Mr. McFadden's No Good, Very Bad Day

MSNBC:

Reid, Turley and Lieb are among more than 800 customers who responded to the first wave of marketing for do-it-yourself DNA paternity tests sold as Identigene by Sorenson Genomics of Salt Lake City.

...

Results are reported online, by phone or by mail in three to five business days. They come back as a probability figure that verifies paternity with 98 percent to 99 percent accuracy, Watson said.

What?!?! Oh, shit.

You Can Thank Us Later, Coach Fulmer

Straight from YesButNoButYes.com's keyboard to Phil Fulmer's heart, we present to you [drumroll] Bacon-Flavored Vodka:

Makes up one pint.

• Fry up three strips of bacon
• Add cooked bacon to a clean pint sized mason jar. Trim the ends of the bacon if they are too tall to fit in the jar. Or you could go hog wild and just pile in a bunch of fried up bacon scraps.
• Optional: add crushed black peppercorns.
• Fill the jar up with vodka. Cap and place in a dark cupboard for at least three weeks.(No need to refrigerate)
• At the end of the three week resting period, place the bacon vodka in the freezer to solidify the fats. Strain out the fats through a coffee filter to yield a clear filtered pale yellow bacon vodka.
• Decant into decorative bottles and enjoy.

We're hearing new offensive coordinator Dave Rawson's duties include play calling, holding Phil's hair back, and fetching daddy's apple juice. Doesn't sound like much, but remember that he's got to fit all that in between Krispy Kreme runs.

SEC Name Of The Week: February 19 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Name of the Week:

Prechae Rodriguez, WR, Auburn Tigers

What. The. Hell.

Most strange names that we run across in our efforts at NOTW are variations of mainstream names. Examples from the Auburn football roster:

Zach = Zac
Aaron = Aairon
Trey = Tray
Cody = Kodi

Prechae, on the other hand, bears no relation to any known combination of letters found in the English language. How could something like this find its way onto a birth certificate?

1) Parents are learned classical scholars, and "Prechae" has some sort of Latin root.
2) His parents actually followed the monkeys-at-a-typewriter approach to naming children.
3) Most likely? Yes, his parents are retards, but at least they're creative retards.

Door, Meet Ass

Happy trails, Ryan -- hope to see you starting for Tulane in '09!

Again, we really want to know what happened ... please flood our inbox with speculation.

UPDATE: Now from reputable news sources!

Ryan Perrilloux, Gentleman Scholar: Part II

Our blog does two things quite well: 1) Bash Notre Dame and 2) Report unsubstantiated rumors as fact. This is a non-Notre Dame post.

You may remember our good friend and LSU quarterback Ryan Perriloux. Since joining the team, Ryan has been noted for his extensive community service, focus on academics, and high character federal money laundering and brandishing weaponry in public. This week, rumors are running wild that Perrilloux may have finally worn out his welcome in Baton Rouge:

Due to an ongoing dispute between Perrilloux's mother and LSU -- potentially stemming from Ryan's mother trying to shake down the school -- the projected starting quarterback has cleaned out his locker and left the team. Perrilloux reportedly missed a team meeting this week, but his absence is clouded by reports that Perrilloux was attending his father's funeral.

We hear that Ryan has a list of rules that he must follow in order to keep himself in good standing with Les Miles and the program (these presumably don't include anything about assault or counterfeiting). Supposedly he broke several of them this week, but what we don't know is which ones. Feel free to speculate in the comments.

Georgia State Legislature Has Its Priorities In Line

On Friday, the Georgia State House passed a resolution urging the NCAA to enact a football playoff.

"The only sensible way to determine a national champion in any sport is to develop a playoff system that allows teams to meet on the field," the resolution reads. "The fans of college football deserve a true national champion to be crowned after winning the title on the field of play and not in a popularity poll."

