The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.
Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.
For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.
SEC East Name of the Week:
Andre' Woodson, QB, Kentucky Wildcats
Bad mo'fo' and future high NFL draft pick Andre' has either an apostrophe or an accent on the "e" in his last name, which leaves us with two options:
- The second half of his name is invisible.
- We are all pronouncing his name incorrectly.
SEC West Name of the Week:
De'Mon Glanton, DB, Mississippi State Bulldogs
Young son: "Mommy, did you and Daddy plan to have me, or was I an accident?"
Mother: "Sweetheart, we named you after a minion of Satan, so what do you think? Now go play with your brother Lou'Cypher and your sister Antee'Crist."