacred Heart 0	Box score
Mar 19, 2008	LSU Tigers 7, Tulane Green Wave 5	Box score

Well, the cannon fodder scored on us this weekend, but the story was much the same. By Game 3, Sacred Heart's depth was more or less shot to hell -- the umps could have called mercy sometime in the third inning and everyone would have been happier. Again, I think pulling any conclusions from the weekend slate of games is silly, and WE SHALL NOT SPEAK OF THE MIDWEEK GAME.

HITTERS:

	AVG	SLG%	OB%	EqA
Jared Dyer	0.375	0.556	0.413	0.308
W. McFadden	0.349	0.476	0.468	0.318
Aja Barto	0.333	0.500	0.418	0.308
Rob Segedin	0.329	0.468	0.391	0.284
A. Scelfo	0.301	0.534	0.463	0.322
Seth Henry	0.296	0.507	0.359	0.290
A. Rodgers	0.273	0.527	0.403	0.294
Drew Allain	0.237	0.322	0.338	0.226
Sam Honeck	0.237	0.342	0.341	0.217
Josh Prince	0.164	0.164	0.246	0.113
Marc Robert	0.500	0.750	0.500	0.428
R. Rebowe	0.500	0.750	0.400	0.378
Steve Moritz	0.385	0.385	0.500	0.292
Scott Powell	0.300	0.433	0.382	0.276
N. Boullosa	0.154	0.154	0.214	0.090
G. Griener	0.000	0.000	0.400	0.149

Go here for complete stats.

Observations:

Scelfo is quietly having the best season on the team. Even during his early-season "slump," he still showed enough plate patience to be a valuable cog in the lineup. Now that his "traditional" stats (AVG, power numbers, etc.) are coming around, he's headed towards a monster season.
WoMac Revival, baby! We're still hearing rumors about hitches in swings and bad approaches at bat, but they're easy to dismiss with the numbers he's been putting up. Watch closely when we start to see some decent pitching, though -- if the numbers bottom out, the problems aren't fixed.
Prince. Let's be clear -- he's in the lineup because he plays good defense and he hit .371/.448/.449. in 89 ABs with Texas last year. At what point, though, does past performance have to be disqualified as a fluke? I'm not saying we should give up on him yet -- the sample size of ABs is still a bit low -- but RJ better be working on a backup plan, because Tulane's lineup doesn't have enough pop to hide a gaping black hole.
Again, I'll believe that we're a good offensive club when we hit against a team with a pulse.

Tulane Baseball Update: The Pitchers: March 25

2008-03-25T18:29:00.000-05:00

Player	ERA	BB/9	K/9	WHIP	dERA	BABIP
S. Hunt	0.56	4.22	12.66	0.781	1.974	0.179
J. Garrett.	2.31	3.51	7.01	1.126	3.667	0.262
R. Broach	3.25	4.96	4.96	1.654	4.509	0.337
A. Loup	3.56	2.69	6.28	1.196	3.972	0.300
T. Rogers	0.00	5.40	12.60	1.000	2.095	0.200
Mason Griffin	1.88	2.55	7.02	0.851	3.876	0.216
P. Claiborne	2.31	4.82	9.64	1.607	2.653	0.353
T. Martin	2.51	2.55	3.83	0.922	3.205	0.209
M. Petiton	2.84	5.90	7.38	1.475	5.804	0.313
N. Pepitone	3.00	4.50	5.00	1.278	4.968	0.275
J. Zeid	8.31	4.39	7.68	2.439	5.136	0.471
TULANE	2.65	3.87	7.43	1.225	3.690	0.290
Opponents	6.41	4.74	6.75	1.697	5.028	0.359

*dERA is defense-independent earned run average. This is a component-based stat, so think of it as what a pitcher's ERA should be.

Observations:

dERA seems to think Petition, Broach, and Griffin are pitching a bit over their heads. High walk rates are the culprit for Petition and Broach, while Griffin's BABIP (batting average on balls in play) may be unsustainably low.
Don't get your panties in a bunch over Shooter's jump up from ERA to dERA. The system is designed for a long season, and not league or park adjusted (yet). That said, it's unlikely that Shooter's BABIP stays quite that low, and he is walking quite a few people.
Loup may deserve a little more credit than he's getting. If he can bump that K rate a bit, he could look great on paper. Anyone know whether Loup is a primarily groundball pitcher? Just curious, but that could explain his relatively high BABIP and low K rate.
Our defense is quite good, judging by these statistics. According to dERA, it is saving us about 1 run a game, which is an enormous number. I'm going to recheck a few things this weekend -- the discrepancy may have something to do with variances between the college and major league game (I used MLB rate stats in the calculation).
Shooter Hunt is getting some great press across the internets, and it was nice to see my new favorite site, Saberscouting, run a feature on him.

Pitch - Present Grade/Future Grade [ed. note: baseball scouting is done on a 20-80 scale]

Fastball - 65/70

Curveball - 65/65

Changeup - 45/50
Command - 45/50

...

Power pitcher but struggles with command in spurts. Sometimes spots his pitches as well as anyone but can fall out of his groove incredibly quickly. Lots of walks, lots of strikeouts. When on, he’s got frontline potential. Plus makeup, plays to win, great competitive attitude. Must learn to pitch, not throw. Huge upside.

Go read the whole thing -- it's a nice breakdown of his mechanics, his upside, and his warts. At this point, we're talking about a top-15 pick, assuming he holds up against better competition. If he sharpens his walk rate, then watch out.

Tulane Baseball Update: The Week Ahead: March 25

2008-03-25T18:28:00.000-05:00

This Week's Schedule:

03/25/08	at Southeastern Louisiana	Hammond, La.	6:30 p.m. CT
03/28/08	at UAB* *	Birmingham, Ala.	7:00 p.m. CT
03/29/08	at UAB* *	Birmingham, Ala.	2:00 p.m. CT
03/30/08	at UAB* *	Birmingham, Ala.	1:00 p.m. CT

SELA goes with Adam Jones tonight. He's started three games this season, but really hasn't stretched out at all, pitching only 13 innings total (he also made a relief appearance). He appears to be a pretty solid pitcher, but don't look for him to go much past 3. After him, SELA has a mishmash of average middle relievers. Efferson, their other midweek starter (who we may see tonight) has been knocked around this season. Hitting-wise, SELA has a core of Hargis-Summerlin-Street, and not much else. They should be out of their depth tonight, but remember that they did knock off LSU earlier this season (throwing a weekend starter, granted).

UAB is the weekend matchup, and it should be a nice way to start the conference season for Tulane. UAB has more or less been beaten like a drum by anyone and everyone this year, and they haven't exactly played great competition. First baseman Ryan Keedy is having a monster of a year, and Bell and Stewart are average players, but the rest of the team might as well be swinging wet newspapers. On the mound, Wallace and Klostkowski are decent starters, but UAB is a giant question mark after that. 9 different pitchers have started games; 8 others have pitched in relief. This should be a perfect week -- anything less would be a disappointment.

Atonement, Continued

2008-03-24T15:10:00.003-05:00

This has been kicking around various sites, but we've watched it at least twelve times and it's still making us laugh. Summary: Patrick Roy's (he's a famous hockey goalie, apparently) son's hockey team gets in a fight, and Junior wants to participate. The other goalie isn't wild about the whole fighting thing, but Roy solves that problem by beating the ever living crap out of him. Really, it's worth three minutes of your time.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

2008-03-23T22:36:00.003-05:00

If true, at this point, we should be slightly more popular your favorite grandmother. Seriously, folks, we apologize -- we went on vacation under the impression that we'd have internet access, and that obviously wasn't the case.

We're back now, and we swear we'll make it up to you. For now, enjoy this picture from Poon of the SEC, encapsulating many of the reasons that you should have gone to school in New Orleans.

Classy.

Tulane Baseball Weekend Review: March 17

2008-03-17T11:49:00.004-05:00

Week in Review:

Mar 16, 2008	Tulane Green Wave 16, Oakland University 0	Box score
Mar 15, 2008	Tulane Green Wave 19, Oakland University 0	Box score
Mar 14, 2008	Tulane Green Wave 3, Oakland University 0	Box score
Mar 12, 2008	Tulane Green Wave 18, Northwestern State 11	Box score
Mar 11, 2008	Tulane Green Wave 4, Northwestern State 3	Box score

Five patsies, five wins. You'll note the 38-0 showing the Mighty Oakland Something-0r-others put on this weekend. In short, a weekend due to inept pitching, full of pings and thwacks, signifying nothing.

Blah blah blah everybody's stats look great:

	AVG	OB%	SLG%	EqA(Nat.)	EqA(CUSA)
W. McFadden	0.346	0.460	0.462	0.315	0.312
Jared Dyer	0.339	0.381	0.554	0.298	0.296
Rob Segedin	0.333	0.395	0.464	0.279	0.277
A. Rodgers	0.333	0.444	0.644	0.335	0.332
Aja Barto	0.323	0.400	0.508	0.303	0.301
A. Scelfo	0.267	0.429	0.517	0.308	0.306
Seth Henry	0.259	0.295	0.448	0.248	0.247
Sam Honeck	0.239	0.329	0.358	0.219	0.220
Drew Allain	0.226	0.339	0.302	0.218	0.218
Josh Prince	0.184	0.273	0.184	0.129	0.134
Steve Moritz	0.455	0.556	0.455	0.332	0.330
Scott Powell	0.429	0.467	0.643	0.346	0.343

Go here for complete stats.

Five items of note:

I think it's safe to pencil Rodgers into that cleanup spot for the remainder of the season.
Seth Henry, extra base hit machine? We'll see if this continues. Scelfo, on the other hand, continues to produce despite ugly "traditional" stats.
The pitching is deep and dominant. It'll be interesting to see if Loup does well against better competition this week.
Broach's peripherals still look terrible. Watch him closely.
I'll believe all of these Candyland fantasies when we perform against a team with a pulse.

Shooter Hunt, 2008 All-American and top-15 draft pick. Sound about right? Anyway, we have another "baseball team" coming to slaughter this weekend in Sacred Heart ... and of course there's that meaningless midweek game.

Go to Hell, LSU!

Yes, Stupider Than Berman

2008-03-16T14:07:00.003-05:00

Just a quick note to say that the opera singer on ESPN's NCAA coverage is the dumbest damn thing I've ever seen on the network. And this from a channel that gave us Battlebots.

CWATCF March Madness Gambling Advice

2008-03-16T11:52:00.008-05:00

Each March, we encounter a huge problem -- we don't watch ~~much~~ any basketball, but we do gamble. Obviously, there's nothing more satisfying than winning an office pool without any research or knowledge, and watching the basketball junkies seethe quietly while you win without class or dignity. But how to do this? Like any smart gambler knows, games of infinite complexity can always be solved: you just need a system!

So we spent 7 or 8 minutes poring over the last two champions, trying to find their central, driving characteristic:

They were both named "Florida," but that seemed unlikely to repeat (we are told they will not make the tournament this year).
Both featured a number of tall, black men (DQs Duke) ... but this didn't narrow the field enough.
The teams both featured the biggest douchebag in college basketball. Aaaaand we have a winner!

So all we have to do to pick this year's champ is to identify NCCAA basketball's biggest toolbox? Pffft ... that's a toughie:

Tyler Hansbrough, Douchebag Extraordinare

(apologies to our UNC-supporting brothers over at Nation of Islam Sports Blog)

Yes, yes, that's him -- the guy missing the chromosomes. We are just surprised he doesn't play for Duke.

Anyway, you heard it here first -- pencil UNC in on the champion line and work backwards. You can thank us later. And if you need to balance out your discomfort with pulling for this mongoloid, you can watch this.

SEC Name of the Week: March 14 Edition

2008-03-14T17:01:00.007-05:00

SEC Name of the Week:

Phelon Jones, WR, Florida Gators

There's only one thing I can think of that would cause Berman to splooge in his pants faster than Phelon being drafted by the Minnesota Vikings:

Let's all pray that Phelon sucks at football.

Holy Sh-t

2008-03-13T13:06:00.009-05:00

From With Leather:

Well then. Now we know how Northwestern State's pitchers felt last night.

Taking a Dump on New Orleans, Day by Day

2008-03-13T09:19:00.004-05:00

RUTH'S CHRIS CORP DUMPS KATRINA DAMANGED NORTH BROAD HEADQUARTERS TO CITY OF NO
Every city that recently had a large corporation leave town and close its flagship location while also dealing with a catastrophic flood and even worse mayor would just LOVE to have a decrepit and uninhabitable building dumped on them. Right? RIGHT?

So says Craig Miller, Ruth’s Chris CEO, president and board chairman. “The original building obviously has sentimental value for the New Orleans community. We plan to return it to the community through a philanthropic gift consistent with our company's historical commitment to giving back to our communities.”

Hmmm...get a building in a bad part of town off the books. No more liability, no more property taxes, and no more presence in New Orleans. Sounds like a winner!

Coppin State Baseball Victory; The Gods Rejoice

2008-03-11T21:40:00.005-05:00

Victory!