Mitt Romney: CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders. In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

Mitt Romney: 2007 Alabama Football

OK, so this is cheating a bit -- we're really comparing Romney to Saban rather than the Alabama team itself -- but hey, Nick Saban and Mitt Romney might be the two biggest snake oil salesmen in the country. Both have an undeniable record of past successes, but current circumstances preclude them from winning big this year.

1) I believe exactly what you prefer me to believe.

Who knows where these guys stand? Does Saban really hate Auburn? I mean, really hate Auburn? Sure, he can spout platitudes about Tide Pride with the best of 'em, but raise your hand if you think Saban wouldn't take over for Tuberville this minute if the Tigers dangled $4.5 million in front of his nose. Bama fans are right to be hesitant in fully embracing the man.

Likewise, does Mitt really have the xenophobic qualifications necessary to be the Republican nominee? Oh, he claims to hate the gays, though nobody's sure if he actually means it. Since he kicked off his campaign at the Henry Ford Museum, we're pretty sure he really hates the Jews. He's perfectly happy to persecute brown people if necessary ... but it's not a Tancredo-esque crusade for him.

And abortion? Oy. His views have "evolved."

2) Fine, I'll sleep with you, but only if you wear this paper bag.

Mitt's a soulless corporate raider (his entire candidacy is staked on the fact that this makes him a competent manager) an animal abuser, and -- oh my -- a former Massachusetts governor who approved state-sponsored health care.

Similarly, Alabama hired a less-than-friendly mercenary, and Bama fans would probably be happy to torture a dog or two these days. Did we mention that Saban's a Yankee, born and bred in the Northeast? And not The Bear?

3) Hey, is that an elephant in the corner?


Poll question idea for the Gallup operation in Alabama: If this was the Inquisition and you were on the rack, who would you vote for, a Mormon or an LSU Tiger? With a nod to Pat Buchanan, the likely answer: Keep turning the screws.

Saban is/was a Tiger. End of story. Likewise, no matter how many times the Mittster says he loves Jesus, he's going to be a tough sell to evangelical voters ... and everyone else, for that matter. Sooner or later, the Mormon religion will get a full vetting by Christian (and secular) voters, and it won't be pretty.

Here's what you're going to hear on the tee-vee: The Mormon church was founded in 1827 by Joseph Smith, a convicted con man (who spent his early years divining for water) who claimed to find golden tablets with messages from God. Joseph refused to show said tablets to anyone else, and after he transcribed them they "returned to God," i.e. disappeared. Joseph, and subsequent church leaders, claimed that God frequently granted them revelations. A surprising number of these involved granting those same leaders additional (and very young) wives.

Other problems? The LDS embraced polygamy (before it officially didn't, though many fundamentalist sects still embrace it), was an officially racist institution (until 1978!). According to Brigham Young, a church leader, having sex with black people would kill you on the spot (again, the church later changed their mind). Did I mention that they wear magic underwear? And were involved in one of the worst mass-murders ever on US soil?

*Ed. Note: We don't think Mormonism is objectively any crazier than Christianity. 200,000,000 people in this country believe that a long-haired hippie could magic water into wine, walk on water, and fly. Mormons just believe that similar things happened ... um ... in 1880.

Are these facts indicative of Romney's capacity to serve as President of the United States? Probably no more than Saban's Tiger ties are to Bama's success. But that doesn't mean they aren't relevant to the deep-seated opinions of fans and voters.

CWATCF Prediction

Regardless of your level of competency, it's damn difficult to overcome the average guy's perception of your past. Romney is smart, capable, and flush with campaign money. In a world void of abortion, gays, and the Religious Right he might make a decent president. But in an era where issue-voting is vitally important, it's difficult to see voters picking a guy with virtually no identifiable positions.

Mitt's big problem is Huckabee -- if evangelical voters have a viable alternative, he's probably toast. Huckabee, however, is a terrible candidate who will (given enough time) suffer from overexposure. If this happens early enough, Romney can win Iowa on Jan. 3 (and he'll likely take NH, too). He leads in Jan. 8's MI primary ... and could ride that momentum to a victory in SC the next week, obtaining an insurmountable lead.

