Birthday Wishes And Some Other Crap

We'd like to extend some very happy birthday wishes to CWATCF co-proprietor Anderson.


We sincerely hope that Anderson gets to enjoy the company of someone as smokin' hot as the lovely Mia. Remember to tip well, Anderson, and please teach her how to use a belt properly.

1. We are obsessed with this site. We've been sending greeting cards nonstop for three days.

2. Did McCain put his wrinkled, limp old man penis in this lobbyist? Probably, but only because his wife was stoned out of her gourd on painkillers ... that takes all the sport out of sex.

3. Yahoo Sports (via the Wiz) confirms what we have all long known: Tressel and Weis are giant cheaty-pants.

4. Alabama superstud recruit Julio Jones is the star witness in a murder trial ... that can't be good, right?

More Breaking News

Sorry to interrupt your Friday afternoon, but we just can't hold this exciting news in any longer! Sources tell CWATCF that Larry Fedora has accepted the Southern Miss head coaching job. This news is so hot that no one else will even touch it. IT BURNS! Oh yeah, Larry Fedora is in some sort of assistant role at Oklahoma State. The school that gave us this guy:

UPDATE: EVEN MORE BREAKING NEWS!

American Gladiators is BACK! And it will be hosted by Hulk Hogan and Muhammad Ali's son.

UPDATE (Irons):

1. Picture of Les "The Hat" Miles. New coach named "Fedora." Zero headwear jokes.

That's how much respect we have for you, dear readers.

2. Those of you outside the southeast might be a bit unfamiliar with Southern Miss. There are many good reasons for this, but we'll try to fill you in on what Coach Fedora has gotten himself into:

USM is located in Hattiesburg, a lovely cow town in the southern part of the state -- think Auburn, but with less charm. Over the years, the school has established itself as a solidly third-tier Mississippi academic option (which is an achievement on par with Minnesota's 0-8 record in Big Ten play). With the moderate success of their football program over the years, USM fans have become known for cheering their team on with class and dignity being ungodly low-rent assholes. You may know many of their alumni by name -- it's surprisingly easy, as the vast majority have it stitched on their work shirts. Of course, there are some famous ones as well, which are pretty representative of the school as a whole:

Drunks

Addicts

Whores

Good luck, Coach Beret Fedora!

UPDATE #3 (Irons):

Speaking of cow towns, Bacon gets an extension.

Where You Can Go, And What You Can Do With Yourself: Dec. 5

Each Wednesday, we'll provide you with gratuitous pictures of breasts, links to our favorite stuff, and a rundown of posting for the next week. No other blog does this, and we feel like we're filling a void.

Email us with your tips at cwatcf@gmail.com, and we'll post 'em right up.

Gigi enjoys covering her nipples. Because as long as you do that, you're a model. NOT a pornstar, DAD!


BLOG SCHEDULE

Friday: Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin'
Monday: SEC Names of The Week: Dec. 10 Edition
Wednesday: Irons' Weekly Rant.

STUFF YOU SHOULD READ

"What we want them to do is present themselves as a rose to their husband with no blemishes."
Purity Balls are the hot new place to cruise for easy, non-herpes-ridden naive chicks. And to hear creepy lines like "At the next [ball], her father gave her a pearl necklace." Those wacky evangelicals!

Sherri Shepherd, the Charlie Weis of daytime talk shows.



She also thinks the world is flat. Seriously. Funny thing is, this is proof that Barbara Walters -- not Sherri Shepherd -- is the dumbest human being alive. Had The View kept Rosie, it would probably be the single greatest show in the history of television.

THINGS WE HATE (updated weekly)

1. Weather update cut-ins during football games.
2. Herbstreit. He kicked off Championship Saturday with wildly inaccurate and potentially damaging comments about LSU, and proceeded to announce one of the worst games in the history of awful announcing: "And the Pitt Steelers have the ball on WVU's 30 ..."
3. The NFL Network. Seriously, drop it already.


