Oops, I Crapped My Pants

(click pic for hi-res)

For those of you who are not up to date on this story, it appears that at a tailgate for the BCS National Championship game, an AOPi from the University of Florida ... weeeelll:

Received via third-hand email: "My friend saw this girl squatting near his tailgate for the [national championship] game [Thursday] night and thought she was just pissing until she stood up and came over to talk to them. That's when they noticed..." [ed. note: doody]

For reasons of common decency, Georgia Sports Blog later took down the pictures, which were printed in redacted format at Every Day Should Be Saturday and Deadspin (wow, this girl's life is toast). Fortunately, this blog suffers from no such constraints, but we have yet to get our hands on an unedited picture (hint, hint).

Now comes the investigation. Who is she? Where are her sketchy Facebook pics? Only you, dear readers, can help. We'll get you started with the UF AOPi website. Onward!

(does a bear shit in the parking lot?)

We're pretty sure the only thing that can save this chick now is a face transplant, and she'll doubtless be getting the boot from her chapter. Regardless, the girls are going to have to suffer through years of "Alpha Omicron Pi is such a shitty sorority" jokes.

CWATCF Merchandise: Class Is For Gators

Hey, is that a Panderbear I see (yes, we will sacrifice our team loyalties in the name of apparel sales)? It seems FSU players aren't pursuing their studies with the honesty and non-cheatiness required by the overlords at the NCAA. As a result, it appears that their towel boys will be starting in the Gaylord Music City Bowl (seriously -- they're going to suspend 20+ 'Noles, and that's actually the bowl name).

Yeah, we all know Florida players don't actually go to class, either, but it's always fun to poke your rival with a sharp stick. With Spurrier no longer around to coin vicious slogans, CWATCF does its best to pick up the slack.

As always, this comes in an array of styles and sizes, including thongs and maternity wear. Click on the image to buy, or go here for the CWATCF Store.

SEC Names Of The Week: Dec. 17 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name of the Week:

Telly Concepcion, DB, Florida Gators

Oh, it must have taken his mum a fortnight to come up with a name for the lad, but a corking good one did she find. Aaaaaaaand that's really all the British slang I'm capable of, but it's irrelevant. Telly is not British; this name is retarded.

This is, of course, just an excuse to post this picture of Tim Tebow's Heisman Trophy:

Ah, Florida.

SEC West Name of the Week:
COMING SOON

And Your Heisman Winner Is Jesus

Blah blah blah Jesus blah blah blah family blah blah blah Gators blah blah blah God blah blah blah I was almost aborted blah blah blah Gators blah blah blah Jesus.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Can we all agree that this speech would have been much more fun if Percy Harvin was giving it? Anyway, we're sick of this "Superman" crap that's been floating around -- the boy has a Heisman, and he needs a proper nickname. Let's see ... Gator quarterback ... rocket arm ... loves the Jesus .... BOOM:

The Non-Sex Cannon

In the grand tradition of Big Daddy Drew, we present you with a recap of Tebow's night, post-handshaking:

[click]

Is that Berman? I think he's talking about me on Sportscenter. You know what? I'm not going to watch it. Pride is an unforgivable sin.

[click]

Yeah, I see the sexy booty videos on BET. But the Lord would not approve. Lust is obviously a sin. I'm Heisman-Winner Tim Tebow. I can get through this.

[breathes deeply]

And, even if I can't do it alone, I bet I'll be able to with some help from my friend Jesus. Your gyrating apple-bottoms will not tempt me, because I am one with my savior. He makes my resolve strong.

[click]

What's that? An episode of I Love New York on VH1? Oh my. That's obscene.

[click]

Hints of cleavage on Gray's Anatomy? Sinful.

[click]

Scantily clad models on Project Runway? Sinful.

[click]

Sex and the City? Lindsey Lohan sinful.

[click]

This is my pursuit of oneness with The Big Man. You can't just expect Christ to fill you without denying yourself the fleshly pursuits. You can't go into it half-hearted. You gotta firmly tell that pliant, large-breasted young lady that Tebow is saving himself for marriage. You think sexing half the Gator cheer squad is going to get you past St. Peter? You're likely damned. That ain't the way the Lord mans the pearly gates. Tim Tebow's got the spirit of self-denial. The resolve. You gotta stick with JC.

[click]

Sherri Shepherd?

[furiously masturbates]