Romney could be your nominee with a few breaks, but something akin to Saban's 6-6 year is more likely. Expect an incredibly embarrassing ULM-caliber defeat along the way.

Quick Note On Mercenaries

Rumors are flitting around that Saban may have contacted West Virginia about their vacancy.

No word on whether this isn't maybe not unverifiably true or not. We assume Saban is willing to leave for his customary Current Salary + $1 requirement.

Anyway, don't say we didn't warn you, Bama. Just be glad it isn't Auburn.

And Your Heisman Winner Is Jesus

Blah blah blah Jesus blah blah blah family blah blah blah Gators blah blah blah God blah blah blah I was almost aborted blah blah blah Gators blah blah blah Jesus.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Can we all agree that this speech would have been much more fun if Percy Harvin was giving it? Anyway, we're sick of this "Superman" crap that's been floating around -- the boy has a Heisman, and he needs a proper nickname. Let's see ... Gator quarterback ... rocket arm ... loves the Jesus .... BOOM:

The Non-Sex Cannon

In the grand tradition of Big Daddy Drew, we present you with a recap of Tebow's night, post-handshaking:

[click]

Is that Berman? I think he's talking about me on Sportscenter. You know what? I'm not going to watch it. Pride is an unforgivable sin.

[click]

Yeah, I see the sexy booty videos on BET. But the Lord would not approve. Lust is obviously a sin. I'm Heisman-Winner Tim Tebow. I can get through this.

[breathes deeply]

And, even if I can't do it alone, I bet I'll be able to with some help from my friend Jesus. Your gyrating apple-bottoms will not tempt me, because I am one with my savior. He makes my resolve strong.

[click]

What's that? An episode of I Love New York on VH1? Oh my. That's obscene.

[click]

Hints of cleavage on Gray's Anatomy? Sinful.

[click]

Scantily clad models on Project Runway? Sinful.

[click]

Sex and the City? Lindsey Lohan sinful.

[click]

This is my pursuit of oneness with The Big Man. You can't just expect Christ to fill you without denying yourself the fleshly pursuits. You can't go into it half-hearted. You gotta firmly tell that pliant, large-breasted young lady that Tebow is saving himself for marriage. You think sexing half the Gator cheer squad is going to get you past St. Peter? You're likely damned. That ain't the way the Lord mans the pearly gates. Tim Tebow's got the spirit of self-denial. The resolve. You gotta stick with JC.

[click]

Sherri Shepherd?

[furiously masturbates]

More Breaking News

Sorry to interrupt your Friday afternoon, but we just can't hold this exciting news in any longer! Sources tell CWATCF that Larry Fedora has accepted the Southern Miss head coaching job. This news is so hot that no one else will even touch it. IT BURNS! Oh yeah, Larry Fedora is in some sort of assistant role at Oklahoma State. The school that gave us this guy:

UPDATE: EVEN MORE BREAKING NEWS!

American Gladiators is BACK! And it will be hosted by Hulk Hogan and Muhammad Ali's son.

UPDATE (Irons):

1. Picture of Les "The Hat" Miles. New coach named "Fedora." Zero headwear jokes.

That's how much respect we have for you, dear readers.

2. Those of you outside the southeast might be a bit unfamiliar with Southern Miss. There are many good reasons for this, but we'll try to fill you in on what Coach Fedora has gotten himself into:

USM is located in Hattiesburg, a lovely cow town in the southern part of the state -- think Auburn, but with less charm. Over the years, the school has established itself as a solidly third-tier Mississippi academic option (which is an achievement on par with Minnesota's 0-8 record in Big Ten play). With the moderate success of their football program over the years, USM fans have become known for cheering their team on with class and dignity being ungodly low-rent assholes. You may know many of their alumni by name -- it's surprisingly easy, as the vast majority have it stitched on their work shirts. Of course, there are some famous ones as well, which are pretty representative of the school as a whole:

Drunks

Addicts

Whores

Good luck, Coach Beret Fedora!