Coppin State's baseball team snapped a 55-game losing streak tonight with a doubleheader sweep of North Carolina Central. This was the longest losing streak in Division I baseball history.

Three outs from the Eagles’ first win of the season, [CSU starting pitcher] Cothiere allowed a lead-off single to Oliver Jenkins to start the seventh. After he hit Justin Goodson with a pitch, head coach Harvey Lee replaced Cothiere with freshman Moses Muldrow. Working in a save situation with the tying run on deck, Muldrow got Kurt Wilson to ground out and Wesley Brown to pop up. With two outs and runners on second and third, Kyle Davis reached safely on a ground ball to third base, but the home plate umpire ruled that Goodson had interfered with the fielding of the play, ruling him out and giving Coppin State their first win of the 2008 campaign.

How about that! In the second game Coppin State showed off their fearsome resolve by rallying from a six run deficit, finally taking the lead on a walk-off wild pitch.

“I finally got the monkey off my back,” said [hitherto victory-less] head coach Harvey Lee after the game. “The kids deserve this. There have been a few games where calls didn’t go our way, but I wanted them to see they really are a good team.”

Well, not exactly a "good" team, Harvey, but enjoy the victory nonetheless. Obviously, this blog is a slump-busting good luck charm, and the really amazing thing is the turnaround time. From the minute we first featured Coppin State to their first victory was less than 24 hours. We're basically insta-karma, and expect a thank you card from the Eagles ASAP.

The Funniest Thing I've Read All Day

2008-03-11T16:08:00.002-05:00

From Ragged Thots via Sullivan:

3 AM Call...
The phone rings. Hillary Rodham Clinton picks it up.

"Yes?"

"Hillary, it's Silda Wall Spitzer. Sorry to call so late. Eliot's still not home. Based on your experience, what should I do?"

Coppin State Baseball: CWATCF Official Team Update

2008-03-11T16:00:00.000-05:00

Coppin State plays a doubleheader against North Carolina Central University today. This may be the Eagles' best chance for a victory this season, as NCCU is, well, horrible. So far this season, NCCU has a 1-7 record, receiving within-an-inch-of-your-life poundings from baseball powers like Norfolk State, Savannah State, Chicago State, and something called Alderson-Broaddus. We will, of course, keep tabs on the results for you.

GO EAGLES!

Tulane Recap: Week 3

2008-03-11T15:29:00.002-05:00

Weekly Recap:

Overall Record: 8-5

Mar 09, 2008	UC Irvine Anteaters 5, Tulane Green Wave 1	Box score
Mar 08, 2008	UC Irvine Anteaters 7, Tulane Green Wave 3	Box score
Mar 07, 2008	Tulane Green Wave 2, UC Irvine Anteaters 0	Box score
Mar 05, 2008	Tulane Green Wave 14, Southern Jaguars 6	Box score
Mar 04, 2008	New Orleans 4, Tulane Green Wave 2	Box score

Midweek games don't usually come as tough as UNO -- the team is solid (if not spectacular) top to bottom, and features a first team preseason All-American second baseman in Johnny Giavotella. The basic recap: Tulane starter Jonathan Garrett struggled with his control for much of the game; UNO starter Bryan Cryer was dominant. Still, the game ended in dramatic fashion, as Tulane junior Andrew Rodgers damn near parked a 2-out grand slam in the 9th.

Things eased up a bit with the Southern game, which gave us all a glimmer of hope as the bats got going. Unfortunately, UCI and their top-ranked pitching staff were coming to town (yeah, it's early, but these guys are top-5 legit in the pitching department).

Friday night: Shooter 1, UCI 0. You have to think that Hunt, a dominant 6'3" sophomore righty, is a legitimate All-American candidate ... and draft-eligible at that. Saturday and Sunday were similar thematically for Tulane: no hit, shaky outings by the starters, and solid relief performances from Nick Pepitone and Preston Claiborne, respectively.

Hitting stats through 3/10:

	AVG	SLG%	OB%	EqA(Nat.)
Jared Dyer.......	0.333	0.511	0.392	0.287
Aja Barto........	0.333	0.556	0.415	0.315
Warren McFadden..	0.270	0.378	0.372	0.264
Rob Segedin......	0.265	0.327	0.321	0.197
Sam Honeck.......	0.239	0.348	0.352	0.229
Drew Allain......	0.234	0.319	0.321	0.212
Seth Henry.......	0.233	0.302	0.283	0.178
Anthony Scelfo...	0.171	0.390	0.382	0.264
Steve Moritz.....	0.750	0.750	0.667	0.447
Scott Powell.....	0.250	0.250	0.400	0.194
Andrew Rodgers...	0.231	0.423	0.333	0.243
Josh Prince......	0.161	0.161	0.257	0.049

I get the feeling we're going to see more of Rodgers, who at least has shown some pop in limited at bats. Again, Prince and Henry have been awful ... and really, it's unfair to limit that statement to them. ALL of the hitters, with the limited (and brilliant) exceptions of Barto and Dyer. But for those two, Tulane would be what -- 3-10? The team has to get some production out of Segedin and Honeck -- too many punchless at bats at power positions are going to those guys. Granted, we've seen some decent pitching, but man ... bats need to warm up. You've got to hand it to Coach Jones -- he's juggled the lineups and attempted to play the hot hand, but that's tough when nobody's performing. The big question is, whither Warren McFadden? After a stunning freshman year, WoMac has regressed to being an average (if useful) player ... fine, but far from the first team All-American we had expected. Some observers have mentioned that he's developed hitch in his swing ... let's hope he can get that ironed out and put up some numbers.

What We've Learned:

The weekend rotation may not yet be set. Broach and Loup have both been shakier than their ERAs indicate (high WHIPs, low K rates), and RJ had a pretty hook attached to Loup this weekend. I'm guessing we'll see a new face on the hill this Sunday.
Tulane has lots of pitching depth, but not lots of pitching dominance (i.e. power pitchers capable of putting up a Shooter-like performance). In my view, this is a good thing -- it gives the team a decided advantage in midweek games, and will pay dividends when we hit tournament time.
We can't hit. At all. There's really no silver lining in the stats -- the K rate is too high, the BB rate too low, and there's no pop from the power positions. It's not time to panic yet, of course, as the season is young and the sample size is small. Perhaps it's the weather, maybe we've run into some tough pitching (likely something of a factor) or some bad umpires, or maybe the hitters are just a bit behind the pitching.

The Week Ahead:

03/11/08	vs. NORTHWESTERN STATE	New Orleans, La.	6:00 p.m. CT
03/12/08	vs. NORTHWESTERN STATE	New Orleans, La.	3:00 p.m. CT
03/14/08	vs. OAKLAND (Mich.)	New Orleans, La.	6:00 p.m. CT
03/15/08	vs. OAKLAND (Mich.)	New Orleans, La.	2:00 p.m. CT
03/16/08	vs. OAKLAND (Mich.)	New Orleans, La.	1:00 p.m. CT

To put it as nicely as possible, these teams are patsies. Both have put up average numbers against poor competition, but have been steamrolled by anyone with a pulse.

We should note, though, that Northwestern is exceptionally patient at the plate, which could be a bad mix with our pitchers. Not throwing a ball within ten feet of Mike Jaworski might be a good idea, too -- he comes into the game sporting a .739 slugging percentage. These two midweek games should be easy wins, but a loss in either would signal that Tulane's early-season flaws are a bit more serious than we'd hoped.

Oakland, on the other hand, should be easy pickings. The team sports an ERA over 8, but their bats have kept them semi-competitive. Hopefully, this series will be a good opportunity for Tulane's hitters to build some confidence at the plate.

Political Trading Cards: We Can't Wait To See The Stats On Spitzer's

2008-03-10T17:27:00.007-05:00

Today's Fark Photoshop contest subject was "Political Playing Cards," and featured this gem:

The contest is still running, so hurry up and get your submissions in. Our guess is that before long, you'll see a "Barack Obama, King of Spades" card submitted by user markpenn2008 or wolfsonisdabomb.

UPDATE: It occurs to us that Eliot Spitzer's natural position would be Punter.

Worst. Athletic. Team. Ever.

2008-03-09T23:42:00.010-05:00

While playing around tonight with last year's college baseball statistics, I noticed something that had to be a misprint: 2007 Coppin State had team EqA of .106. To put that in perspective, Christian Guzman's offensive (pun intended) 2005 season clocked in at a disturbingly anemic .205.

Again, as a refresher, EqA basically translates in batting average terms -- a .400 season in MLB ranks as one of the top 15 seasons of all time. A .200 season means you'd better be a pitcher. Coppin State's team was on my spreadsheet at .106!?!?!! Roughly speaking, a .106 EqA is what Christian Guzman would hit if he lost an arm, blew out both knees ... and went blind.

So I assumed I'd made an error, looked it up, and holy crap, this team was 0-44 last season. 0 and f'ing 44.

By the numbers:

"Hitting"

.161 team batting average.
7 regulars hitting under .150
.202 team slugging percentage.
18 shutouts against.
3 no-hitters against.
4 times scoring 4 runs in a game.
0.78 opponents' WHIP.
7 times Archie Scott was picked off or caught stealing. Archie reached base 17 times on the season.

"Pitching" & "Fielding"

.445 opponents' batting average.
.538 opponents' on base percentage.
.679 opponents' slugging percentage.
16.67 team ERA.
38 times allowing more than ten runs.
6 times allowing more than twenty runs.
3.30 WHIP.
1 player with a sub-10.00 ERA (he only pitched 3.2 innings).
.908 fielding percentage (this is not good).
126/136 opponents stolen bases/attempts.

The scary part of the team batting stats is that Coppin had a player, Harry Williams, who was legitimately good. Harry put up a more-than-respectable .339/.380/.441 line. Unfortunately, he was nicely counterbalanced by Marcus Robin, who started every game and hit .057.

So I was going to write a nasty little piece making fun of this team ... but then I felt something [my girlfriend tells me that what I experienced was "sympathy"]. How awful must it have been to lose -- and to lose like that -- 44 straight times? To have your coach suddenly quit before the season started, taking a number of players with him? To end up with 11 players on the roster, some of whom "hadn't played baseball before"? And to show up every day to take your beating? Sounds like the type of crap Dante would have come up with.

The 2008 Coppin State team is 0-10 on the young season, but is actually scoring runs and playing (semi)competitive games -- last weekend's game at Hofstra ended in a "wild" 9-7 loss. Still, you add those ten losses (and the final-game loss in 2006) to last year's total, and Coppin State is on a 55-game losing streak.

We hereby dub Coppin the official team of CWATCF, and we'll follow them for the remainder of the season as they soldier on in search of that elusive victory. Go Eagles!

Even Nature's Innocents Hate Notre Dame

2008-03-06T10:02:00.003-06:00

Sure, this little rugrat will grow up to have frosted tips and Prada sunglasses, but for the meantime he's as god intended him. Thanks to Ethan at SECFootballBlogger for making our week.

Tulane Baseball: Early Season Recap

2008-03-05T14:53:00.007-06:00

Every week for the remainder of the season we'll do a rundown of the past week's games (including midweek) and player performance. We encourage comments and contributions -- email us at CWATCF@gmail.com if you're the appropriate combination of stats nerd and Tulane fan.

Following last weekend's games, Tulane is 6-2 (yes, we're aware they played last night -- it'll be covered next week).

Mar 02, 2008	Minneapolis, Minn.	Tulane Green Wave 5, TCU Horned Frogs 3	Box score
Mar 01, 2008	Minneapolis, Minn.	Minnesota Gophers 7, Tulane Green Wave 5	Box score
Feb 29, 2008	Minneapolis, Minn.	Pepperdine Waves 4, Tulane Green Wave 2	Box score
Feb 27, 2008	New Orleans, La.	Tulane Green Wave 10, Louisiana-Lafayette 1	Box score
Feb 26, 2008	New Orleans, La.	Tulane Green Wave 4, Southeastern La. 3	Box score
Feb 24, 2008	New Orleans, La.	Tulane Green Wave 9, Illinois Chicago 2	Box score
Feb 23, 2008	New Orleans, La.	Tulane Green Wave 4, Illinois Chicago 3	Box score
Feb 22, 2008	New Orleans, La.	Tulane Green Wave 6, Illinois Chicago 0	Box score

UIC, unsurprisingly, was a bit of a mismatch for the Green Wave, and doesn't tell us much. The victories over ULL and SELA, however, were solid and cause for a good bit of hope -- repeat after us: Louisiana baseball is the best in the nation. On the other hand, the 1-2 weekend in Minnesota wasn't exactly a disaster -- the competition was solid, if not great -- but it exposed a few potential weaknesses. Like last year, the Wave are striking out a bit too much, not walking quite enough, and not showing a ton of patience at the plate. As the YOGWF boys have pointed out, some of that can be attributed to some strange strike zones in the early games (perhaps the umps have a bit of warming up to do, too?) ... but if it doesn't get fixed, Tulane's going to have trouble putting up runs against better pitchers.

