SEC Name of the Week: March 14 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Name of the Week:

Phelon Jones, WR, Florida Gators

There's only one thing I can think of that would cause Berman to splooge in his pants faster than Phelon being drafted by the Minnesota Vikings:


Let's all pray that Phelon sucks at football.

SEC Name Of The Week: Feb. 26 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Name of the Week:

Lazarius Levingston, DE, LSU Tigers

Pregnant Mother: You know who I like in the Bible?

Father: Who?

Pregnant Mother: Lazarus.

Father: Oh yeah?

Pregnant Mother: Dude was a bad mofo. Hung with JC.

Father: Rose from the dead.

Pregnant Mother: Lazarus. Lazarus. How's that for our boy?

Father: I like the name. Lazarus. But it's a bit boring.

Pregnant Mother: Yeah.

Father: Shit needs zing.

SEC Name Of The Week: Feb. 12 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Name of the Week:

Zipp Duncan, OG, Kentucky Wildcats

There has to be a certain level of disappointment associated with naming your kid "Zipp," then finding out that Bill Curry wants him to gain 80 pounds and play guard in the SEC. Sort of like going with Louganis, then finding out that the little bastard is scared of the water and bangs chicks. And I just wanted him to butterfly!

SEC Name Of The Week: Jan. 28 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Name of the Week:

Forress Rayford, CB, Alabama Crimson Tide

As a product of semi-rural Georgia, I grew up among many kids named Jackson, Jefferson, and Lee (and one who notably had the middle name of Stonewall), but --shockingly, I know -- very few named Lincoln and Sherman. I prefer to think that these names are inoffensive, and more about regional pride than race, but feel free to disagree.

Forrest, on the other hand ... well, that's about race. You just don't name your child after the founder of the Klan if you don't hate brown people. I mean, do you give the family who names their kid "Adolf" a free pass because they "just thought it was a pretty name"?

Anyway, none of this is to imply that Forress or his parents are racists. "Forrest," after all, has a "t" and only one "s." Instead, Forress is living proof that the inability to spell names on a birth is not the sole province of uneducated minorities. Nor is playing cornerback in the SEC! With his name and position, Forress is a groundbreaking leader, shattering racial stereotypes left and right. Before long, white males will be dunking basketballs, riding camels, and doing math above grade level! Forress' parents likely didn't have a dream, because they were barely sentient mongoloids. But being descended from retards hasn't stopped this privileged white male from breaking the bonds of racism and attaining his rightful place in society -- not separate, simply equal.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you Forress Rayford, the first recipient of the annual CWATCF & Martin Luther King, Jr "We Shall Overcome" Award.

SEC Name Of The Week: Jan. 22 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Name of the Week:

Ramon Broadway, CB, Arkansas Razorbacks

Ramon is currently a third-team D-back for the Razorbacks, but you never know -- a strong offseason could lead to his name in lights! Seriously, the scary thing about this name is that it's the type you generally give yourself ... when you're strung out on meth and working the pole at a bar called "Meatslingers." As a public service, here's a quick naming guide that will help in determining your child's future in the performing arts:

Local Theater Actor: Gabriel Irving

Broadway: Oliver Platt

Male Hooker: Ramon Broadway

The above picture, unsurprisingly, is one of the first results on an image search for Ramon Broadway. I'm sure that Ramon mourns the loss of former coach Houston Nutt.

SEC Names Of The Week: National Championship Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will. Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Names of the Week:

After the Fiesta Bowl's exhibition of Dingle-Berry on national television, we're feeling a bit inadequate. This week's names both come from the only SEC team still playing, your LSU Tigers.

T-Bob Hebert, C

Due to its potpourri of culture and 49th-ranked education system, Louisiana is a target-rich environment for SEC NOTW ... and judging by the picture above, T-Bob is, um, an easy target. God bless the Cajuns.

Early Doucet, WR

For some reason this name doesn't seem particularly ridiculous at first glance. Then you realize that Early's mother chose to name her child an adverb.

Perhaps he was a preemie? I'm sure Early's teammate's mother is jealous.

SEC Names Of The Week: Dec. 17 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name of the Week:

Telly Concepcion, DB, Florida Gators

Oh, it must have taken his mum a fortnight to come up with a name for the lad, but a corking good one did she find. Aaaaaaaand that's really all the British slang I'm capable of, but it's irrelevant. Telly is not British; this name is retarded.

This is, of course, just an excuse to post this picture of Tim Tebow's Heisman Trophy:

Ah, Florida.

SEC West Name of the Week:
COMING SOON

SEC Names Of The Week: Nov. 26 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name(s) of the Week:

Brannan Southerland, FB, Georgia Bulldogs

Brannan is not a name.

Georgia's 240-lb. touchdown machine creates a new category of yuptard names. While most fall into the "stupid alternate spellings of traditional names" category, Brannan is something beautifully and uniquely fucked up.