UPDATE #3 (Irons):

Speaking of cow towns, Bacon gets an extension.

11 Most Evil SEC Coaches: Inconsiderate Bastards

Dear Meddlesome SEC Boosters, Trigger-Happy Athletic Directors, and Rabbit-Eared University Presidents,

This is for you:


You know what sucks? Yes, Ed Orgeron, but more to the point: coming up with a solid blog topic, having some success with it ... aaaaaaand then having half the coaches you've written about fired (in some way, shape or form -- let's not get into semantics). And this doesn't count the potential voluntary departures: Miles could still go to Michigan, Tuberville (extension or no) is a money-grubbing devil-spawn, and as we all know, Saban is available to anyone who can afford current salary + $1.

So screw you guys, we're on hiatus. We'll pick this up again when you're considerate enough to stop canning people's asses.

Except Fulmer. You can fire Fulmer anytime.

SEC Names Of The Week: Dec. 3 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name of the Week:

Andre' Woodson, QB, Kentucky Wildcats

Bad mo'fo' and future high NFL draft pick Andre' has either an apostrophe or an accent on the "e" in his last name, which leaves us with two options:

1. The second half of his name is invisible.
2. We are all pronouncing his name incorrectly.
   

Discuss.

SEC West Name of the Week:

De'Mon Glanton, DB, Mississippi State Bulldogs



Young son: "Mommy, did you and Daddy plan to have me, or was I an accident?"
Mother: "Sweetheart, we named you after a minion of Satan, so what do you think? Now go play with your brother Lou'Cypher and your sister Antee'Crist."

10 Ruminations On Chaos And Idiocy: Ohio State-LSU It Is

Glad to see that the intra-blog taunting has begun. Thanks, guys. One of the saddest moments a person can feel in life is realizing that the people you choose to spend your time with are huge assholes and you hate them very much.

Anyway, I think there are a few points that should be addressed:

1. The BCS system objectively sucks. This evening, actual Mark May quote: "I think that these teams [in the BCS championship] are two of the best in the nation." Slip of the tongue or no, the man makes a valid point. They are two of the best. The two best? Hell if I know. Can someone rationally explain to me why the winner of this game should have any greater claim to call themselves Champion than the winner of Va. Tech-Kansas? Or even USC-West Fucking Virginia?

2. Mark Richt's comments about the BCS rules are dead-on. To play in the national championship, there is currently no requirement that a team play in its conference title game. That said, there probably should be. But A) that's not the system we have and B) the conferences have incredibly different modes of crowning a champion. The fact that the Big Ten doesn't have a championship game is manifestly unfair. Last year, for example, Ohio State missed a scorching-hot Wisconsin team in the regular season. That's ... ah ... what's the word ... bullshit. Every conference needs a championship game, or no conference should have one. Letting some Big Ten/Pac 10 team backdoor the BCS Championship every year is freaking retarded.

3. The influence the talking heads have on the process is absurd. Pollsters: wake up, watch the damn games, and make up your own mind. Or turn in your voting privileges. One or the other. Listening to Herbstreit et al. blather on last night about how Ohio State and LSU were locks for the game. Be honest: how many voters filled out their ballots based on his statements alone?

A large part of this is a fourth wall problem. Somehow, we still attach an incredible amount of importance to the arbitrary, often-ill considered opinions of the ESPN morons -- even while having, thanks to the internet, a wealth of analytical tools at our disposal that should allow us to make decisions that are better informed and far more intelligent. Baseball fans went through this a decade or so ago, when stat nerds (starting with Bill James) and everyday bloggers helped us realize that we knew as much about baseball as the average GM. But guess what? Change is slow. We still have Dusty Baker decrying high-OBP guys as "clogging up the bases" and idiot GMs like Ed Wade sign sub-.700 OPS guys like Kaz Matsui to 3-year, $16.5 million contracts. But change is coming.