Speaking of pitchers, the majority of Tulane's have been excellent, sporting a WHIP of around 1.21. The starters in particular have been exceptional, going deep into games and proving to be difficult to hit. That said, there are some signs of trouble on the horizon. Some of the BABIPs are unsustainably low, the BB/9 of 3.84 is teetering on the edge of ugliness, and holy crap we've hit 16 people in 9 games!?!!?! We may need to invest in Kevlar vests for visiting teams.

Still, if we get pitching like this for the rest of the season, we'll be playing well into the summer.

Player	SLG%	OB%	EqA(Natl.)	EqA(CUSA)
Jared Dyer	0.654	0.433	0.323	0.330
Aja Barto	0.714	0.441	0.355	0.362
Sam Honeck	0.367	0.382	0.239	0.246
Rob Segedin	0.375	0.303	0.208	0.214
Drew Allain	0.406	0.343	0.244	0.251
Seth Henry	0.280	0.333	0.161	0.168
W. McFadden..	0.348	0.357	0.255	0.261
Anthony Scelfo	0.414	0.378	0.265	0.272
Josh Prince	0.143	0.217	0.095	0.085

(FYI, EqA National balances the team's stats against a large sample of national teams; CUSA only uses conference stats. Go here for a primer on EqA, or here for our breakdown. Go here for full Tulane stats.)

A few things stand out here, even given the small sample size or around 25 ABs: Dyer has had an All-American start to the season, Barto has been excellent (though his 33% K rate is frightening), Henry has had a rough first two weeks ... and wow, Prince (a big time transfer) has been horrible. What worries us is that RJ won't give him enough time to work through his early season troubles, and there's not a great second option at SS.

Note for uber-nerds:

We use last year's statistics from CUSA, Big 10, Pac 10, ACC and SEC schools for our league numbers. This is poor methodology, obviously, but we do it for several reasons: 1) College baseball stats are hard to find (especially for smaller leagues like the SWAC), rarely updated, and poorly organized. Using last year's stats means that we don't have to spend hours finding and reformatting stats from various leagues. Assuming no major changes (new bats, etc.), statistics should be similar from year to year. 2) Since the season is relatively short, sample size is relatively small. Using the larger pool of numbers from last year gives us a more accurate reading. 3) College baseball ballparks aren't uniform and often don't play "fair." Bigger leagues play more games in relatively uniform, "fair" parks and therefore are more susceptible to statistical analysis.

We should also note that none of the numbers are park adjusted. The rationale here is the same as above, coupled with the fact that Tulane's new stadium, unlike Zephyr, plays relatively fair -- Rick Jones said it, so it must be true. When we post next week about last year's team, we will park-adjust for Zephyr.

In other words, spare us the bitching or do a better job yourself.

Naked Indiana Cheerleader Ahoy

2008-03-04T14:48:00.004-06:00

As the friend of ours who sent this classy portfolio (extremely NSFW) along said, "I thank god every day that I live in the age of digital cameras." With Leather points out that there may be a spot on the squad opening up soon.

Quick Note On Politics

2008-03-04T12:11:00.004-06:00

For those of you baffled by the Democratic delegate counts, here's a handy calculator from Slate.com that'll clear things up a bit. Punch in the vote percentages you expect the candidates to get in the upcoming states, and the delegate total will automatically update.

Even assuming Hillary wins big in Ohio and Pennsylvania and ekes out a narrow win in Texas, it's hard to see any set of circumstances where she holds a delegate lead by the time this thing wraps up. That said, if she can change the media perception of her campaign (i.e. become the "comeback kid")and string together a few wins, she'll be in position to take this all the way to the convention. If that happens, she'll have an argument -- not necessarily a good one, mind you, but an argument -- that she should be the nominee. That translates as all-out political warfare, so grab your popcorn or cover your eyes.

My take? He wins Texas handily, and loses Ohio by 6-8. With a big Vermont win for him (and a narrower RI one for her), he takes a net delegate lead on the day. She'll attempt to spin this as a win, and it won't work.

College Baseball, In Nerd Terms

2008-03-04T11:44:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite tools when evaluating players is Equivalent Average (EqA). First of all, it enables us to compare apples (traditional sluggers) and oranges (high batting average/base stealers), along with the occasional kumquat (high OBP guys). Secondly, it makes the comparisons in the language of batting average, perhaps the statistic most ingrained in the American consciousness. This makes EqA easy to appreciate (more so, at least, than something like WARP-3). Finally, it provides easy opportunities for the person calculating the stat (in this case, me) to adjust for things like park effects. As anyone who has ever seen the cavernous Zephyr Field knows, this can be important.

Basically, EqA takes the traditional statistics we know and love -- batting average, slugging percentage, and on-base percentage -- and rolls them together, tacking on things like sacrifices and stolen bases. To measure EqA, we take the player's offensive production, and using the number of outs made by the player as a rate statistic, we get an accurate measure of the player's run production in game (were he to bat in all nine slots). EqA takes that measure, balances it against league performances, and divides by a constant. Sounds complicated, but the whole idea is to make Joe Average's production equal to .260.

Think of it on the same terms as batting average -- a guy who hits .230 is a terrible baseball player; a guy who hits .300 is a really good one. Albert Pujols, for example, clocks in around .335 for his career. Neifi Perez? Not so much.

We'll probably play with a few other statistics as we go along, but this should lay the groundwork for EqA. Later today (or perhaps tomorrow), we'll do a rundown of Tulane's current team.

You Can Thank Us Later, Coach Fulmer

2008-03-04T10:54:00.004-06:00

Straight from YesButNoButYes.com's keyboard to Phil Fulmer's heart, we present to you [drumroll] Bacon-Flavored Vodka:

Makes up one pint.

Fry up three strips of bacon
Add cooked bacon to a clean pint sized mason jar. Trim the ends of the bacon if they are too tall to fit in the jar. Or you could go hog wild and just pile in a bunch of fried up bacon scraps.
Optional: add crushed black peppercorns.
Fill the jar up with vodka. Cap and place in a dark cupboard for at least three weeks.(No need to refrigerate)
At the end of the three week resting period, place the bacon vodka in the freezer to solidify the fats. Strain out the fats through a coffee filter to yield a clear filtered pale yellow bacon vodka.
Decant into decorative bottles and enjoy.

We're hearing new offensive coordinator Dave Rawson's duties include play calling, holding Phil's hair back, and fetching daddy's apple juice. Doesn't sound like much, but remember that he's got to fit all that in between Krispy Kreme runs.

Restaurant Review (Chicago): Aigre Doux

2008-03-03T12:36:00.000-06:00

Our visit to Aigre Doux violated a number of the rules of intelligent restaurant eating -- we went during Chicago's Restaurant Week, late at night on a Wednesday, and to a place that bills its cuisine as "New American."

In this case, it shouldn't have mattered. Aigre Doux was named to Citysearch's Top 10 New Restaurants list, and its chefs are alums of Jean-Georges and Chateau Marmont. Throw in the fact that entrees clock in around $34, and we had good reason to expect a top-quality restaurant experience. Our visit, in a word? Meh.

Again, we have to mention that our party ordered off of the special prix fixe menu. Since they had run out of several items, however, our appetizers ended up coming off of the regular menu.

Apple and arugula salad with serrano ham and manchego cheese.
By consensus, this was the highlight of the meal, but should it have been? An apple-heavy salad is an odd choice for late winter, and the ingredients were B-grade at best. A classic pairing, expertly seasoned and perfectly boring.

Butternut squash soup.
At high-end restaurants, you usually get one of two things: 1) incredible ingredients that blow your doors off, or 2) innovative, interesting food with a twist. Here, we got butternut squash soup. Quite nice, and again expertly seasoned, but the ingredients were average and the dish seemed unfinished. No schnazzy crouton, no drizzle of exquisite olive oil to round things out. Butternut. Squash. Soup.

Baked salmon in a garlic sauce, served with polenta and an artichoke heart.
After dinner, several members of our party commented that it seemed like the food had been prepped and sitting in the back for hours, just waiting to be warmed through. This dish was the principal culprit, and really nailed the theme of the evening: fine, but not at this type of restaurant. Think about it -- baked salmon, $35. Oy.

Sweet and sour short ribs with squash puree and kale.
An unmitigated disaster. The meat was nicely cooked and very tender, but neither sweet nor sour (neither was the tasteless, thin, orange-colored sauce drizzled over it). The kale was fine, but totally out of place on the plate. It is unclear whether the puree was intended to be cold or hot; it was neither. Short ribs are basically a blank slate, with any number of options available for an inspired chef. Why the hell would you do this with them?

Sticky toffee pudding with Devonshire cream.
Chef Ameen's dessert was undoubtedly the "star" of the meal -- texturally interesting, packed with flavor, and topped with delicious cream. A little too sweet? Perhaps, but still a big win.

Other
The single best thing to hit the table was the bread. Ameen is supposed to be a whiz with pastries (and, we presume, also handles the baking), and this was a moist, cheese-crusted killer. Likewise, the after-dinner coffee was exceptional.

As for the other stuff ... well, we're generally food snobs, not restaurant snobs. We don't need (or really want) our napkins folded when we hit the bathroom, and we rarely notice service (unless highly informative) or decor (unless dazzling). When the food's not great, however, we tend to be a bit more critical on those fronts. Smudged windows and somewhat condescending, uneven service are generally things we overlook. In this case, they were mildly annoying.

Summary:
Frankly, we just don't understand what we paid for. If innovation isn't Aigre Doux's thing, ingredients and preparation need to be ... and they aren't. Our experience featured the rare flash of quality -- amazing bread, delicious cream -- and a whole lot of blah. At a restaurant featuring $20 entrees, that sort of thing might be tolerable. When the tab for two approaches $200, not so much.

Ratings follow the Zagats model. Food Price is for an average-priced entree, appetizer, and dessert. Wine Price is, in the grand tradition of Homer Simpson, for the "freshest" bottle on the menu.

Food: 20
Service: 21
Decor: 20
Food Price: $57
Wine Price: $42

Aigre Doux
Chefs Mohammed Islam & Malika Ameen
230 W Kinzie St
Chicago, IL 60610
Phone: (312) 329-9400

Women Are Stupid, But Great At Baking

2008-03-02T11:24:00.006-06:00

If the Washington Post said it, it must be true. This marvelously offensive article confirms everything men have been trying to convince women of for centuries. Our favorite portion of the article is probably the line where the author professes a sincere belief in phrenology, but this paragraph is a close second:

I am perfectly willing to admit that I myself am a classic case of female mental deficiencies. I can't add 2 and 2 (well, I can, but then what?). I don't even know how many pairs of shoes I own. I have coasted through life and academia on the basis of an excellent memory and superior verbal skills, two areas where, researchers agree, women consistently outpace men. (An evolutionary just-so story explains this facility of ours: Back in hunter-gatherer days, men were the hunters and needed to calculate spear trajectories, while women were the gatherers and needed to remember where the berries were.) I don't mind recognizing and accepting that the women in history I admire most -- Sappho, Hildegard of Bingen, Elizabeth I, George Eliot, Margaret Thatcher -- were brilliant outliers.

So there you have it, ladies. Women should take off the pants, stay at home, and perfect what I like to refer to as the Holy Trinity of Female Life Skills -- blow job technique, foot rub methodology, and the proper preparation of a gin & tonic.

Site Changes

2008-02-29T11:57:00.004-06:00

Some of you may have noticed the new box (top right) entitled "Irons' List Of Links." Via the magic of Google Reader, we'll be able to instantly share all of the crap that's currently amusing us. We find this to be a much more convenient alternative to the ubiquitous "links post," though major developments will obviously still merit their own post.

Naturally, this won't keep us from posting pictures of liberated, successful women.

thanks to Poon of the SEC

And hell, we'll probably still throw up a few links from time to time ... like this beaut (via Deadspin) featuring the mighty Manatee Community College playing the Pittsburgh Pirates in a spring training tuneup. Surprising no one, the Manatees held the Buccos scoreless over the last 8 innings of the game. Did we mention that there was a 20 MPH wind blowing out to right? If you're one of the few remaining Pirates fans, now might be a good time to consider ritual suicide.

Oh, and there's this little gem, which can also be filed under "utterly unsurprising." Turns out, rugrats don't make you happy, and childless people have lives that are at least as fulfilling as Darren McFadden's. And, as the article notes, "they sure do have more money to squander as they try to pursue what happiness they can and strive to somehow fill up their allegedly empty lives."

Georgia v. Tennessee: The Coming Land War

2008-02-26T16:38:00.005-06:00

Time to oil up your firearms, folks -- as you may have heard, Georgia is in the midst of an unprecedented drought. In the event the Jesus doesn't make it rain soon, Atlanta residents may have to plant cacti on their sprawling front lawns.

Anyway, the Georgia legislature has come up with a novel solution -- redraw the state's borders to include some of Tennessee's water supply.

