Rudy Giuliani: CWATCF Primary Dropouts Guide

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders.

In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

Rudy Giuliani, Notre Dame Fightin' Irish

Some people don’t get to be president or coach Notre Dame because they’re poor, female, or black. Rudy Giuliani doesn’t get to be president because:

1. He ran a campaign that made Fred Thompson’s clown circus look positively competent – $50 million dollars spent, 1 delegate received. At that rate, he would have needed $60 billion to win.

2. He’s an asshole.

Seriously, read this Vanity Fair article, which focuses on Rudy's wife. It would be in the running for most vicious political hit piece of all time ... if it weren’t all true. Eleanor & Franklin the Giulianis are not.

The results were ugly, lopsided, and deserved. As former NYC mayor Ed Koch said, “The beast is dead.” Judging by Fat Charlie's reputation among Notre Dame alums, we'll see the same reaction after the Irish can his ass.

Where You Can Go, And What You Can Do With Yourself: Dec. 5

Each Wednesday, we'll provide you with gratuitous pictures of breasts, links to our favorite stuff, and a rundown of posting for the next week. No other blog does this, and we feel like we're filling a void.

Email us with your tips at cwatcf@gmail.com, and we'll post 'em right up.

Gigi enjoys covering her nipples. Because as long as you do that, you're a model. NOT a pornstar, DAD!


BLOG SCHEDULE

Friday: Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin'
Monday: SEC Names of The Week: Dec. 10 Edition
Wednesday: Irons' Weekly Rant.

STUFF YOU SHOULD READ

"What we want them to do is present themselves as a rose to their husband with no blemishes."
Purity Balls are the hot new place to cruise for easy, non-herpes-ridden naive chicks. And to hear creepy lines like "At the next [ball], her father gave her a pearl necklace." Those wacky evangelicals!

Sherri Shepherd, the Charlie Weis of daytime talk shows.



She also thinks the world is flat. Seriously. Funny thing is, this is proof that Barbara Walters -- not Sherri Shepherd -- is the dumbest human being alive. Had The View kept Rosie, it would probably be the single greatest show in the history of television.

THINGS WE HATE (updated weekly)

1. Weather update cut-ins during football games.
2. Herbstreit. He kicked off Championship Saturday with wildly inaccurate and potentially damaging comments about LSU, and proceeded to announce one of the worst games in the history of awful announcing: "And the Pitt Steelers have the ball on WVU's 30 ..."
3. The NFL Network. Seriously, drop it already.


THINGS WE LOVE (updated weekly)

1. God raining bear-maulings on the hataz.
2. Joe Gibbs, memorializing Sean Taylor by shooting himself in the foot. RIP, Sean!
3. Charlie Weis joining the Committee for People With Intellectual Disabilities.

How To Win Friends And Influence People: Part 1

UPDATE: So, it's been brought to our attention that Kuechenberg is sort of a dick. On the other hand, he did use the rhetorical question "Does a frog have a waterproof butthole?" on the radio, so we figure it's a wash.

Seems that some of the former Fightin' Irish players aren't so pleased with The Fat Man. Former Notre Dame and Miami Dolphin football star Bob Kuechenberg joined the Dennis and Callahan Radio show for this gem of a chat:

BK: They have all, to a man, said that [Weis] is unnecessarily rude and crude to the Notre Dame community ... when he left the Patriots and got a sweetheart deal, a sweetheart offer from Notre Dame ... at that point, it's not a one year or a two year contract, it's a five year, beautiful contract. Charlie Weis and his family are secure financially forever, and it's his dream job -- going back to Notre Dame -- unbelievable! Then Tom Benson, the owner of the New Orleans Saints gets a hold of him a few weeks before the opening game of his tenure and says, "Charlie, you've only been in the NFL. Let me see that contract -- aw, that's a pittance. Tear it up and you come with me."

I know that I would, you two would, and any man of character at that point would -- I believe -- have said "Mr. Benson, that is a great honor, I really appreciate your respect for my ability, but I've just signed a contract with Notre Dame, the job of my lifetime. This is what I'm meant to be, and thank you but no thank you." Instead, what he does is go to Notre Dame's athletic department and says "Here's what New Orleans offered and what can you do about it. I can't turn this down."

So instead, he holds them ransom and they extend it to ten years from five years. Right there, what does that tell you about the man? I mean, how much money do you need? What are your priorities?