Football can roll in the same direction. We may not be able to break the game down statistically to the degree of MLB, but you know what? I'm willing to bet that most of us watch a damn sight more football than half the analysts, and I'm pretty sure my IQ exceeds Herbstreit's by a power of three.

4. Look, I don't think the Dawgs should be playing in the NC. This is a young team that far exceeded middling expectations and put together one hell of a season. That they're going to a BCS bowl would have been unthinkable in mid-October, but they gelled, found a running back, and have a great foundation laid for next year. Two losses, though -- a close one to South Carolina and a blowout of epic proportions to Tennessee (don't let the 35-14 final score fool you; it was an ass-kicking) disqualify you ... in a normal year. This year? Weeeeeeeeeeeeell:

5. LSU should go. Here are their victories, roughly ranked from best to worst (ranks are BCS, losses are red):

#3 Virginia Tech	11-2
#12 Florida	9-3
#16 Tennessee	9-4
#23 Auburn	8-4
#27 Arkansas	8-4
Kentucky	7-5
South Carolina	6-6
Mississippi State	7-5
Alabama	6-6
Middle Tennessee	5-7
Mississippi	3-9
Tulane	4-8
Louisiana Tech	5-7

They got beat by a smoking-hot Woodson and Superman himself ... and the two losses took a combined 6 overtimes. Combined with the great four wins and incredible depth of schedule (7 solidly tough games) they're as worthy a 2-loss national championship team as there ever will be.

6. And here's Georgia:

#12 Florida	9-3
#16 Tennessee	9-4
#23 Auburn	8-4
#38 Kentucky	7-5
Georgia Tech	7-5
South Carolina	6-6
Oklahoma State	6-6
Alabama	6-6
Troy	8-4
Vanderbilt	5-7
Mississippi	3-9
Western Carolina	1-10

Similar to LSU in depth of schedule (8-9 solid games), but the marquee Va. Tech-quality win isn't there. The losses aren't terrible, but they're not ones you can write off, either.

7. Oklahoma:

#6 Missouri	11-2
#6 Missouri	11-2
#19 Texas	9-3
Texas Tech	8-4
Texas A&M	7-5
Tulsa	9-4
Oklahoma State	6-6
Colorado	6-6
Miami (FL)	5-7
Baylor	3-9
Iowa State	3-9
Utah State	2-10
North Texas	2-10

Not nearly as much depth as the UGA schedule, but the big-time wins are there over Mizzou. If, that is, you think Missouri is a killer. I happen to believe in the Tigers, but I don't think the Sooners played another team worth a damn. Be honest: what does Tennessee, Auburn, Kentucky, or Arkansas do in the Big 12? I'm not sold, but if you want to make a case for this team, I'd listen.

8. Ohio State

#13 Illinois	9-3
#18 Wisconsin	9-3
Michigan	8-4
Penn State	8-4
Purdue	7-5
Michigan State	7-5
Washington	4-9
Northwestern	6-6
Kent State	3-9
Akron	4-8
Youngstown State	N/A
Minnesota	1-11

Ugh. Who did they beat? No, seriously -- who? The best win I can see is over Wisconsin, a solidly middle-of-the-pack team (do any of you gambling-minded folks really think they'll be favored over Arkansas in the Capitol One Bowl?). The next is over Michigan, they of the embarrassing Div. 1-AA loss. Out of conference games included a struggling Washington team and three Powder Puff teams (to be fair, their in-conference schedule included three Powder Puff teams, too). At the end of the day, this is nothing more than a boringly efficient team in a pathetic conference. They were never tested, save at Illinois ... which they failed.

