Eat, Pray, And Get Some Lovin': Dec. 14 Edition

Each week, we’ll publish an idiot-proof recipe that’ll score you some ‘tang. In return, you’ll send us pictures of the classy ladies (which we’ll post) and let us know how you did. Note that this section is not for more accomplished chefs, but for morons who just want to convince ladies that they are accomplished chefs. Expect us to talk down to you.

For an overview of Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin', go here.

Step 1: Trick a young lady into coming to your abode.

Method of the week:

Step 2: Buy and prep ingredients for White Vegetarian Chili

If you're cooking fancy French cuisine for dinner, you can almost always find a restaurant to do it better (for a price, of course). Not so with chili, the ultimate home cooking masterpiece. It's eminently flexible, so it can be halved (this recipe will give you leftovers), added to, or made without meat. "I've had a long week, and I just want to rent a movie, make comfort food, and spend time with you (see Step 4)." Anyway, the important thing here is to use a number of different kinds of chilis to get a pleasing, not-too-hot flavor.

6 cans (15.oz.) Cannellini Beans

-These are just white kidney beans, and the color is the only distinguishing factor. If you can't find them, just by "light red" kidney beans, "dark red," or a mix.
-Open cans and drain beans of their juices.
28 oz. can crushed Tomatoes.
-Drain tomatoes of their juices through a strainer.
-Add drained tomatoes to your largest roasting pan.
4 cups Chicken Stock
-Available in the soup aisle, generally in a yellow box.
-Warm stock, either over the stove or by placing in a bowl, then microwaving.
2 Poblano Chilis
-These should be near the jalapenos, and should look like skinnier bell peppers.

-If you like things rather mild, use only one. Poblanos aren't oppressively hot, but this is a personal choice thing.
-Don't touch your eyes after handling. It's called capsaicin, and it'll f'ing hurt.
-Dice 1 chili, cut the other into 1/2" chunks.
-Add chunks to roasting pan.
1 Red or Yellow Bell Pepper
-Dice half, and cut the rest into 3/4" chunks.
-Remember, morons, when cutting a pepper, remove the seeds from the inside.
-Add chunks to roasting pan.
1.5 Yellow Onions
-Dice half onion, chop whole onion into 3/4" chunks.
-Add chunks to roasting pan.

2 ears Corn
-Run your blade down the sides of the ears to separate the kernels.
-Add to roasting pan.
4 Cloves Garlic
-Hopefully, you own a garlic press at this point. Otherwise, mince.
1.5 tbs Pasilla Chili Powder
-Sweet-flavored, mild chili that balances the rest out.
1.5 tbs Ancho Chili Powder
-Smoky-flavored, still rather mild chili that adds a ton of flavor.
2 tsp. Chipotle Chili Powder
-Usually has a kick, so be careful not to overdo it. Taste before adding more.
Pinch Dried/Fresh Thyme


-Be generous with the pepper.
Sour Cream Monterey Jack

If you have mushrooms or zucchini laying around the house, put them in the chili pot -- uncooked -- when you take the roasting pan out of the oven.

Step 3: Cook

1. Preheat broiler.

2. ROASTING PAN: Add all chunked vegetables along with drained tomatoes. Sprinkle generously with all three kinds of chili powder (do not subtract from above amount), salt, and pepper. Drizzle several tablespoons of olive oil over the vegetables and stir to combine. Put under broiler. Check and stir every five minutes; do not let vegetables burn. You want vegetables to singe just a bit; this should take about 20 minutes (maybe more; depends on broiler). Remove pan from oven.

3. LARGE POT/DUTCH OVEN: Add a couple of tablespoons of olive oil over medium-low heat. When pan starts to warm, add onion, pepper, and a good pinch of salt; stir. Adjust heat if necessary; you do not want onions to brown. After 7 minutes, add the garlic and stir. 1 minute later, add the beans and warm stock. The mixture should be soupy. Bring to a simmer and cook for 25 minutes. Mixture should begin to thicken; crush some beans against the side of the pot with your spatula to help the process along. Add contents of roasting pan (including liquids released) to pot. Stir.

4. Determining whether your chili is finished is simple -- does it look like chili? In the event your mixture is still soupy, raise the heat to medium to reduce it to chili form. If you need to delay dinner (due to Step 4?) and your chili looks a little dry, add some more liquid in the form of stock or water and turn the temperature to low. This is impossible to screw up.

5. Garnish with sour cream and grated cheese.

Step 4:


bam bam said...

If you are serving vegetarian chili to a comely young lass, she will rightfully peg you as a gianormous pussy and won't give you any. God, if I were John Belushi, I would smash your guitar right about now.

Irons said...

I suppose I should make some comment along the lines of "first she eats her vegetables, then she gets the meat," but I'm just too tired.

Anyway, something like 7-10% of the ladies are vegetarians, so it pays to be prepared.

bam bam said...

I dated a vegetarian chick once............ Once.

Irons said...

If nothing else, they're cheap dates.