"Brandon" is a name. "Brannon" is a girl-name. "Brannan" is neither ... yet both? Hopefully, this doesn't mean our favorite fullback is pulling a Jamie Lee Curtis.

Anyway, here's to the human equivalent of a Puggle. One can only hope that Brannan's parents will begin a blog in this vein.

So thank you, Brannan. If -- god forbid -- the wonders of modern-day birth control fail me and I knock some chick up, I'm going to name it Jiym.

SEC West Name of the Week:

Coming Soon

SEC Names Of The Week: Nov. 19 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name(s) of the Week:

Kyrus Lanxter, WR, Kentucky Wildcats

Note: All available pictures of Kyrus were too small, so we went with former teammate (and fellow name-winner) Sefo Mailau Blaylock. Sefo is no longer listed on the Kentucky roster; one can only assume he left to pursue weighty intellectual endeavors.

Kyrus, or "Superman" (as he's known around these parts), has performed at least two miracles in his young life:

1. Sandwiched an "X" between two consonants [Counting "Y" as a vowel, we're pretty sure this is a trailblazing moment in the history of the English language].


2. "Son of Michelle Ruckart, Tim Lanxter, and Pam Campbell." You figure that one out.

If we remember our Sunday School lessons correctly, this qualifies him for canonization by the Catholic Church.

SEC West Name of the Week:

Dexter McCluster, WR, Ole Miss Rebels

Ole Miss, under the patient tutelage of Sensei Ed Orgeron, has basically been a McClusterfuck. Saturday's loss to the chainsaw-endowed werewolf that is LSU leaves the Rebels at 0-7 in the SEC for the first time since 1982. Coach Zero has all of 3 SEC wins in his tenure in Oxford. Nevertheless, the Chancellor of Ole Miss is standing behind Coach Ogre! Give the man his time!

What a McClusterfuck.

SEC Names of the Week: Nov. 12 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name(s) of the Week:

Wondy Pierre-Louis, CB, Florida Gators

This year's winner of the Karibi Dede Award is the Gator's newly-minted starter. Wondy's inspiring personal story begins in his war-torn Haitian homeland, and blah blah blah this is what links are for. Anyway, that might have been enough to prevent us from mocking him, but for this little factoid:

-Learned English by watching the Disney Channel's "That's So Raven."

Which earns him our contempt. After all, "Hannah Montana" is a much better show. Wait, what? We didn't say that. And no Miley Cyrus jokes in the comments, please -- she's 15 14, people.

Anyway thanks to the Gators' star's parents for giving him such a Wondy-erful name (sorry).

SEC West Name of the Week:

Brandon Fanney, DL/LB Alabama Crimson Tide

Coolio, tired of living in a Gangsta's Paradise, is back with (1,2,3,4) Sumpin' New. He now plays TWO positions for the Alabama Crimson Tide while composing hit songs and sticking forks into electric sockets to achieve the perfect hairstyle. When shock therapy doesn't get his hair-rection hard enough, he just watches Notre Dame football.

Oh yeah, we almost forgot, his name means "ass" in kid-speak. In fact, co-name of the week Wondy Pierre-Louis probably calls his own ass a "fanny." Which is funny.

SEC Football Names of the Week: November 5

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name(s) of the Week:

Introducing: Foxy Foxworth, TE, South Carolina; and Court Courtright, FB, Tennessee

Today we have a double dip of dumb douchebags with nifty names. Today we have a double dip of dumb douchebags with nifty names. Oh, god, am I sorry about that. Anyway, both of this week's nom de morons come from the ever-reliable SEC East.

Court:

Foxy:

Today we feature two walking errors in judgment that raise one major question: which is worse?

1. Eugene "Foxy" Foxworth. Welcome to the land of poor decisions. "Eugene" is on the all-lame-name team, so there's some merit in the fact that he chose to go by a nickname. Con: Writes "Foxy" on checks.
   


2. Court Courtney. After exhaustive research spanning several half-minutes, we've decided that this is his actual name (if not, see above). If so, it's not surprising that a player short several chromosomes plays for Tennessee. Note: If this is a given name, "Court" has not exercised his constitutional right to a name change; do not feel sorry for him. Ed note: We sincerely hope his given name is Courtney Courtney.
   

The curious thing is that both of these alliterative assclowns have done something far stupider than their names would leave you to believe -- play college football as undersized, speed-deficient white boys. Both are non-scholarship walk-ons. Congratulations: you've won the opportunity pay your own tuition, never tailgate, and serve as a tackling dummy six days a week.

The only explanation is that both thought playing college football would translate to Tebow-quality poontang. Court and Foxy, meet ALCOHOL: same results, less pain.

And if you really want to score some premium pelt, learn to cook.