Even Nature's Innocents Hate Notre Dame

Sure, this little rugrat will grow up to have frosted tips and Prada sunglasses, but for the meantime he's as god intended him. Thanks to Ethan at SECFootballBlogger for making our week.

Yes, Yes! F--k Notre Dame! And Touchdown Jesus!

ESPN First Take anchorwoman Dana Jacobson was apparently channeling our soul at last week's roast of Mike & Mike (with Charlie Weis in the audience):

Jacobson, reportedly intoxicated, was speaking at a celebrity roast in Atlantic City, N.J., when she unleashed a profane tirade, saying, "F--- Notre Dame," "F--- Touchdown Jesus" and finally "F--- Jesus."

According to SBB, Jacobson:

"made an absolute fool out of herself, swilling vodka from a Belvedere bottle, mumbling along, and cursing like a sailor as Mike & Mike rested their heads in their hands in embarrassment."

Ironic nugget of the day: Dana was strongly considered as a replacement for Don Imus in the morning.

Anyway, the response has been ugly and predictable: Bill Donahue (of Catholic League and South Park fame) whining and ESPN dropping a one-week suspension on her ass. We, however, have nothing but love for Dana, who we hereby name the Official CWATCF Mascot.

Sure, she's a little butch, has horse teeth, and spends waaaaaaaaaaay too much time with Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith, but we can get past that. We love her for her mind.

UPDATE: Thanks to reader SK for pointing out that Dana is our Barbaro. Why the long face, Dana?

Where You Can Go, And What You Can Do With Yourself: Nov. 14

Each Wednesday, we'll provide you with gratuitous pictures of breasts, links to our favorite stuff, and a rundown of posting for the next week. No other blog does this, and we feel like we're filling a void.

Email us with your tips at cwatcf@gmail.com, and we'll post 'em right up.

BLOG SCHEDULE

Friday: Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin'
Monday: SEC Names of The Week: Nov. 19 Edition
Wednesday: The 11 Most Evil SEC College Football Coaches: #5 and #6

Yeah, we're 30 now. And no, we still haven't graduated.

STUFF YOU SHOULD READ

The ratings are in!
Who needs fall anyway? Your AC or heater must be on at all times.

Who cares if it's true?
Ditka = God.

Frank Caliendo vs. Charles Barkey
Who will win?

THINGS WE HATE (updated weekly)

She just likes the trunk.
Paris, the pink elephant in the corner isn't real.

No one cares anymore.
Apparently Herbstreit thinks that the Ohio State v. Michigan game is the greatest rivalry in all sports. Good thing no one else does.

Time to buy new lawn furniture.
But where will the Tennessee fans watch the game on Saturdays?

THINGS WE LOVE (updated weekly)

No thanks, we'll take our chances on the Bulldogs.
Well, if you were that thirsty, you would have prayed a lot harder.

Recycled condoms?
Looks great, keeps the hair nice and shiny.

Who gave Verne the bottle of scotch before halftime?
At least they cut the camera before he broke out the centipede.

What do you expect from a conference that can't count past ten?
At least they bring in their first-string officials when it counts.

How To Win Friends And Influence People: Part 1

UPDATE: So, it's been brought to our attention that Kuechenberg is sort of a dick. On the other hand, he did use the rhetorical question "Does a frog have a waterproof butthole?" on the radio, so we figure it's a wash.

Seems that some of the former Fightin' Irish players aren't so pleased with The Fat Man. Former Notre Dame and Miami Dolphin football star Bob Kuechenberg joined the Dennis and Callahan Radio show for this gem of a chat:

BK: They have all, to a man, said that [Weis] is unnecessarily rude and crude to the Notre Dame community ... when he left the Patriots and got a sweetheart deal, a sweetheart offer from Notre Dame ... at that point, it's not a one year or a two year contract, it's a five year, beautiful contract. Charlie Weis and his family are secure financially forever, and it's his dream job -- going back to Notre Dame -- unbelievable! Then Tom Benson, the owner of the New Orleans Saints gets a hold of him a few weeks before the opening game of his tenure and says, "Charlie, you've only been in the NFL. Let me see that contract -- aw, that's a pittance. Tear it up and you come with me."

I know that I would, you two would, and any man of character at that point would -- I believe -- have said "Mr. Benson, that is a great honor, I really appreciate your respect for my ability, but I've just signed a contract with Notre Dame, the job of my lifetime. This is what I'm meant to be, and thank you but no thank you." Instead, what he does is go to Notre Dame's athletic department and says "Here's what New Orleans offered and what can you do about it. I can't turn this down."