Needless to say, the orange-wearing hillbilly trash have met this with protests ... and taunts, like this one from Chattanooga's mayor:

WHEREAS, it has come to pass that the heavens are shut up and a drought of Biblical proportions has been visited upon the Southern United States, and

WHEREAS, the parched and dry conditions have weighed heavily upon the State of Georgia and sorely afflicted those who inhabit the Great City of Atlanta, and

WHEREAS, the leaders of Georgia have assembled like the Children of Israel in the desert, grumbled among themselves and have begun to cast longing eyes toward the north, coveting their neighbor’s assets, and

WHEREAS, the lack of water has led some misguided souls to seek more potent refreshment or for other reasons has resulted in irrational and outrageous actions seeking to move a long established and peaceful boundary, and

WHEREAS, it is deemed better to light a candle than curse the darkness, and better to offer a cool, wet kiss of friendship rather than face a hot and angry legislator gone mad from thirst, and

Whereas, it is feared that if today they come for our river, tomorrow they might come for our Jack Daniels or George Dickel,

NOW THEREFORE, In the interest of brotherly love, peace, friendship, mutual prosperity, citywide self promotion, political grandstanding and all that,

I Ron Littlefield, Mayor of the City of Chattanooga, Tennessee,

Do hereby Proclaim that Wednesday, February 27, 2008 shall be known as “Give Our Georgia Friends a Drink Day”

Asshole. As a Georgia native, I'm excited about the prospect of an invasion. If drafted, I will serve, and god willing I'll be the man who gets to shell Neyland Stadium. But if things go south, I'm going to need to search damn hard for the motivation to defend Atlanta.

SEC Name Of The Week: Feb. 26 Edition

2008-02-26T13:04:00.004-06:00

SEC Name of the Week:

Lazarius Levingston, DE, LSU Tigers

Pregnant Mother: You know who I like in the Bible?

Father: Who?

Pregnant Mother: Lazarus.

Father: Oh yeah?

Pregnant Mother: Dude was a bad mofo. Hung with JC.

Father: Rose from the dead.

Pregnant Mother: Lazarus. Lazarus. How's that for our boy?

Father: I like the name. Lazarus. But it's a bit boring.

Pregnant Mother: Yeah.

Father: Shit needs zing.

Apologies In Advance

2008-02-25T15:11:00.002-06:00

So it’s the offseason, and we ain’t got shit to do, right?

Look, we apologize for the lack of college football content on the site recently. Recruiting just isn’t our thing, and we have trouble getting all excited for winter practices or even the spring games. The niche that we enjoy the most (arrests and other bad behavior by athletes) has been filled. As most of you have doubtless figured out, a significant portion of our pleasure from watching college football is derived from watching institutions that we can’t stand lose in particularly humiliating fashion. It’s hard to get that sort of feeling from an intrasquad game (“Red totally crushed those Black losers hahahahahha”), so unless Jimmy Clausen blows an ACL or Tennessee gets the death penalty ... well, call us in August.

So how do we fill our time from February to July? ~~Working in soup kitchens, building homes for the poor, spending time with our loved ones~~ college baseball.

Yes, as Brady has already pointed out, this is one college sport that our undergraduate institution can compete in. For those of you who don’t know, Tulane’s baseball program is one of the best in the nation, regularly appearing in Omaha for the College World Series (please, please don’t ask how we’ve done once we’ve gotten there). Coached by the highly regarded Rick Jones, the team has produced talents by the name of Sutter, Aubrey, Gautreau, and Owings. Sure, you may only recognize that last name, but our stud draftees have had some bad luck with injuries of late. You’ll see more Tulane grads in the majors in the very near future, rest assured.

At Tulane, students spend a significant portion of spring at the park, knocking back cold ones and yelling the Hullabaloo (below) after each minor on-field success. It’s a pretty good way to spend a lazy spring day.

A One, A Two,
A Helluva
Hullabaloo
A Hullabaloo
Ray Ray
A Hullabaloo
Ray Ray
Hooray
Hooray
Vars Vars Tee Ay
Tee Ay, Tee Ay
Vars Vars Tee Ay
Tulane!

Yeah, it’s a silly cheer, but it becomes much more coherent after downing a flask of Jack. Our point is that baseball is one of the things we love about the school and New Orleans, and we aren’t alone. Tulane draws some of the largest crowds in the nation, and has a bitter instate rivalry with the Louisiana State Cheating Tiger team and its incompetent coaching staff. This year is especially exciting, featuring a new stadium and a number of high profile transfers.

And yes, this is all justification for the amount of time we’re about to spend talking about it.

Deal with it, people.

Obligatory Baseball Post

2008-02-25T10:55:00.001-06:00

Baseball. The one sport in which an expensive private school full of white people can excel! No. 22 Tulane swept the Illinois-Chicago Flames! YESSS! And LSU lost! And the Green Wave opened a new stadium!

Hairy Dawg

2008-02-22T10:54:00.004-06:00

We've said it before, and we'll say it again: T. Kyle King has the best facial hair of all time:

Let's see Swindle pull that off.

Birthday Wishes And Some Other Crap

2008-02-21T12:19:00.005-06:00

We'd like to extend some very happy birthday wishes to CWATCF co-proprietor Anderson.

We sincerely hope that Anderson gets to enjoy the company of someone as smokin' hot as the lovely Mia. Remember to tip well, Anderson, and please teach her how to use a belt properly.

1. We are obsessed with this site. We've been sending greeting cards nonstop for three days.

2. Did McCain put his wrinkled, limp old man penis in this lobbyist? Probably, but only because his wife was stoned out of her gourd on painkillers ... that takes all the sport out of sex.

3. Yahoo Sports (via the Wiz) confirms what we have all long known: Tressel and Weis are giant cheaty-pants.

4. Alabama superstud recruit Julio Jones is the star witness in a murder trial ... that can't be good, right?

SEC Name Of The Week: February 19 Edition

2008-02-19T12:51:00.007-06:00

SEC Name of the Week:

Prechae Rodriguez, WR, Auburn Tigers

What. The. Hell.

Most strange names that we run across in our efforts at NOTW are variations of mainstream names. Examples from the Auburn football roster:

Zach = Zac
Aaron = Aairon
Trey = Tray
Cody = Kodi

Prechae, on the other hand, bears no relation to any known combination of letters found in the English language. How could something like this find its way onto a birth certificate?

1) Parents are learned classical scholars, and "Prechae" has some sort of Latin root.
2) His parents actually followed the monkeys-at-a-typewriter approach to naming children.
3) Most likely? Yes, his parents are retards, but at least they're creative retards.

Door, Meet Ass

2008-02-18T21:31:00.003-06:00

Happy trails, Ryan -- hope to see you starting for Tulane in '09!

Again, we really want to know what happened ... please flood our inbox with speculation.

UPDATE: Now from reputable news sources!

Ryan Perrilloux, Gentleman Scholar: Part II

2008-02-17T19:19:00.006-06:00

Our blog does two things quite well: 1) Bash Notre Dame and 2) Report unsubstantiated rumors as fact. This is a non-Notre Dame post.

You may remember our good friend and LSU quarterback Ryan Perriloux. Since joining the team, Ryan has been noted for ~~his extensive community service, focus on academics, and high character~~ federal money laundering and brandishing weaponry in public. This week, rumors are running wild that Perrilloux may have finally worn out his welcome in Baton Rouge:

Due to an ongoing dispute between Perrilloux's mother and LSU -- potentially stemming from Ryan's mother trying to shake down the school -- the projected starting quarterback has cleaned out his locker and left the team. Perrilloux reportedly missed a team meeting this week, but his absence is clouded by reports that Perrilloux was attending his father's funeral.

We hear that Ryan has a list of rules that he must follow in order to keep himself in good standing with Les Miles and the program (these presumably don't include anything about assault or counterfeiting). Supposedly he broke several of them this week, but what we don't know is which ones. Feel free to speculate in the comments.

Self-Loathing, Brady Quinn Style

2008-02-14T14:36:00.007-06:00

Due to the focus of our blog, we suppose we have to mention this:

Quinn was part of a group of men shouting insults at gay passers-by outside a Columbus bar early on New Year's Day, according to a 9-1-1 call made to police. The call at 2:35 a.m. came from Seth Harris, who reported that he encountered the group in front of La Fogata Grill... The Mexican restaurant is next door to ... one of Columbus' most popular gay bars in the gay-friendly Short North neighborhood.
On the 9-1-1 call, Harris said that "Brady Quinn from the Browns" was "trying to cause a fight." Harris told the operator, "I just walked outside and he exchanged many profanities with me and called me a faggot, of course."

Sigh. Fresh on the heels of this commercial, one would think he would be a bit more reserved:

The folks over at KSK have some Valentines' Day wishes for Mr. Quinn.

Thoughts On Signing Day

2008-02-12T12:10:00.000-06:00

We have a very difficult time getting excited about National Signing Day.

It's not that we think that recruiting, or even the associated rankings are totally worthless. We even enjoy, on occasion, the tasteless gloating that accompanies the release of said rankings.

Look, we know recruiting is the cornerstone of a program. Player aptitude is obviously the most important factor in a team's success, and it behooves a coach to devote as many resources to the selection and wooing process as possible. However, the kids are kids -- they're neither physically nor emotionally mature at 18, and there's no telling what the weight room or the classroom will do to them. We're just not that interesting in watching grainy videos and poring over 40-yard dash times for skinny kids that may or may not ever see the field.

Remember that these rankings are all based on subjective impressions (and, of course, near-meaningless stats like height/weight/40). The greater national focus on recruiting (by media and fans) means that rankings should be more and more accurate each year, but they're still, at best, rough approximations. If your team's within 15 spots of where you think they should be, they're probably okay.

Anyway, we generally spend ten minutes or less on the whole deal. Here's what we look at:

1. Does a teams recruiting ranking roughly correlate (within 10 or 15 spots) with its level of success over the previous two or three years?
This isn't complicated -- if you can't leverage success on the field into new, quality players, you're not going to continue to be successful. Rivals has a respectable showing from this year's Cinderellas -- Missouri and Kansas -- but Louisville is at #55, West Virginia at #44, and ... Tennessee at #35?! Oh, this should be delicious.

On the flip side, if you a coach can pull a good class while losing (in SEC parlance, that's called "Zooking"), it gives your program a glimmer of hope. Miami, 'Bama, and Colorado seem to have drawn good crops.

2. Do teams that are national powers and are in good locations rank in the top 15?
If you're a major state university from (or bordering) California, Florida, Texas, or Louisiana, you can fall off a log and be in the top 15. There are two reasons for this: 1) The volume of quality athletes in those states is greater and 2) When a national power recruits a kid, his star rating usually rises (this isn't totally nonsensical, given the limited information available to recruiting services, but still explains a lot). With those built-in advantages, it makes sense that Rivals has FSU at #8 and Miami at #4. Texas at #14 has to raise a few eyebrows, though.

3. Where did the big few go?
Where will Terrell Pryor sign? Julio Jones to 'Bama? Eww. Even the high-end guys aren't sure things -- remember FSU's score of the top two QBs in the nation a few years back? You may have forgotten their names -- Joe Mauer catches baseballs for the Twins now, and Adrian McPherson was playing in Canada last we heard. That said, top-flight recruits are a safer bet than the rest, and we find reading about them to be a nice way to balance our love of college football with our sanity. We are very excited about Georgia's acquisition of tall, speedy WR A.J. Green, for example.

Anyway, none of these viewpoints are new or groundbreaking, but we felt the need to explain why our coverage of recruiting has been minimal.

Now excuse us while we dig through some minor league baseball stats.

SEC Name Of The Week: Feb. 12 Edition

2008-02-12T11:57:00.000-06:00

SEC Name of the Week:

Zipp Duncan, OG, Kentucky Wildcats

There has to be a certain level of disappointment associated with naming your kid "Zipp," then finding out that Bill Curry wants him to gain 80 pounds and play guard in the SEC. Sort of like going with Louganis, then finding out that the little bastard is scared of the water and bangs chicks. And I just wanted him to butterfly!

Geez, People, We're Sorry

2008-02-11T15:32:00.000-06:00

It's been a busy week, and we apologize for our sloth. We've been drinking heavily due to the elections, and it's not conducive to regular blogging. However, we'll be back in force this week. Look for SEC NOTW to return tomorrow alongside a rundown of our views on National Signing Day. We'll throw a recipe up for you at the end of the week, and some linky-wonderfulness along the way. Unless we get distracted by this week's Rock of Love II episode, that is. Those bitches are some serious skanks. Good TV, but serious, serious skanks.

Oddly enough, our hits have increased over the past week -- either you've really missed us, or you like us better when we STFU.

Rudy Giuliani: CWATCF Primary Dropouts Guide

2008-02-04T15:39:00.000-06:00

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders.

In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

Rudy Giuliani, Notre Dame Fightin' Irish

Some people don’t get to be president or coach Notre Dame because they’re poor, female, or black. Rudy Giuliani doesn’t get to be president because:

1. He ran a campaign that made Fred Thompson’s clown circus look positively competent – $50 million dollars spent, 1 delegate received. At that rate, he would have needed $60 billion to win.