THINGS WE LOVE (updated weekly)

1. God raining bear-maulings on the hataz.
2. Joe Gibbs, memorializing Sean Taylor by shooting himself in the foot. RIP, Sean!
3. Charlie Weis joining the Committee for People With Intellectual Disabilities.

SEC Names Of The Week: Dec. 3 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name of the Week:

Andre' Woodson, QB, Kentucky Wildcats

Bad mo'fo' and future high NFL draft pick Andre' has either an apostrophe or an accent on the "e" in his last name, which leaves us with two options:

1. The second half of his name is invisible.
2. We are all pronouncing his name incorrectly.
   

Discuss.

SEC West Name of the Week:

De'Mon Glanton, DB, Mississippi State Bulldogs



Young son: "Mommy, did you and Daddy plan to have me, or was I an accident?"
Mother: "Sweetheart, we named you after a minion of Satan, so what do you think? Now go play with your brother Lou'Cypher and your sister Antee'Crist."

Even A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day

So everyone agrees that the BCS is terrible.

But the blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then.

So now that we've put everything in perspective. I say "bravo" to the BCS. It's an awful system that makes no sense whatsoever, but it made the right choice. The two tops teams in the nation will indeed play for the title. The fans of LSU graciously offer any other teams to swing from Les' sack whenever UGA is finished down there.

Would someone please take Old Yeller Uga out behind woodshed already?
It's the humane thing to do.

Where You Can Go, And What You Can Do With Yourself: Nov. 28

Each Wednesday, we'll provide you with gratuitous pictures of breasts, links to our favorite stuff, and a rundown of posting for the next week. No other blog does this, and we feel like we're filling a void.

Email us with your tips at cwatcf@gmail.com, and we'll post 'em right up.

BLOG SCHEDULE

Friday: Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin'
Monday: SEC Names of The Week: Dec. 3 Edition
Wednesday: The 11 Most Evil SEC College Football Coaches is going on hiatus. Irons explains why and who is to blame. You know who you are, and you will pay dearly.

Nothing like a hot chick in LSU colors. Here, kitty-kitty.

STUFF YOU SHOULD READ

A jury of your shitfaced peers.
So you're into the whole jury-duty thing, but you don't want to stay sober during the trial? Tennessee wants you.

Carl explains why the BCS sucks.

A visual representation of how the SEC works:

That's right Arkansas, now you'll get what's coming to you.

THINGS WE HATE (updated weekly)

1. Creationists. I want to believe.
2. Sean Taylor's death. You make over $10 million between 2004-2006 and you don't hire a security guard when someone leaves a knife on your pillow? (Also see: Things We Love #3).
3. Failed NFL coaches coming back to NCAA.

THINGS WE LOVE (updated weekly)

1. Rice's Marching Owl Band.
2. Top 25 Drinking Quotes.
3. Joe Gibbs's Cynicism in drafting LaRon Landry.

Where You Can Go, And What You Can Do With Yourself: Nov. 14

Each Wednesday, we'll provide you with gratuitous pictures of breasts, links to our favorite stuff, and a rundown of posting for the next week. No other blog does this, and we feel like we're filling a void.

Email us with your tips at cwatcf@gmail.com, and we'll post 'em right up.

BLOG SCHEDULE

Friday: Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin'
Monday: SEC Names of The Week: Nov. 19 Edition
Wednesday: The 11 Most Evil SEC College Football Coaches: #5 and #6

Yeah, we're 30 now. And no, we still haven't graduated.

STUFF YOU SHOULD READ

The ratings are in!
Who needs fall anyway? Your AC or heater must be on at all times.

Who cares if it's true?
Ditka = God.

Frank Caliendo vs. Charles Barkey
Who will win?

THINGS WE HATE (updated weekly)

She just likes the trunk.
Paris, the pink elephant in the corner isn't real.

No one cares anymore.
Apparently Herbstreit thinks that the Ohio State v. Michigan game is the greatest rivalry in all sports. Good thing no one else does.

