#8: Les Miles, Louisiana State University Tigers
Ah, the man in the goofy white hat. Since early American westerns hit the silver screen, this sort of headwear has been a symbol of good. Of course, when it's a baseball cap, the bill is un-curved and the hat sits high on the forehead ... well, that’s a symbol for a chromosome deficiency.
Let’s just say that the expectations at LSU for the Les Miles era (and his 28-21 career coaching record prior to Tiger-dom) were less than high. Of course, the majority of fans and pundits failed to realize that Saban had left Les an NFL-ready roster. A monkey could have driven that ship, and drive the monkey did -- all the way to a 32-5 record.
After this year’s Florida-LSU game, some speculated that Les Miles was the second coming of Pete Carroll -- a daring swashbuckler of a coach willing to take risks. After the Auburn game, more or less everyone realized the truth:
Les Miles is a fucking idiot.
MADD has an entire lobbying organization focused on this type of individual: 1) Idiot drinks a few beers, worries about driving home, and does it anyway. Success! No cops! 2) Based on past experience, idiot now thinks he's invincible. Drinks until quite drunk -- but no worries, no problems -- he can do this! Success, success, success! Alcohol makes him concentrate better. He is the best drunk driver ever! 3) Tequila shots! Hell and yeah! Faster, faster! Nothing ever goes wrong! Let's push this baby to triple digits! Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!
So is Les Miles evil? Damn right he is. There's going to be a crash, LSU, and it's going to be ugly.
IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, LES MILES WOULD:
Knock back a bottle of Jack, then take his daughter and her Sunday School class on the ride of their lives.
#9: Ed Orgeron, Ole Miss Rebels
We're basing this rating primarily on 1) the fact that we can't understand a damn word he says and 2) some Ole Miss fans are convinced that he's the devil's agent, sent to destroy their football program. For lack of evidence, we place him here; rating subject to change in the event we learn his language.
So we're sorry, that's a lot of waffling. Regarding these ladies, however, we can definitively say that we would do evil things to (from the left) Woof!, If We Were Drunk, Hotty Toddy!, Gosh Almighty!.
IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, ED ORGERON WOULD:
"Shooiout thasssitwatamatawkinbaudt shooooeeenunrayeeeep afo dayeeeut foooeulmuh caoup isu impereeeusuive, bout eiouyyt ainiiiot geeet nooooouuuuu shieoeuyut ou me-yuh."