2. He’s an asshole.

Seriously, read this Vanity Fair article, which focuses on Rudy's wife. It would be in the running for most vicious political hit piece of all time ... if it weren’t all true. Eleanor & Franklin the Giulianis are not.

The results were ugly, lopsided, and deserved. As former NYC mayor Ed Koch said, “The beast is dead.” Judging by Fat Charlie's reputation among Notre Dame alums, we'll see the same reaction after the Irish can his ass.

John Edwards: CWATCF Primary Dropouts Guide

2008-02-04T15:08:00.000-06:00

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders.

John Edwards, Louisville Cardinals

Coming off of a stellar showing in ’06, it appeared that Louisville had established themselves as a big time, Big East program. With stud QB Brian Brohm and a slew of offensive talent coming back, it looked like the Louisville – WVU game would determine the Big East champ, and perhaps vault the winner into the national championship game.

Similarly, most people figured Edwards was destined for a primary death match with Hillary Clinton. With his strong, populist message, a commitment to timely issues like Katrina and health care, and a hefty bank account, all of the elements were in place for a big-time run. Even the crappy stuff – Elizabeth’s illness and the hideous Coulter comments – seemed like it would garner him sympathy votes.

Like Louisville, though, success just never materialized. Strangely, this wasn’t due to flubs on the campaign trail or injuries – Edwards was largely mistake-free (aside from the horribly-handled “Breck girl” incident and the hedge fund nonsense), and Louisville’s stars stayed healthy for the majority of the season. For whatever reason, it just didn’t happen. All that promise led to nothing more than 6-6 and a campaign over before Super Tuesday.

That said, Louisville has a strong foundation in place, and is poised to be a player in the Big East for years to come. Edwards, likewise, has the power to reshape the 2008 race with an endorsement (Obama?), and can parlay that into all sorts of goodies: funding for his pet projects, a position as the most powerful Secretary of Labor we’ve seen in decades, or even an Attorney General role (that sound you hear is Republicans collectively crapping their pants).

Tennessee Crimivols Vie For Early Fulmer Cup Lead

2008-02-04T11:05:00.000-06:00

Sunday Morning QB notes that Bacon and his gang of Merry Men have been causing some mischief:

Suspended, for the first two games in September, 26-year-old walk-on DB Vincent Faison, the fifth Tennessee player to "embarrass himself and his team" in less than a month since the end of the season with a DUI arrest over the weekend. The Vols are settling a startlingly consistent pace."

Anyway, "Bacon's Favorite JUCO," the Morgan County Correctional Facility, should be deep at the skill positions this year. On the down side, we have some concerns about their defensive front seven, which lacks both depth and experience. Until Demonte Bolden gets picked up for weed possession, that is.

For all of you lady Vol fans out there who would like to "make the boys' stay a bit more comfortable," we suggest contacting Joel over at Rocky Top Talk. He can probably make the proper arrangements.

UPDATE: Interesting sidenote -- if you Googlemap "prisons near knoxville" the second location you see is the University of Tennessee Career Services Office.

Georgia State Legislature Has Its Priorities In Line

2008-02-01T17:31:00.000-06:00

On Friday, the Georgia State House passed a resolution urging the NCAA to enact a football playoff.

"The only sensible way to determine a national champion in any sport is to develop a playoff system that allows teams to meet on the field," the resolution reads. "The fans of college football deserve a true national champion to be crowned after winning the title on the field of play and not in a popularity poll."

Gratuitous Ohio State Bashing

2008-02-01T12:39:00.000-06:00

Wherein Kyle speaks the truth:

Even though I knew the Buckeyes didn't deserve a spot in the national championship game, I still gave Ohio State too much credit. It isn't just that Jim Tressel's squad doesn't belong in a bowl game against an S.E.C. team---the 0-9 record speaks for itself---it's that the Buckeyes are very nearly as comparable to the Mountain West champion as they are to the Pac-10 champion.

Preach on, brother, preach on.

Bill Richardson: CWATCF Primary Dropouts Guide

2008-02-01T11:41:00.000-06:00

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders.

In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

Bill Richardson, Texas Longhorns

Despite a record far outstripping any of the other candidates (Secretary of Energy, Governor of Arizona, Congressman, Ambassador to the U.N., consultant at Kissinger Associates, ~~former minor league baseball player~~), it quickly became apparent that Richardson was completely out of his league.

Likewise, UT’s early victories got them a pretty ranking, but quite a few people noticed the narrow escapes at Rice and UCF. The loss to K-State, like Richardson's humiliating defeat in Iowa, caused the respective parties to crater in the polls. Still, both Richardson and the Longhorns somehow managed to keep this from becoming embarrassing -- a 10-3 record with a #10 ranking at least looks respectable, as does the Governor's 4th place showing in a stacked Democratic field.

The future? Well, Richardson's endorsement will carry some weight in the western states, and it’s not unlikely that he’ll be considered for the VP slot (biiiiiiiiiig mistake) or a hefty cabinet position. Likewise, the Longhorns have big things in front of them, and a Big 12 title isn’t out of reach in 2008.

Fred Thompson: CWATCF Primary Dropouts Guide

2008-01-31T11:35:00.000-06:00

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders.

Fred Thompson, Florida State Seminoles

What?

Where am I? What’s going on? I'm hungry!

Who are all of these people? Where are my sons? What am I running for? Golf cart! Golf caaaaaaaaaart!

Who is this blond woman? Where am I?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

SEC Name Of The Week: Jan. 28 Edition

2008-01-28T17:07:00.000-06:00

SEC Name of the Week:

Forress Rayford, CB, Alabama Crimson Tide

As a product of semi-rural Georgia, I grew up among many kids named Jackson, Jefferson, and Lee (and one who notably had the middle name of Stonewall), but --shockingly, I know -- very few named Lincoln and Sherman. I prefer to think that these names are inoffensive, and more about regional pride than race, but feel free to disagree.

Forrest, on the other hand ... well, that's about race. You just don't name your child after the founder of the Klan if you don't hate brown people. I mean, do you give the family who names their kid "Adolf" a free pass because they "just thought it was a pretty name"?

Anyway, none of this is to imply that Forress or his parents are racists. "Forrest," after all, has a "t" and only one "s." Instead, Forress is living proof that the inability to spell names on a birth is not the sole province of uneducated minorities. Nor is playing cornerback in the SEC! With his name and position, Forress is a groundbreaking leader, shattering racial stereotypes left and right. Before long, white males will be dunking basketballs, riding camels, and doing math above grade level! Forress' parents likely didn't have a dream, because they were barely sentient mongoloids. But being descended from retards hasn't stopped this privileged white male from breaking the bonds of racism and attaining his rightful place in society -- not separate, simply equal.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you Forress Rayford, the first recipient of the annual CWATCF & Martin Luther King, Jr "We Shall Overcome" Award.

Update: CWATCF Mascot Dana Jacobson: F--k Notre Dame!

2008-01-26T00:47:00.001-06:00

It's much worse than we thought! Neeeeeeiigh!

God, we love the Grey Goose, and you ... we would ride you hard, and only put the spurs to you if you were a bad girl. Rowr!

Bars On My Window, Bars On My Heart

2008-01-24T17:02:00.000-06:00

We just couldn't let this one pass. Sporting the tagline "The Nagging Stops When The Bars Slam Shut," the god-we-hope-it's-not-a-joke site Conjugal Harmony claims to link law-abiding citizens with .... well, we'll just turn it over to them:

Imagine having a wife who is always glad to see you, never cheats or stays out all night, and who rocks your ever-loving world twice a month with a pent-up vengeance you haven't felt since college. Now imagine she never takes your credit cards, doesn't spend all day talking to her mother, and never knows if you're out with friends or sleeping around. Now stop imagining and open your eyes to the world of Conjugal Harmony. For almost a decade we've connected honest, background cleared, non-prisoners with exciting, passionate, loyal mates on the inside, and with rates so low you might think you're the crook!

"Tweak" here promises to let her body be "your filthy playground." You can thank us later.

Fun With Acronyms

2008-01-23T16:01:00.000-06:00

Hopefully, you remember our piece comparing Hillary Clinton and the Ohio State Buckeyes. Well, the analogy goes deeper than we thought, and we're involved.

Political junkies may recall Roger Stone, an upstanding citizen who was famously involved in Richard Nixon's Committee to Re-Elect the President (CREEP), and fancies himself as sort of the dean of Republican dirty politics. He is not a nice person.

Well, Roger has submitted a 527 filing for a group called Citizens United Not Timid, pledging to "educate the American public about what Hillary Clinton really is." This reminds us of our mission statement -- to educate the football-watching public about what Notre Dame and the Big Ten actually are. We guess this makes us the Roger Stone of college football ... our mothers will be very proud.

Below is the group's logo (available on t-shirts!), which is remarkably amazing in about 12,000 different ways.

It's just so ... subtle.

Yes, Yes! F--k Notre Dame! And Touchdown Jesus!

2008-01-23T11:39:00.000-06:00

ESPN First Take anchorwoman Dana Jacobson was apparently channeling our soul at last week's roast of Mike & Mike (with Charlie Weis in the audience):

Jacobson, reportedly intoxicated, was speaking at a celebrity roast in Atlantic City, N.J., when she unleashed a profane tirade, saying, "F--- Notre Dame," "F--- Touchdown Jesus" and finally "F--- Jesus."

According to SBB, Jacobson:

"made an absolute fool out of herself, swilling vodka from a Belvedere bottle, mumbling along, and cursing like a sailor as Mike & Mike rested their heads in their hands in embarrassment."

Ironic nugget of the day: Dana was strongly considered as a replacement for Don Imus in the morning.

Anyway, the response has been ugly and predictable: Bill Donahue (of Catholic League and South Park fame) whining and ESPN dropping a one-week suspension on her ass. We, however, have nothing but love for Dana, who we hereby name the Official CWATCF Mascot.

Sure, she's a little butch, has horse teeth, and spends waaaaaaaaaaay too much time with Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith, but we can get past that. We love her for her mind.

UPDATE: Thanks to reader SK for pointing out that Dana is our Barbaro. Why the long face, Dana?

2008 College Football Blog Awards: Shameless Pandering

2008-01-22T19:57:00.000-06:00

It's time for the 2008 College Football Blog Awards, and the rules say we can't nominate ourselves. The word for this, of course, is bullshit, but we'll throw up a few nominations anyway. Once you're done reading about these losers, go here to nominate us. Repeatedly.

2008 College Football Awards Nominations

(for second place, obviously)

Prettiest Blog

Rocky Top's use of symmetry appeals to us, but that hideous orange sinks their battleship. EDSBS is hideous (sorry, don't hit us). We like this site's header, at least.

Best SEC Blog

Dawg Sports. Kyle bleeds Red and Black, and it's possible that could be influencing our vote. Regardless, we're always impressed when one of Kyle's novel-length posts can hold our interest to the end, and he has great facial hair.

Best Post of The Year

Again to Dawg Sports, for Kyle's post demanding the death penalty for Auburn. Yay, partisanship!

(honorable mention to SEC Football Blogger)

Best Big Ten Blog

MGoBlog, if you must read about the Big Ten. Reads way faster than Ohio State's defensive backs. Zing!

Best Blog (National Champion)

Every Day Should Be Saturday, in a walk. Is anyone else excited about the day (two years into the future?) where we can all agree that Orson is passe and take vicious potshots at him? Get ready for the Simmons treatment, Spencer.

SEC Name Of The Week: Jan. 22 Edition

2008-01-22T10:06:00.000-06:00

SEC Name of the Week:

Ramon Broadway, CB, Arkansas Razorbacks

Ramon is currently a third-team D-back for the Razorbacks, but you never know -- a strong offseason could lead to his name in lights! Seriously, the scary thing about this name is that it's the type you generally give yourself ... when you're strung out on meth and working the pole at a bar called "Meatslingers." As a public service, here's a quick naming guide that will help in determining your child's future in the performing arts:

Local Theater Actor: Gabriel Irving

Broadway: Oliver Platt

Male Hooker: Ramon Broadway

The above picture, unsurprisingly, is one of the first results on an image search for Ramon Broadway. I'm sure that Ramon mourns the loss of former coach Houston Nutt.

Pats Win, God Is Dead

2008-01-20T17:04:00.000-06:00

Look, we're aware that this isn't college football-related, but what the hell do you expect us to talk about for the next 8 months? Get used to lots of food and baseball-related posts. Basketball, except in the context of mid-March gambling, will not be discussed.

So we've spent our afternoon watching the Patriots roll into the Super Bowl, which is super-depressing. I think we can all agree that Tom Brady should not get to win Super Bowls and bang copious amounts of supermodels, all the while being rich and handsome. It's like if Bill Gates was also granted natural charm and great hair: simply unfair.