Ask yourself this: with this schedule, is there any way this team could have lost more than one game? Does Tennessee lose a game with this schedule? Is LSU even pushed? There are at least 15 teams in the country who I could see going 11-1 playing this slate of games, and at least 10 who'd have even-money odds of running the table.

Both Georgia and Oklahoma are more deserving.

9. But it's Ohio State-LSU. 41-14 redux.

10. And at times like this, when all is lost and the world smells like Mangino, all we have to comfort our downtrodden souls is spite:

Even A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day

So everyone agrees that the BCS is terrible.

But the blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then.

So now that we've put everything in perspective. I say "bravo" to the BCS. It's an awful system that makes no sense whatsoever, but it made the right choice. The two tops teams in the nation will indeed play for the title. The fans of LSU graciously offer any other teams to swing from Les' sack whenever UGA is finished down there.

Would someone please take Old Yeller Uga out behind woodshed already?
It's the humane thing to do.

Dear Pollsters:

This is for you:

Any other week, we'd be #2 right now.

Wooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! National Championship!!!!!

Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof ... [gasp] ... woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof ... [wheeze] ... woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof ... [oh god] ... woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh wow. So many people to thank here: Mark "Football Jesus" Richt for getting in tough with his dark side; God, of course, who contrary to earlier posting, is apparently not dead; Pat White's pansy ass; Bobby Stoops for continuing to win games at Oklahoma, not Florida; Les Miles and his chromosome deficiency; Fatty McLardass, Tedford, and the rest of the boys; and of course, the hairy dog himself:


Oh, and Jim Tressel?

41-14.

Schadenfreude: SEC Championship Edition

My, how we hate Phil "Bacon" Fulmer.


Our feelings are best expressed in haiku form:

21-14
won't get the fat man fired
God is clearly dead

orange douches lose
Krispy Kreme workers beware
lardass on the loose

role reversals are
ironic; LSU says
Ainge, squeal like a pig

the Knoxville night air
smells of stale powdered sugar
bacon and defeat

Busted Nutt?

Introducing pictures of Houston Nutt's daughter, Hanna:


Here's the thing: Hanna dearest (left) is certainly not a prized commodity on your typical SEC campus, where smokin' hotties dance on every quad, fake breasts bounce on every corner, and eating is for lepers. But hey, she at least appears to be rocking an okay body and a passable face, right?

I mean, you wouldn't necessarily need to use a paper bag ... just turn off the lights, right? And her friend sorta looks like a chunky version of LC from The Hills, so that's something.

But there's one problem, and we've all seen it before. She's afflicted with "Looks too much like Daddy/Brother disease."

Just imagine looking down and seeing this with your dick in its mouth:

SEC Names Of The Week: Nov. 26 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name(s) of the Week:

Brannan Southerland, FB, Georgia Bulldogs

Brannan is not a name.

Georgia's 240-lb. touchdown machine creates a new category of yuptard names. While most fall into the "stupid alternate spellings of traditional names" category, Brannan is something beautifully and uniquely fucked up.

"Brandon" is a name. "Brannon" is a girl-name. "Brannan" is neither ... yet both? Hopefully, this doesn't mean our favorite fullback is pulling a Jamie Lee Curtis.

Anyway, here's to the human equivalent of a Puggle. One can only hope that Brannan's parents will begin a blog in this vein.

So thank you, Brannan. If -- god forbid -- the wonders of modern-day birth control fail me and I knock some chick up, I'm going to name it Jiym.

SEC West Name of the Week:

Coming Soon

Les Miles, Drunk Driver

We warned you, LSU. The man was reckless, stupid, and the odds finally caught up with him. Now, the inevitable wreck is upon us.

Les, you hurt a lot of people last night.

Due to Thanksgiving, we missed the Friday food post. To make up for it, we offer you a cocktail recipe:

The Les Miles
-6 oz. Bourbon
-2 Pepcid AC

Place bourbon in a tall glass. Take Pepcid. Email influential Michigan booster, telling him what a good fit Les Miles would be for his program.