And Your Heisman Winner Is Jesus

Blah blah blah Jesus blah blah blah family blah blah blah Gators blah blah blah God blah blah blah I was almost aborted blah blah blah Gators blah blah blah Jesus.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Can we all agree that this speech would have been much more fun if Percy Harvin was giving it? Anyway, we're sick of this "Superman" crap that's been floating around -- the boy has a Heisman, and he needs a proper nickname. Let's see ... Gator quarterback ... rocket arm ... loves the Jesus .... BOOM:

The Non-Sex Cannon

In the grand tradition of Big Daddy Drew, we present you with a recap of Tebow's night, post-handshaking:


Is that Berman? I think he's talking about me on Sportscenter. You know what? I'm not going to watch it. Pride is an unforgivable sin.


Yeah, I see the sexy booty videos on BET. But the Lord would not approve. Lust is obviously a sin. I'm Heisman-Winner Tim Tebow. I can get through this.

[breathes deeply]

And, even if I can't do it alone, I bet I'll be able to with some help from my friend Jesus. Your gyrating apple-bottoms will not tempt me, because I am one with my savior. He makes my resolve strong.


What's that? An episode of I Love New York on VH1? Oh my. That's obscene.


Hints of cleavage on Gray's Anatomy? Sinful.


Scantily clad models on Project Runway? Sinful.


Sex and the City? Lindsey Lohan sinful.


This is my pursuit of oneness with The Big Man. You can't just expect Christ to fill you without denying yourself the fleshly pursuits. You can't go into it half-hearted. You gotta firmly tell that pliant, large-breasted young lady that Tebow is saving himself for marriage. You think sexing half the Gator cheer squad is going to get you past St. Peter? You're likely damned. That ain't the way the Lord mans the pearly gates. Tim Tebow's got the spirit of self-denial. The resolve. You gotta stick with JC.


Sherri Shepherd?

[furiously masturbates]


Anonymous said...

Someone is clearly on the expressway to hell.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you're a fag.

Irons said...

The shocking thing is that it's taken us three entire months to get hate mail.

My prediction would have been something like seven minutes.


Satan said...

Tim Tebow is my boy!

Double K said...

Wow, Irons. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were right there on the front row at the presentation...

Irons said...

I'm glad to see the Dark Lord is now posting comments. Sir, I will offer you Anderson's soul in exchange for a particularly sweet inventory-financing deal.

Irons said...

And Double K, I could have told you what the speech was going to be months (years?) ago. It's like there's a conspiracy to not give the Heisman to anyone interesting. Can you imagine D-Mac's acceptance speech?

"I got yo wood! I got yo wood right here! Ha-ha! Yeaaaaaaah, bitches."