Anyhoo, we've got friends heading to Vegas next week, and we're considering throwing down $50 against the Pats (straight up?) if the lines get totally out of whack ... and because we'd like to have eternal gloating rights against all Massholes in the extremely unlikely event they lose.

While searching for the Super Bowl odds, we ran across this gem. Sure, it's totally unfair to pick pull-quotes from preseason betting columns, but it's safe to say that we won't be relying on Bodog.com writer Jason Brough for gambling advice anytime soon:

[on the Pats]

New England has a tough start to the regular season. Its first game is in New York against the Jets and then it returns home to play the Chargers. With two more tough road games in Cincinnati (Week 4) and Dallas (Week 6), the Pats could quite easily be a .500 team by mid-October.

... [on Atlanta] ...

The current odds seem about right. This isn't like the Colts losing Peyton Manning. Vick is a great athlete but an average quarterback. Let's see what new head coach Bobby Petrino can do in a wide-open NFC before we send the Falcons to the pink sheets.

... [on the Bears] ...
Said Michael Harmon of Foxsports.com to fantasy football players: "For those entering draft rooms worried about Rex Grossman, don't be. Grossman demonstrated more poise and confidence in his abilities than he had last year."

Anyway, we fully support this movement over at Kissing Suzy Kolber. We'll throw in a Got Nutt? t-shirt for the winner.

Where You Can Go And What You Can Do With Yourself: Jan. 17 Edition

2008-01-17T18:31:00.000-06:00

Sometime during the middle of each week, we'll provide you with gratuitous pictures of breasts, links to our favorite stuff, and a rundown of posting for the next week. No other blog does this, and we feel like we're filling a void.

Email us with your tips at cwatcf@gmail.com, and we'll post 'em right up.

BLOG SCHEDULE

Friday: Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin'
Monday: SEC Names of The Week: Jan. 21 Edition
Wednesday: A Rant, Courtesy of Irons

thanks to Mac G & SEC Poon for the pic

STUFF YOU SHOULD READ

Expect one hell of a bidding war between Huckabee and Romney over who gets to put this on the back of their campaign bus
Shockingly, HA8 JWZ is still a valid license plate in Georgia.

"He stood up, we shook hands and he said, 'You have a head coach,'" Falcons owner Arthur Blank said
We know this is REALLY late, but this may be the greatest news article of all time. Again, Bobby Petrino is an assclown. Our brothers over at Nation of Islam Sportsblog have another take.

Screw the custody hearing -- we'll just get a new one
Brit-Brit, pregnant? God willing.

THINGS WE HATE (updated weekly)

(FYI, we've been away for a while, so there's some backlog here)

1. Twenty-something NBA point guards in committed relationships. What could go wrong?
2. CWATCF, breaking news source. More reliable than the Times or the Guardian, anyway.
3. Batshit crazy Tom Cruise. We like to pretend that Maverick died with Goose.

THINGS WE LOVE (updated weekly)

1. Pollster.com
2. The moral superiority of our father's generation.
3. Ed Wade, GM in the Cardinals' division. So what if Brad Lidge is gone?
4. Andy Pettite, Supermegahypocrite.
5. Roger Clemens, Steroid User.
6. Fred Thompson's most prized possession.

Things I Have Pooped On

2008-01-16T19:51:00.000-06:00

1. Toilets
2. The ground (while camping)
3. Diapers (as a baby)

This sets me apart from New York Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora.

Mike Huckabee: CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide

2008-01-14T18:34:00.000-06:00

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders. In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

Mike Huckabee, South Florida Bulls

Eight months ago, you didn't know their name -- literally. In April of last year, Huckabee actually polled at 0% in a CNN survey. South Florida drew a whopping 26 votes in the USA Today preseason poll. This is remarkable in that Notre Dame more than tripled the Bulls' vote total (despite having no winnable games scheduled before October). Needless to say, expectations in both camps were not high.

And why would they have been? South Florida had never attained a top-25 ranking, and Huckabee was a hick-state governor whose claim to fame was that he used to resemble Rosie O'Donnell.

But then something started to happen: a few successful appearances on television garnered them a bit of national attention, the supposed frontrunners looked like hell, and then came the first real test. For Huckabee it was the Iowa caucuses; for USF a national spotlight game against West Virginia. Against bigger, better, better-funded opponents, both USF and Huckabee somehow managed to win and make it not look like an upset. #2 in the country? Republican frontrunner?

Sigh. At times the sports media (and fans) get so caught up in the thrill of optimism that we forget the primary characteristics of the world we live in: despair, defeat, and ugly reality. South Florida thudded back to earth with three straight losses to middling Big East teams, and people started to take a closer look at that West Virginia win. Pat White left in the second quarter? Slaton turned into Fumbles McGee? Hmmm ... perhaps that narrow victory wasn't so impressive after all. Pretty soon, we all realized that USF might not even be as lovable as we thought -- turns out their academic standards make the SEC look like the Ivies, and that they've been taking institutional control lessons from Mr. Bowden. Now we're beginning to see them for what they actually are -- a solid, up-and-coming program that's just getting its cheating sea legs, but NOT a national title contender.

And Huckabee? Well, it hasn't happened yet, but the implosion is coming. Sure, he beat Romney in Iowa ... but did people underestimate the Mormon thing (answer: probably)? Forget that Giuliani, the national front runner, didn't bother competing? Or just fail to realize that the Republican field was, um, piss-poor? In short, Iowa = overrated.

So Huckabee's the cute candidate at the moment -- he's got a lovely story (the man from Hope part deux, used to be a lardass), he's charming, funny, and his background is wholly unknown. He's Chuck Norris approved. Oh, and did we mention that he's the one candidate who evangelicals don't hate? A ticket headed by Giuliani or Romney -- both of whom have questionable conservative social credentials -- could effectively end the Republican voting coalition as we know it. On the other hand, there's no questioning that Huck hates the gays, loves the fetuses, and owns guns. If he's the headliner, the Southern Bible-thumpers will turn out in droves.

But will anyone else? Huck is hands down the most polarizing candidate for national office since Jesse Jackson. Will the average fiscally conservative Reaganite really vote for a candidate who spends like a big-government liberal and uses evangelical code words in his political speeches? Or runs TV ads with giant crosses in the background? If you're a secular independent, is there a chance in hell that you pull the lever for Huckabee? We almost forgot to mention that he's a petty, vindictive asshole, has corruption problems, and thinks he's going to replace the IRS with a 30% sales tax. I'm guessing the word that springs to mind is not "electable."

The fatal blow to his candidacy, however, may lie in his efforts while Governor to release serial rapist (and born-again evangelical) Wayne Dumond. Dumond had become something of a cause celebre for right-wing fanatics, as his latest victim had been a distant Clinton cousin. This led to some sort of bizarre conspiracy claim of unjust prosecution and imprisonment by those evil Clintons, and Huckabee pressured the parole board for Dumond's early release. It was granted, and less than a year later Dumond raped and murdered a woman in Missouri. Read the entire Murray Waas article -- it'll turn your stomach. As for the effect, presidential races are often conducted along the story lines of prior campaigns ... remember Willie Horton?

Anyway, we're talking serious bust potential here -- we can't see him winning the primaries, but crazier things have happened. If he somehow makes it to the general, we'll have a stomping of epic proportions, and an unsavory race (if his opponent is Clinton) that'll remind you of the Starr hearings.

UPDATE: Reader Double K reminds us that we forgot to mention Huck's son, David, who makes George W. Bush's youthful antics look socially responsible (listen up, electorate: if you elect two generations of Huckabees to the White House, CWATCF is moving to Canada).

And what did David Huckabee do? Well, for starters ... while working as a Boy Scout counselor, he caught a stray dog and hung it by the neck from a tree. Apparently, that wasn't sociopathic enough, so Lil' Huck then slit the dog's throat and stoned it to death.

Daddy Huck then allegedly had his lawyers lean on the appropriate parties to stamp out the investigation, even firing the head of the state police. David wasn't so lucky in 2007 when he was caught trying to bring a Glock onto a plane in his carry-on luggage. Until you elect him president, of course, Mike Huckabee can't fire the head of the TSA.

CWATCF Prediction

The test is South Carolina -- if Huckabee is going to remain a national player, he's got to win the evangelical strongholds. While he's led for a while, recent polls in SC (and other states) show the Huckabee lead dwindling -- or nonexistent. We're not sure we fully buy the recent surge of McCain support, but polls show that something is happening. Our forecast is a narrow loss in SC followed by a hardcore crash and burn.

A Little Somethin'-Somethin'

2008-01-11T11:05:00.000-06:00

Hola, lectores de mi blog -- just an update on what next week's schedule looks like:

Monday: SEC Names Of The Week and CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide: Mike Huckabee
Wednesday: Where You Can Go And What You Can Do With Yourself
Friday: Eat, Pray, And Get Some Lovin'

In the meantime, here's how we've wasted our morning:

Two guys wheel corpse around town to cash checks ... wait a minute ... I'm pretty sure I've seen this movie before.
Jimmy Carter will be your next president ... if you get on your knees and ask him nicely.
But for that term limits thing, W would be running as a change agent.
Steven Leavitt (of Freakonomics fame) has spent the last two years studying hookers. Seriously.
St. Louis University's basketball team is rebounding under new coach Rick Majerus. Mostly because they can't shoot for shit.
We highly recommend that you check this out. We'll miss you, Cultural Oddsmaker.
Kyle over at Dawg Sports does a little gloating from his high horse.
We are enjoying this EDSBS series. Schadenfreude!
A fairly reasoned article on why the SEC is not far and away the best conference in America ... and all we can hear is "blah blah blah blah blah."
The only time we'll ever link to a video featuring a floppy penis, we promise. Soccer streaker's night ends poorly.

A Response To Our Critics: Big Ten Edition

2008-01-09T17:36:00.000-06:00

So we've been getting a lot of crap in our comments and email lately about two things:

1. Our contention that Michigan State girls are trashy sloots.
2. The fact that we intensely dislike the Big Ten and its fan base, and that we think the conference sucks donkey balls. We've been called narrow-minded, ignorant, and unfair, as well as a number of other vulgar and/or poorly spelled things.

On the first point we invite you to decide for yourself. As for the second, well, we'd just like to point out that we're not the only ones that feel that way.

No, seriously, it appears that Big Ten animosity runs wide and deep. To hell with the Southern Strategy -- if the GOP runs on an anti-Tressel platform, Hilbama can kiss the White House goodbye.

Update: Ohio State loses their "The."

Perhaps We Can Stop Hearing About Ohio State Now?

2008-01-08T13:58:00.000-06:00

We might as well turn this one over to Dan Shanoff at Deadspin -- rarely have we seen a post that we agree with so completely. It wasn't the vaunted SEC speed that carried the day, but a simple talent advantage and a few timely coaching adjustments. The better team won, but we can't shake the feeling that we didn't see LSU give better than a B+ level performance this season.

Somehow this all leaves us a bit unsatisfied. After the most exciting college football season we can remember, the title game seemed a bit anticlimactic ... and todays polls don't help that feeling. Ohio State at #5, UGA and USC splitting the #2 spot ... does anyone really feel like we saw the best two teams play last night? Not surprisingly, we're already hearing calls for a playoff. We happen to think UGA president Michael Adams is an assclown (and that 8 teams is far too expansive a field), but at the very least a plus one would be a nice step in the right direction.

Anyway, at least one thing was definitively settled last night: Jamarcus Russell is the greatest dresser in the history of clothing.

SEC Names Of The Week: National Championship Edition

2008-01-06T11:07:00.000-06:00

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will. Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Names of the Week:

After the Fiesta Bowl's exhibition of Dingle-Berry on national television, we're feeling a bit inadequate. This week's names both come from the only SEC team still playing, your LSU Tigers.

T-Bob Hebert, C

Due to its potpourri of culture and 49th-ranked education system, Louisiana is a target-rich environment for SEC NOTW ... and judging by the picture above, T-Bob is, um, an easy target. God bless the Cajuns.

Early Doucet, WR

For some reason this name doesn't seem particularly ridiculous at first glance. Then you realize that Early's mother chose to name her child an adverb.

Perhaps he was a preemie? I'm sure Early's teammate's mother is jealous.

Hillary Clinton: CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide

2008-01-02T12:15:00.000-06:00

Hillary Clinton: Ohio State Buckeyes

Sigh. The "inevitability" candidates. Everybody knew coming into 2007 that Ohio State and Hillary were safe bets for the Big Dance in '08 ... and exactly nobody was particularly excited about this. Clinton's early money advantage seemed dispositive, as did the Buckeyes' lineup of Big Ten patsies. God, was this really going to happen?