Time to buy new lawn furniture.
But where will the Tennessee fans watch the game on Saturdays?

THINGS WE LOVE (updated weekly)

No thanks, we'll take our chances on the Bulldogs.
Well, if you were that thirsty, you would have prayed a lot harder.

Recycled condoms?
Looks great, keeps the hair nice and shiny.

Who gave Verne the bottle of scotch before halftime?
At least they cut the camera before he broke out the centipede.

What do you expect from a conference that can't count past ten?
At least they bring in their first-string officials when it counts.

Notre Dame v. Air Force: Saturday Live Gloating

5:16 (Irons): Mercifully, this one is over. Final score 41-24. On the bright side, ND's 58 yards rushing beats their season average.
5:14 (Anderson): The Irish Faithful (his name is Steve) still hoping for a last minute, 17-point comeback.
5:11 (Irons): And Air Force rubs it in a bit -- 41-24.
5:05 (Anderson): Local Southbend buffets on Defcon-4 status as the Irish close in on their ninth loss, expect Weis to replace the sadness in his heart with cholesterol.
5:02 (Irons): Proof that the NBC announcers aren't at all biased: "If you're Notre Dame, you're probably a little disappointed in the running game."
5:01 (Anderson): Weis appears to be unhappy with the chain measurement system, demands use of more "official" chicago-style pizza box.
4:56 (Irons): Navy, who squeaked by the Fightin' Irish last week, has given up 49 points this Saturday. In the first half. To North Texas.
4:55 (Anderson): ND special teams are as impressive as ever.
4:51 (Irons): Swing pass by Emu ... TD. And ND is partying like it's 1984. 34-24, Air Force.
4:50 (Anderson): I wonder how much it cost Notre Dame to put green t-shirts on all the homeless people that live in their stadium before the game started?
4:43 (Irons): On the bright side, Weis has done an excellent job conserving his time outs.
4:42 (Irons): Oh. My. Emu sacked by entire Air Force team. 6.
4:38 (Irons): FG, Air Force. 34-17.
4:35 (Anderson): Notre Dame's Emu retakes the passing lead over Air Force's option quarterback by a slim margin. AF is still outrushing the Irish by roughly three miles.
4:31 (Anderson): Air Force might need to put the second string back in (third string currently playing) to insure that they cover the spread. For the record, Air Force came into this game favored by 3.5 points.
4:25 (Irons): Meaningless TD pass, Emu. 31-17.
4:24 (Irons): Emu sacked by undersized Air Force defender. Again. This makes 5 for the day and a whopping 50 for the year. There are tackling dummies that do a better job of blocking.
4:22 (Anderson): Careful hitting Clausen late like that, you might jar some talent loose.
4:19(Anderson): Do not adjust your hearing aids, he DID just say that Clausen has been sacked FORTY-NINE(49) times this season. Notre Dame's offensive line is turning heads today by only allowing 4 so far.
4:11 (Irons): TD pass to the backup TE, Air Force. Oh my. 31-10. Start gathering your pocket change, Notre Dame fans. This is going to cost $25 million.
4:09 (Irons): So the running game is working today.
4:06 (Irons): Jeeeeeeeee-sus. ND's offensive averages on the season (if you're drinking something, swallow before reading): 208.4 yards/game; 152 passing yards/game; 56.4 rushing yards/game.
4:05 (Irons): Charlie Weis, down by two touchdowns, has wisely decided to slow the game down. No sense in letting things get out of hand.
3:58 (Irons): It's amusing to watch the look of shock and surprise on the ND running backs' faces on the rare occasion that they break through the line of scrimmage.
3:52 (Anderson): Air Force, one of the last remaining dedicated option offenses, is now out-passing Notre Dame.
3:44 (Irons): TD pass Air Force. 24-10. There's a school of thought that ND is acting in a patriotic manner by allowing the service academies to defeat them in a time of war. But to let the Bolts blow them out? I mean, we don't want our soldiers to get cocky.