Host: But Bob, most college coaches are mercenaries ... they all hold the school over a barrel when they get these [inaudible], no?

BK: No, no, not at all. Now I don't mind when he goes and gets a year or two into his five year deal and says "Okay, now, you know, it's a fit, and let's extend this, everybody's happy." That's customary. Not to do what he did. That's a low blow and it's absolutely unnecessary. I mean, how much friggin' money do you need? What's your priority in life?

Host: Bob, two questions here. Are the priests, the fathers, the clergy offended by his language, his sideline deportment, and now that they gave him the extension on the extension, what are they saying behind closed doors and in back channels about what they're getting for their money?

BK: Um, I cannot answer, you know, what the priests, and the other authorities at Notre Dame are speaking. I'm only speaking to my alumni friends. I've not spoken to any officials of Notre Dame, the university. Just my own opinion of what I've seen. Again, I've not met Charlie, but I don't need to meet Charlie. When a man makes that choice that we just discussed ... I don't want to meet Charlie, frankly.

Host: Well, what happened specifically to you? You went there with some friends or wanted to bring some friends through the locker room -- is that correct?

BK: No, no, nothing like that. I’ve never spoken to Charlie, or you know, I’ve never had personal interaction with Charlie at all.

Host: So what did he do, other than lose, that so offended you?

BK: You know, his demeanor. I believe the student athlete at Notre Dame is expected to be extra special. Also, it’s all about leadership and I don’t think he’s providing the right kind of leadership.

Charlie, Tommy Tuberville can clue you in as to what this means:

Again, it's petition time, baby.

Sophie's Choice: Duke v. Notre Dame

A recent conversation with our brothers over at Nation of Islam Sports Blog awakened us to a startling, if obvious point: most of America is torn about who to root for this weekend. For most, this is a choice between Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook, Holly Rowe and Pam Ward, gonorrhea and syphilis.

Now, we have no personal ill will towards Coach Krzyzewski and his university full of second-generation Asian-Americans – he coaches in something called the “ACC,” after all, and apparently for a “basket-ball” team, whatever that is. However, we can appreciate the magnitude of anti-Duke sentiment out there:

Google “Hate Duke,” and you get 2,070,000 hits. Even if you assume that around 25% of them concern the Klansman/almost-Senator from Louisiana, that’s still a pretty staggering collection of ill will (ND pulls in 1.6 million hits on a similar search).

So here we are: a game between the two of the most reviled institutions in college athletics. We are informed that there are no circumstances under which they can both lose (unless they are both cheating, which judging by current records falls into the “unlikely” category).

In Sophie’s Choice, a mother is forced to choose which one of her two children will live, and which will perish. Faced with a question that has no right answers, her only logical choice is to choose the one who is strongest and most likely to survive. As we -- and the majority of the nation -- are in the opposite position ("Please, take them both!"), it's clear that our only choice is to support the weaker program. Let's take a look:

Duke Blue Devils

Program Strengths:

• Um, basketball?
• Campus not located in Indiana.
  

Program Weaknesses:

• Coached by moron.
• Record since 1995: 20-122.
• No conference wins since 2004.
  
• Mandated 30 years of pestilence and plague in return for giving The Devil his coaching start.
  
• National (and local) apathy.
• Duke chicks.
  

Notre Dame Fightin' Irish

Program Strengths:

• Innumerable traditions.
• National alumni base, Catholic support.
• "Earned" bowl spots 16 of the last 20 years, including 8 BCS-caliber bowls.
• Gobs of money.
  

Program Weaknesses:

• The fat man.
• Notre Dame chicks.
• Overwhelming sense of entitlement, even when objectively ugly or bad at football.
  

The choice is clear: Duke football is a rotting carcass, deader than dead. At best, the Devils aspire to a 3-8 season and a midweek telecast on ESPN -- hell, a conference win would set them dancing in the streets.

Touchdown Jesus and his merry band of Leprechauns, on the other hand ... well, they're on life support. In this analogy, the BCS and NBC are the doctors, squeezing the Irish onto weekly national television and snuff-film quality bowl games against SEC teams. As has been noted, all they have left is their dignity. Let's Schiavo this patient while we still can.

And on that note, let us band together, fight back the nausea, and say it in unison:

THIS WEEK, WE ARE ALL BLUE DEVILS.

Go here and sign our petition.

Petition powered by ThePetitionSite.com

Notre Dame Loses To Navy For The First Time In 44 Years