It's hard to think of two entities that would draw higher "general unfavorables" in a national poll. Notre Dame? Bin Laden? W? The problem is sorting out how much of this antipathy is deserved, and how much is unjust. We have neither the blog space nor the inclination to sort out the Clinton-hate of the 90s. At this point, you all know her and you've made up your mind (or you're terrified of Howard Wolfson and will do whatever he tells you to do). Nor do we care to rehash last year's debacle of a National Cham ... hahahahahaha who are we kidding? 41-14, bitches! But the point stands: sure, Hillary is abrasive, robotic, and non-feminine, and Tressel is a cheater with a boring playbook and a sweatervest ... but should we hate them? Do Tressel's accomplishments outweigh his bland, efficient manner and tendency to backdoor his way into big games? Do Hillary's (sometimes unsuccessful) policy initiatives while first lady, Senatorial background, and general comfort with the Washington machine outweigh Monica (Republican laugh line: nothing could outweigh Monica)?

The answer? Among the voting public, who the hell knows. Hillary has gotten a bigger challenge than expected from Obama (and Edwards?), much like Ohio State's choke at Illinois -- remember that at the time, everyone thought that loss would knock them out of the BCS championship game.

We'll see if Hillary can pull off the Ohio State road-to-redemption and roll into the general. Oh, she'd better win Iowa. And if she doesn't win Iowa, she'd better win NH. But would a loss in either sink her battleship? Um ... maybe? She's better organized than anyone on a national scale, and she -- unlike the other frontrunners -- is on the ballot in Michigan and Florida.

CWATCF Prediction:

Second in Iowa to Obama (and damn, she better not come in third), first in NH. If this happens, the technical term for the Democratic primaries becomes "clusterfuck." The question then becomes whether a black man (or a Clinton) can really win in South Carolina. Our guess is that Obama's Iowa victory gives him enough momentum to be a clear frontrunner heading into the second big round of primaries. Watch for the Clinton thugs (Mark Penn, that's you!) to pull out the long knives if that happens.

How To Win With Class: Sugar Bowl Edition

2008-01-02T10:30:00.000-06:00

41-10! Colt Brennan a quivering pile of mush! Knowshon!

Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof ... [pant] ... woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof ... [gasp] ... woof woof woof woof! Woof!

Your tears feed our soul. Thank you, and we'll be taking your coconuts now. Black jerseys, baby.

How To Form A Rooting Interest: The Lesser Of Two ...

2008-01-01T10:29:00.000-06:00

Three years ago I was a rabid SEC fan, but with a fairly limited football world view. Didn't know about Big Ten football; didn't care. I mean total ambivalence -- I couldn't have located the state of Indiana on a map, nor did I care to.

And then I moved to Chicago. Christ, the pasty-white, sweatpants-wearing Big Ten sorority girls practically ooze from the cracks in the sidewalk ... and they all want to tell you about the amazing traditions at Notre Dame, Minnesota's great rivalries, or how lightning fast Ohio State really is. Big Ten bars litter the street corners, and it's damn hard to find decent football (read: SEC) on their tee-vees because the Iowa frat boys need three screens in order to watch their thrilling matchup with mighty Northwestern. Without exception, they're incredibly self-righteous and objectively wrong.

So now I run a Notre Dame/Big Ten hate site (still waiting for the official designation from the SPLC). Last night I pulled for Tommy Tuberville -- without remorse. Today I plan to root for Phil "Bacon" Fulmer. I will not lose sleep over this. I will watch every Big Ten game (exception: Illinois) with malevolence in my heart. And god willing, in 2008, I will no longer have to hear about how great a coach Kirk Ferentz is.

Today's Schedule

10:00 Bacon v. Big Ten Assholes
12:00 Florida v. Big Ten Assholes
3:30 Zooker! (unlike Swindle, we actually love the Zooker)
7:30 Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof!

Music City Bowl = Irony

2007-12-31T15:08:00.000-06:00

We're going to spend the afternoon watching the towel boys at Free Shoes University confront Andre' Woodson and the Wildcats of Kentucky. For FSU, the Gaylord Hotels Bowl represents a big step up from last year's trip to the Emerald Nuts Bowl. Enjoy the last years of the Bowden Era, guys! Judging by the first few minutes of the game, the 'Noles may break out the clown cars by halftime.

Just a reminder to purchase our intellectual property:

Michigan State Fans: Exactly What You'd Expect

2007-12-30T10:03:00.000-06:00

Note: Due to the holiday, SEC NOTW will be on hiatus until next week.

As the year drags to a close, we at CWATCF always like to look back on the new experiences of the past 12 months. It consistently amazes us that in life, almost nothing is what you'd expect. Reading a review of The Godfather (or, for that matter, Biodome), for example, can barely scratch the surface of what the actual movie experience will be like. Can Fodor's prepare you for your first glimpse of Italy? Or Des Moines? Not a chance. Remember your first shot of bourbon?

The point of all of this is that life is full of mystery and magic, and daily wonder is the status quo. That being the case, it can be especially jarring when something is ... well ... entirely what you'd expect.

Let's quickly review our preconceptions of Michigan State fans: Rock-dumb enough to live in East Lansing ... completely ignorant of fashion trends not espoused by Fergie ... wears sweatpants/jean skirts/black ho pants ... future trailer owner ... pasty from lack of exposure to the sun ... or orange from over-tanning ... roots showing ... vaguely trashy in a central-Florida kind of way.

Oh. My. Well, that was accurate. Follow the link to see more wholly unsurprising MSU fan pictures.

Anyway, we thought we'd throw up a working list of other things in life that are wholly unsurprising. Feel free to add to the list, Brady and Anderson. Everyone else, give us your picks in the comments.

Exactly What You'd Expect

Indianapolis
Sweet Tarts
Toby Keith concerts
Alabama
Children on planes
Flavor of Love
Busch Light

CWATCF Road Trip: The Champs Sports Bowl

2007-12-29T08:50:00.000-06:00

Most of you are familiar with our reputation for first-line, direct source reporting. To give you a glimpse of the real bowl experience, CWATCF took a little field trip to the Champs Sports Bowl yesterday ... wooooooo crappy third-tier Big Ten-Big East matchup!!!!! Actually, as we recently watched 300, we had high hopes for this one. This is Sparta!!!! Hoouup!!!!!

The game did not live up to the movie.

Boston College v. Michigan State

First of all, the Citrus Bowl closed off the entire upper deck. What the hell kind of revenues do these crappy bowl games pull in? Swindle seems to think the answer is, um, not much.

On to the game. To our untrained, non-expert eyes, BC quarterback Matt Ryan looked like the real deal. The ball always came out on time, he threw the deep out on a rope, and he showed nice accuracy on deep balls. BC coach Jim Jagodzinski astutely took advantage of his NFL-ready QB by having Ryan spend most of the game throwing 5-yard curl patterns to the tight end and quick checks to the running back (presumably, his wide receivers blow donkey balls). This made for a terribly exciting game. And the Spartans? They've installed one of them fancy new spread offenses with all the wide receivers and the crazy formations ... and apparently only one play (HB Dive). Thrilling.

So BC won 24-21. Praise the Jesus.

Mitt Romney: CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide

2007-12-28T09:28:00.000-06:00

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders. In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

Mitt Romney: 2007 Alabama Football

OK, so this is cheating a bit -- we're really comparing Romney to Saban rather than the Alabama team itself -- but hey, Nick Saban and Mitt Romney might be the two biggest snake oil salesmen in the country. Both have an undeniable record of past successes, but current circumstances preclude them from winning big this year.

1) I believe exactly what you prefer me to believe.

Who knows where these guys stand? Does Saban really hate Auburn? I mean, really hate Auburn? Sure, he can spout platitudes about Tide Pride with the best of 'em, but raise your hand if you think Saban wouldn't take over for Tuberville this minute if the Tigers dangled $4.5 million in front of his nose. Bama fans are right to be hesitant in fully embracing the man.

Likewise, does Mitt really have the xenophobic qualifications necessary to be the Republican nominee? Oh, he claims to hate the gays, though nobody's sure if he actually means it. Since he kicked off his campaign at the Henry Ford Museum, we're pretty sure he really hates the Jews. He's perfectly happy to persecute brown people if necessary ... but it's not a Tancredo-esque crusade for him.

And abortion? Oy. His views have "evolved."

2) Fine, I'll sleep with you, but only if you wear this paper bag.

Mitt's a soulless corporate raider (his entire candidacy is staked on the fact that this makes him a competent manager) an animal abuser, and -- oh my -- a former Massachusetts governor who approved state-sponsored health care.

Similarly, Alabama hired a less-than-friendly mercenary, and Bama fans would probably be happy to torture a dog or two these days. Did we mention that Saban's a Yankee, born and bred in the Northeast? And not The Bear?

3) Hey, is that an elephant in the corner?

Poll question idea for the Gallup operation in Alabama: If this was the Inquisition and you were on the rack, who would you vote for, a Mormon or an LSU Tiger? With a nod to Pat Buchanan, the likely answer: Keep turning the screws.

Saban is/was a Tiger. End of story. Likewise, no matter how many times the Mittster says he loves Jesus, he's going to be a tough sell to evangelical voters ... and everyone else, for that matter. Sooner or later, the Mormon religion will get a full vetting by Christian (and secular) voters, and it won't be pretty.

Here's what you're going to hear on the tee-vee: The Mormon church was founded in 1827 by Joseph Smith, a convicted con man (who spent his early years divining for water) who claimed to find golden tablets with messages from God. Joseph refused to show said tablets to anyone else, and after he transcribed them they "returned to God," i.e. disappeared. Joseph, and subsequent church leaders, claimed that God frequently granted them revelations. A surprising number of these involved granting those same leaders additional (and very young) wives.

Other problems? The LDS embraced polygamy (before it officially didn't, though many fundamentalist sects still embrace it), was an officially racist institution (until 1978!). According to Brigham Young, a church leader, having sex with black people would kill you on the spot (again, the church later changed their mind). Did I mention that they wear magic underwear? And were involved in one of the worst mass-murders ever on US soil?

*Ed. Note: We don't think Mormonism is objectively any crazier than Christianity. 200,000,000 people in this country believe that a long-haired hippie could magic water into wine, walk on water, and fly. Mormons just believe that similar things happened ... um ... in 1880.

Are these facts indicative of Romney's capacity to serve as President of the United States? Probably no more than Saban's Tiger ties are to Bama's success. But that doesn't mean they aren't relevant to the deep-seated opinions of fans and voters.

CWATCF Prediction

Regardless of your level of competency, it's damn difficult to overcome the average guy's perception of your past. Romney is smart, capable, and flush with campaign money. In a world void of abortion, gays, and the Religious Right he might make a decent president. But in an era where issue-voting is vitally important, it's difficult to see voters picking a guy with virtually no identifiable positions.

Mitt's big problem is Huckabee -- if evangelical voters have a viable alternative, he's probably toast. Huckabee, however, is a terrible candidate who will (given enough time) suffer from overexposure. If this happens early enough, Romney can win Iowa on Jan. 3 (and he'll likely take NH, too). He leads in Jan. 8's MI primary ... and could ride that momentum to a victory in SC the next week, obtaining an insurmountable lead.

Romney could be your nominee with a few breaks, but something akin to Saban's 6-6 year is more likely. Expect an incredibly embarrassing ULM-caliber defeat along the way.

Holiday Drinking Season Heroes

2007-12-27T09:32:00.001-06:00

Culled from the gold-plated pages of the New Orleans Times-Picayune come this week's Holiday Drinking Season Heroes. These guys are not your average drunks. No sir. They are buzzing like a bad amplifier before you are even out of bed.

Alvin Grace, 22, 1239 Piety St., New Orleans, Dec. 6, 11 a.m., at N. Robertson St. and Franklin Ave., DWI.

Jake S. Henry, 25, 1025 Jamie Ct., Violet, Dec. 10, 11:38 a.m., at Second St. and Danneel St., DWI.

Ritchie Matthew, 29, 5417 S. Prieur St., New Orleans, Dec. 15, 3:53 p.m., in the 600 block of S. Carrollton Ave., DWI.

Bottoms Up! Have another glass of nog, friends!

John McCain: CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide

2007-12-26T08:37:00.000-06:00

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders. In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams. Go here for links to all of the candidates.

John McCain: 2007 Michigan Wolverines

Much like preseason #5 Michigan, John McCain entered the 2007 season with high expectations. As a distinguished four-term senator, veteran, and POW (the man cannot raise his arms above shoulder-level because of torture), McCain initially appeared to be a giant in a field of midgets. McCain had been an early leader in 2000 against George W. Bush, as well, but suffered a bitter -- and decisive -- defeat in the South Carolina primary (someone, presumably Rove, started a whisper campaign claiming that McCain had fathered a black baby ... shockingly, this swayed a number of enlightened South Carolina voters). Michigan's 2006 season ended on a similar note, with a loss to #1 Ohio State (hahahaha ... #1 at the time) knocking them out of a potential National Championship berth. To the delight of Michigan-haters across the nation, the Wolverines followed this up by whining a lot, then bending over for Pete Carroll's USC team in the Rose Bowl.

But hey, 2007 looked bright. Henne and Hart were back, McCain's team was in place. The conventional wisdom was that both parties were experienced, battle hardened, and destined for big things.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then things went south ... you might remember a certain upset in Week 1, and you probably helped John McCain not raise any campaign money.