3:43 (Irons): Nope, no harelips spotted in the crowd.
3:41 (Anderson): Is that Greta Van Susteren on the sidelines?
3:30 (Anderson): The second half will commence as soon as all 15 of the Notre Dame fans come back from the bathroom and Charlie Weis finishes his dessert.
3:24 (Irons): Halftime by the numbers: 3 sacks, 2 turnovers, 63(!) rushing yards. I believe this is what you call a moral victory.
3:21 (Irons): Best argument against HDTV: Charlie Weis.
3:17 (Irons): FYI, the officials stole 3 points from Air Force at the end of the half. Let the NBC-related conspiracy theories begin.
3:14 (Irons): Air Force 17-10 at the half. Imagine what their lead would be if they had more black people.
3:10 (Irons): Emu flattened by undersized Air Force defender. Sack #3.
3:08 (Irons): TD Air Force! 17-10.
3:02 (Irons): That's not nice, Anderson -- I'm sure he's just big-boned.
3:00 (Anderson): Word has reached us that immediately after the touchdown, Weis sent a letter to Air Force Coach Calhoun offering to end the game on a tie, under the terms that Calhoun buys pizza and cokes for both teams and a cake for Weiss.
2:56 (Irons): TD Notre Dame. According to the announcers, this is the second touchdown pass of the Emu's career. Hasn't he started like 7 games?
2:55 (Irons): Special update for SEC fans: Nick Saban has been Croomed.
2:54 (Irons): Emu flattened by undersized Air Force defender, but this time in illegal fashion. In Notre Dame-speak, this is called "offense."
2:53 (Anderson): I bet the Notre Dame Friday Night Pep Rallies are fun this year.
2:47(Anderson): Is it just me, or is the bulk of the advertising just NBC pumping their own programming? I'm half-expecting some local Southbend grocery store ads to pop up.
2:44 (Irons): And it's official: No shutout today. 10-3.
2:43(Anderson): Prudential must be excited, this is ND's first trip to the red zone in a few weeks.
2:38 (Irons): Down goes Michigan (to a D-I team this time). Explain to me again why Ohio State belongs in the national title game?
2:37 (Irons): Notre Dame runs for a first down. Let that sink in for a moment.
2:36 (Anderson): Let's take a commercial break to give ND time to plan their 3-and-out.
2:30(Anderson): I think ND's first priority in the off season is to pick up a good punter. That's their most reliable source of positive yardage.
2:24 (Irons): Dear Emu: You play for the blue team.
2:21 (Irons): Fumb-bbbbbbbbbbbbblllllle! Air Force tacks on the extra point to make it 10-0. Enjoying this as much as I am makes me feel ... dirty.
2:19 (Irons): We heartily agree with the assessment of the ND coaching situation expressed by our brothers over at Nation of Islam Sports Blog. Look for a guest post by Brother T in the next few weeks.
2:18 (Irons): Undersized Air Force player flattens the Emu for Sack #2. Rinse, repeat.
2:17 (Anderson): I think I found their next coach:

2:14 (Irons): Anderson informs me that Notre Dame's TV contract runs through 2010. Oy. Charlie Weis' contract, of course, runs through 2015.
2:13 (Irons): This is not a joke. Someone wearing Rudy's number and approximating his height is currently on the field.
2:12(Anderson): Good Lord, they've actually put Rudy in.
2:08 (Anderson): I'm expecting Air Force's second string to come in soon. They don't need any unnecessary injuries before the big San Diego State game next week.
2:01 (Irons): Field goal. 3-0 Air Force.
2:00 (Anderson): Ah, the feature game on NBC: football for World War II survivors.
1:50 (Irons): Air Force "fumbles" on the one. Replay overturns. Once again, Jesus is apparently a basketball fan
1:40 (Irons): The Emu is starting. Fish, meet barrel.
1:33 (Irons): Welcome to our first annual Notre Dame Live Gloat, wherein we watch ineptitude in action and comment as necessary.