Eat, Pray, And Get Some Lovin: A Cook's Guide To The Ladies

Cooking gets a bum rap: it’s time consuming, it’s hard to learn, that fucking Rachel Ray is the most obnoxious being to ever walk the earth. What most guys fail to consider is the following.

Cooking dinner WILL get you laid.

Feeding a girl is the equivalent of a kindergarten student bringing his mother a hand-drawn picture of a cat. It may be a sloppy piece of crap smeared with goo, but the female brain processes it as a Picasso – it’s still getting nailed to the refrigerator door. Or the mattress, as the case may be.

Other benefits: you're already at home, so that eliminates Obstacle #1. Wine has a proven ability to get females really, really drunk. Hammered = easy. It’s also unbelievably cheap. Fancy dinners and event tickets – the staples of dating – can get expensive, and with today’s skyrocketing hooker prices, cooking dinner is likely the cheapest way of getting laid on the planet.

Each week, we’ll publish an idiot-proof recipe that’ll score you some ‘tang. In return, you’ll send us pictures of the classy ladies (which we’ll post) and let us know how you did. Note that this section is not for more accomplished chefs, but for morons who just want to convince ladies that they are accomplished chefs. Expect us to talk down to you.

Step 1: Trick a young lady into coming to your abode.

The preferred method?

Step 2: Buy ingredients.

Today, we’ll need the following ingredients:

Olive Oil
-Hopefully, you already have this. If not, buy a medium sized bottle of an inexpensive, extra-virgin variety.
28 oz. can of Diced Tomatoes
-Whole plum tomatoes taste even better – look for the “Italian Pomodoro” variety. Note that you will have to seed whole tomatoes before cooking by tearing open each tomato and scooping out the seed; this can be a time-consuming process. If pressed for time, you can use tomato puree instead.
1 head of Garlic
-No, garlic salt/powder is not an acceptable alternative. And if you don’t have a garlic press, now is the time to buy one.
1 stalk Celery 1 Carrot
1 Onion
-Yellow (Spanish/Vidalia) or White preferred. -Preferably around the size of your fist; if you end up with a huge one only use half.

Oregano and/or Thyme
-Dried or fresh is fine. Dried herbs are usually stronger than fresh.
Parsley Crushed Red Pepper Flakes. Salt. Pepper.
-Buy a pepper grinder. Most grocery stores carry plastic McCormick grinders for about three bucks.
Parmigiano-Reggiano Cheese.
-You can either buy a fist-sized chunk and grate the cheese yourself (preferred) or buy the pre-grated stuff that many grocery stores sell, which usually comes in a little plastic container. Do NOT buy anything that comes in a green cardboard shaker.
8 oz. Mozzarella Cheese.
-Pre-shredded is fine.
One pound Pasta
-For simple tomato sauce, linguini and penne are both great choices, but anything is fine.
Loaf of French Bread.
1 stick Butter.
Bottle(s) of wine.

Step 3: Cook

1. Preheat oven to 450. 2. Heat large pot of salted water over high heat. When it comes to a boil, add pasta and cook per directions on box. When finished, strain.
-Salt heavily, perhaps ¼ cup.
2. Meanwhile, dice the onion, celery, and carrot.
-Impress your lady by referring to this as the “mirepoix” . Explain to her that this is the base of almost all French cooking.
-When you dice something, it should be in pieces around the size of your pinkie nail.

3. Add oil and heat pan over medium-low heat.
-Use a good-sized pan (or even a dutch oven) to prevent splattering. Remember, you are adding a large can of tomatoes to it soon.
-You want enough olive oil to just cover the bottom of the pan.
-When a piece of onion sizzles in the bottom, you are ready to add the vegetables.

4. Add vegetables and a generous pinch of salt. Cook 5-7 minutes.
-Stir occasionally.
-Do not allow the vegetables to brown. Don’t be afraid to play with the heat to find the right temperature. You want a sort of gentle hiss, not a hard frying sound.
- You are “sweating” the vegetables so they soften and release their juices, NOT sautéing them.

5. Peel 3 cloves garlic. Use garlic press to add to vegetables. Stir. Cook an additional 2 min.
-Smashing the individual cloves is the easiest way to peel them.
6. Add tomatoes and juices. Add any dried herbs you are using. Add 1 tsp. crushed red pepper. Cook 20 minutes, stirring frequently.
-If using dried herbs, add about 2 teaspoons, the equivalent of two generous pinches.
7. Slice loaf of bread in half lengthwise. 8. Chop handful of parsley. 9. Spread butter and mozzarella cheese on both halves of bread.
-Soften butter in microwave. 10-15 seconds is usually sufficient.
10. Sprinkle with four pressed cloves of garlic. Sprinkle with half the parsley.
11. Put bread on baking sheet or tin foil, and place in oven. Bake ten minutes, or
until cheese bubbles and is completely melted.
12. If using fresh herbs, add to tomato sauce. Stir.

13. Taste sauce. Season with salt and pepper.
14. Add cooked pasta to sauce, and toss to coat.

15. Plate. Grate Parmigiano-Reggiano over the top, and spread with parsley.

Step 4:


bam bam said...

Don't you know that the Dean of Abita Springs Food Critics, Tom Fitzmorris says Italian tomatoes are no better than domestic ones?

You gotta get with the program if you wanna get in the ladies' pants.

Irons said...

Taste difference between Italian/domestic is negligible, but I think the product consistency is better when you buy a labeled variety. The Pomodoros are the most well known and widely available option.

Tom Fitzmorris is a cocksmoker.