Needless to say, nobody handled this particularly well.

Suddenly, the discontent started to fester. Republicans remembered that they hated McCain, a traditional Goldwater Republican (a popular breed in the Southwest, usually with libertarian leanings, especially on social issues). McCain had spent the last three years shamelessly/pathetically pandering to W, Falwell, and other assorted bigots, but it didn't take (Think Lloyd Carr toying with the spread). At the end of the day, the man just doesn't seem hard-line enough on abortion, it's not crystal clear that he finds the homos distasteful ... and dear god, he doesn't hate brown people enough. Like the Michigan fan base, the Republican party had evolved (heh ... it's funny because Republicans don't believe in evolution).

And it seemed that both 'o7 Michigan and McCain would sink into oblivion, good only for a few snickers at OSU keggers or Jonah Goldberg-hosted cocktail parties (note that the respective events would be quite similar in both decorum and collective IQ of the attendees).

But after the initial period of embarrassing floundering, something strange happened: the beast didn't die. I'm sure we all remember looking in the paper in Week 8, seeing a "#15" by Michigan's name, and thinking "Wait -- what the hell?" It's mind-blowing to think about, but after losing to a I-AA team, Michigan had a chance to win the Big Ten and go to a BCS bowl (ed. note: thank God this didn't happen). After we left McCain for dead, the same thing's happening here -- all of a sudden, he's polling second in Iowa, and hanging around within striking distance in a number of early primary states. Could he really pull this off?

CWATCF Prediction:

Of course, we all know how this ended for Lloyd Carr, with him "retiring" to the great sorrow of at least four Michigan fans. Likewise, McCain's campaign is probably too far behind to catch up, but don't write him off quite yet. A solid second in Iowa (to Huckabee) and New Hampshire (to Romney) might be the launching pad he needs to become a serious contender. Michigan and California will likely decide this thing, and right now they're anybody's game.

Bottom line? Who the hell knows -- this is your dark horse candidate.

Happy Holidays And All That Jazz

2007-12-24T10:06:00.000-06:00

We hope you are all enjoying the time off work. Just wanted to let you know that SEC NOTW is a total bust this week -- there are apparently no players named Judas on the current SEC rosters. 'Tis a pity.

UPDATE: Several readers have pointed out that "Petrino" is the new Judas. We regret the omission.

Anyway, there will be a new feature coming this Wednesday ... or Thursday. Wooo! Exciting!

Stay safe, and as Kissing Suzy Kolber has pointed out, don't drink and drive.

Eat, Pray, And Get Some Lovin': Christmas Edition

2007-12-21T15:20:00.000-06:00

For an overview of Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin', go here.

Step 1: Trick a young lady into coming to your abode.

Method of the week:

Step 2: Buy and prep ingredients for Beef Tenderloin Roast with Horseradish Mashed Potatoes
In order to get her to unwrap your second gift (ed. note: we mean penis) you'll probably have to buy her something that appears to be nice. Couple that with a homemade meal and this is probably the time to bring up that thing you've always wanted to try with handcuffs, an eggplant, and the family cat.

Beef Tenderloin
-Sure, it's a bit on the front end, but buying a whole tenderloin is generally a huge cost-saver.
-Try Sam's or Costco for this (and steaks in general). Generally, you can get a whole tenderloin for around $50, and you'll get 6-8 steaks out of it (plus a good bit of leftover scrap meat useful for stir fries, Philly cheese steak, etc.). Compare to $18+/lb at grocery stores.
-Assume 1.5" per person. Cut the necessary length (i.e. 6" for 4 people) and let it come to room temperature. Wrap remainder in foil and plastic wrap and freeze.
3 lb. Yukon Gold Potatoes
-These are great for mashed potatoes because of their consistency and
1/2 cup Sour Cream
Milk
1/2 stick Butter
Chives
3 tbs. Horseradish
-Usually comes in a glass jar near the olives. Check the deli area as well.
Cumin
Salt
Pepper

Step 3: Cook

Beef Part 1: Preheat oven to 400. Generously season (and I mean generously) beef roast with salt and pepper, pressing it into the sides. Sprinkle with a bit of cumin. Heat a large skillet on high until it is smoking hot. Add a tablespoon or two of a neutral oil. Use something with a high smoke point, like peanut, canola, or even just "vegetable." Olive oil will burn at this high of a temperature. Sear tenderloin for 2 minutes a side. Usually, there are 3 "sides" to a roast, so figure 6-7 minutes total (no more). Remember, when you cook meat, you don't want to move it around after it's in the pan. This allows it to form a good crust and keeps the meat from tearing. Remove tenderloin to a plate.

Potatoes Part 1: Peel potatoes (don't worry about perfection here) and place in a dutch oven or large pot. Cover with cold water, and heat over medium-high heat. Bring to boil, and cook for about 15-20 minutes. If you can easily pierce potatoes with a fork, they are done.

Beef Part 2: Place roast in a roasting pan (any large pan, like a sheet pan, will work). Place in oven for 30-35 minutes, or until it hits 135 internally (for those of you with meat thermometers). Remove tenderloin from oven. Cover with foil, and allow to stand for at least five minutes. Cut into 1.5" rounds. Top each with a pat of butter.

Potatoes Part 2: Drain potatoes. Return to heat and cook until all liquid in the bottom has evaporated. Add butter, horseradish, chives, and sour cream, and generously season with salt and pepper. Mash with a potato masher (or a slotted spoon, fork, etc.). Add milk as needed to reach desired consistency. Do not overmash (use as few strokes as possible), as this will make your potatoes gummy. Taste, and add more salt and pepper if necessary.

Step 4:

Don't Taze Me, Brah

2007-12-20T15:10:00.000-06:00

We here at CWATCF completely support the use of tasers, tear gas, Uzis, and bazookas to rid the peaceful streets of New Orleans of the trustafarians, hippies, beatniks, and other assorted filth that has accumulated to protest the demolition of four horrendous housing projects.

GO NOPD!

CWATCF Merchandise: Class Is For Gators

2007-12-18T22:02:00.000-06:00

Hey, is that a Panderbear I see (yes, we will sacrifice our team loyalties in the name of apparel sales)? It seems FSU players aren't pursuing their studies with the honesty and non-cheatiness required by the overlords at the NCAA. As a result, it appears that their towel boys will be starting in the Gaylord Music City Bowl (seriously -- they're going to suspend 20+ 'Noles, and that's actually the bowl name).

Yeah, we all know Florida players don't actually go to class, either, but it's always fun to poke your rival with a sharp stick. With Spurrier no longer around to coin vicious slogans, CWATCF does its best to pick up the slack.

As always, this comes in an array of styles and sizes, including thongs and maternity wear. Click on the image to buy, or go here for the CWATCF Store.

Merry Christmas To You

2007-12-18T09:29:00.000-06:00

...and a Happy Kwanzaa to Anderson and Phil.

We really need to get some mistletoe belts in the CWATCF store.

Quick Note On Mercenaries

2007-12-17T13:33:00.000-06:00

Rumors are flitting around that Saban may have contacted West Virginia about their vacancy.

No word on whether this isn't maybe not unverifiably true or not. We assume Saban is willing to leave for his customary Current Salary + $1 requirement.

Anyway, don't say we didn't warn you, Bama. Just be glad it isn't Auburn.

SEC Names Of The Week: Dec. 17 Edition

2007-12-17T13:14:00.000-06:00

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name of the Week:

Telly Concepcion, DB, Florida Gators

Oh, it must have taken his mum a fortnight to come up with a name for the lad, but a corking good one did she find. Aaaaaaaand that's really all the British slang I'm capable of, but it's irrelevant. Telly is not British; this name is retarded.

This is, of course, just an excuse to post this picture of Tim Tebow's Heisman Trophy:

Ah, Florida.

SEC West Name of the Week:
COMING SOON

Rich-Rod Takes Michigan Job, WVU's Chances Of Ever Winning A National Championship

2007-12-16T15:26:00.000-06:00

Rich Rodriguez to Michigan. Some people aren't happy about it, but we have fond recollections of Rodriguez as the OC on a 12-0 Tulane team ... and then Tulane leaving him standing on the podium wearing a green jacket ... as the AD announced they would be starting a coaching search ... and then hired Chris Scelfo ... god that's a painful memory.

Good luck, Rich!

[basically we just want you to beat Ohio State so we don't have to listen to this Tressel-is-God BS anymore]

Does This Remind You Of Anything?

2007-12-14T19:25:00.000-06:00

So Appalachian State and Delaware are playing for the I-AA National Championship tonight on ESPN. It might interest you to hear that these are Delaware's uniforms:

Hee.

Eat, Pray, And Get Some Lovin': Dec. 14 Edition

2007-12-14T10:07:00.000-06:00

Each week, we’ll publish an idiot-proof recipe that’ll score you some ‘tang. In return, you’ll send us pictures of the classy ladies (which we’ll post) and let us know how you did. Note that this section is not for more accomplished chefs, but for morons who just want to convince ladies that they are accomplished chefs. Expect us to talk down to you.

For an overview of Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin', go here.

Step 1: Trick a young lady into coming to your abode.

Method of the week:

Step 2: Buy and prep ingredients for White Vegetarian Chili

If you're cooking fancy French cuisine for dinner, you can almost always find a restaurant to do it better (for a price, of course). Not so with chili, the ultimate home cooking masterpiece. It's eminently flexible, so it can be halved (this recipe will give you leftovers), added to, or made without meat. "I've had a long week, and I just want to rent a movie, make comfort food, and spend time with you (see Step 4)." Anyway, the important thing here is to use a number of different kinds of chilis to get a pleasing, not-too-hot flavor.

6 cans (15.oz.) Cannellini Beans
-These are just white kidney beans, and the color is the only distinguishing factor. If you can't find them, just by "light red" kidney beans, "dark red," or a mix.
-Open cans and drain beans of their juices.
28 oz. can crushed Tomatoes.
-Drain tomatoes of their juices through a strainer.
-Add drained tomatoes to your largest roasting pan.
4 cups Chicken Stock
-Available in the soup aisle, generally in a yellow box.
-Warm stock, either over the stove or by placing in a bowl, then microwaving.
2 Poblano Chilis
-These should be near the jalapenos, and should look like skinnier bell peppers.

-If you like things rather mild, use only one. Poblanos aren't oppressively hot, but this is a personal choice thing.
-Don't touch your eyes after handling. It's called capsaicin, and it'll f'ing hurt.
-Dice 1 chili, cut the other into 1/2" chunks.
-Add chunks to roasting pan.
1 Red or Yellow Bell Pepper
-Dice half, and cut the rest into 3/4" chunks.
-Remember, morons, when cutting a pepper, remove the seeds from the inside.
-Add chunks to roasting pan.
1.5 Yellow Onions
-Dice half onion, chop whole onion into 3/4" chunks.
-Add chunks to roasting pan.
2 ears Corn
-Run your blade down the sides of the ears to separate the kernels.
-Add to roasting pan.
4 Cloves Garlic
-Hopefully, you own a garlic press at this point. Otherwise, mince.
1.5 tbs Pasilla Chili Powder
-Sweet-flavored, mild chili that balances the rest out.
1.5 tbs Ancho Chili Powder
-Smoky-flavored, still rather mild chili that adds a ton of flavor.
2 tsp. Chipotle Chili Powder
-Usually has a kick, so be careful not to overdo it. Taste before adding more.
Pinch Dried/Fresh Thyme
Salt
Pepper
-Be generous with the pepper.
Sour Cream Monterey Jack
-Grated

OPTIONAL:
If you have mushrooms or zucchini laying around the house, put them in the chili pot -- uncooked -- when you take the roasting pan out of the oven.

Step 3: Cook

1. Preheat broiler.

2. ROASTING PAN: Add all chunked vegetables along with drained tomatoes. Sprinkle generously with all three kinds of chili powder (do not subtract from above amount), salt, and pepper. Drizzle several tablespoons of olive oil over the vegetables and stir to combine. Put under broiler. Check and stir every five minutes; do not let vegetables burn. You want vegetables to singe just a bit; this should take about 20 minutes (maybe more; depends on broiler). Remove pan from oven.

3. LARGE POT/DUTCH OVEN: Add a couple of tablespoons of olive oil over medium-low heat. When pan starts to warm, add onion, pepper, and a good pinch of salt; stir. Adjust heat if necessary; you do not want onions to brown. After 7 minutes, add the garlic and stir. 1 minute later, add the beans and warm stock. The mixture should be soupy. Bring to a simmer and cook for 25 minutes. Mixture should begin to thicken; crush some beans against the side of the pot with your spatula to help the process along. Add contents of roasting pan (including liquids released) to pot. Stir.

4. Determining whether your chili is finished is simple -- does it look like chili? In the event your mixture is still soupy, raise the heat to medium to reduce it to chili form. If you need to delay dinner (due to Step 4?) and your chili looks a little dry, add some more liquid in the form of stock or water and turn the temperature to low. This is impossible to screw up.

5. Garnish with sour cream and grated cheese.

Step 4:

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