So instead, he holds them ransom and they extend it to ten years from five years. Right there, what does that tell you about the man? I mean, how much money do you need? What are your priorities?

Host: But Bob, most college coaches are mercenaries ... they all hold the school over a barrel when they get these [inaudible], no?

BK: No, no, not at all. Now I don't mind when he goes and gets a year or two into his five year deal and says "Okay, now, you know, it's a fit, and let's extend this, everybody's happy." That's customary. Not to do what he did. That's a low blow and it's absolutely unnecessary. I mean, how much friggin' money do you need? What's your priority in life?

Host: Bob, two questions here. Are the priests, the fathers, the clergy offended by his language, his sideline deportment, and now that they gave him the extension on the extension, what are they saying behind closed doors and in back channels about what they're getting for their money?

BK: Um, I cannot answer, you know, what the priests, and the other authorities at Notre Dame are speaking. I'm only speaking to my alumni friends. I've not spoken to any officials of Notre Dame, the university. Just my own opinion of what I've seen. Again, I've not met Charlie, but I don't need to meet Charlie. When a man makes that choice that we just discussed ... I don't want to meet Charlie, frankly.

Host: Well, what happened specifically to you? You went there with some friends or wanted to bring some friends through the locker room -- is that correct?

BK: No, no, nothing like that. I’ve never spoken to Charlie, or you know, I’ve never had personal interaction with Charlie at all.

Host: So what did he do, other than lose, that so offended you?

BK: You know, his demeanor. I believe the student athlete at Notre Dame is expected to be extra special. Also, it’s all about leadership and I don’t think he’s providing the right kind of leadership.

Charlie, Tommy Tuberville can clue you in as to what this means:

Again, it's petition time, baby.

Bye-Bye, Milesy

Lloyd Carr Resigning

Since this news came from a blog, it must be true:

Three separate sources indicate that Carr has made his decision to retire official and people around the athletic department are being told. The formal announcement will come after the Ohio State game, possibly at the Monday press conference, possibly a day or two later.

Who will Michigan pursue? Will it be Les Miles? Urban Meyer? Or how about:

YEEEHAAAA! DENNIS FRANCHIONE! DENNIS F'ING FRANCHIONE would NEVER lose to Appalachian State! DENNIS F'ING FRANCHIONE practically bleeds blue! He named his dog Blue! His wife's nickname is Blue! DENNIS F'ING FRANCHIONE oozes Loyalty! His middle name is Loyalty! His favorite color is Loyalty Blue!

Oh, and he won at TCU, which means he will definitely win at Michigan. And never lose to Appalachian State.

CWATCF emphatically endorses Dennis Franchione for the Michigan Football head coaching job. Assuming, of course, that Charlie Weis is unavailable.

UPDATE: Before assessing the credibility of this claim, you might want to remember our last foray into hard news.

UPDATE II: We were so right, and like 6 days early. Suck it ESPN. Consider yourself scooped.

Sophie's Choice: Duke v. Notre Dame

A recent conversation with our brothers over at Nation of Islam Sports Blog awakened us to a startling, if obvious point: most of America is torn about who to root for this weekend. For most, this is a choice between Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook, Holly Rowe and Pam Ward, gonorrhea and syphilis.

Now, we have no personal ill will towards Coach Krzyzewski and his university full of second-generation Asian-Americans – he coaches in something called the “ACC,” after all, and apparently for a “basket-ball” team, whatever that is. However, we can appreciate the magnitude of anti-Duke sentiment out there:

Google “Hate Duke,” and you get 2,070,000 hits. Even if you assume that around 25% of them concern the Klansman/almost-Senator from Louisiana, that’s still a pretty staggering collection of ill will (ND pulls in 1.6 million hits on a similar search).

So here we are: a game between the two of the most reviled institutions in college athletics. We are informed that there are no circumstances under which they can both lose (unless they are both cheating, which judging by current records falls into the “unlikely” category).

In Sophie’s Choice, a mother is forced to choose which one of her two children will live, and which will perish. Faced with a question that has no right answers, her only logical choice is to choose the one who is strongest and most likely to survive. As we -- and the majority of the nation -- are in the opposite position ("Please, take them both!"), it's clear that our only choice is to support the weaker program. Let's take a look:

Duke Blue Devils

Program Strengths:

• Um, basketball?
• Campus not located in Indiana.
  

Program Weaknesses:

• Coached by moron.
• Record since 1995: 20-122.
• No conference wins since 2004.
  
• Mandated 30 years of pestilence and plague in return for giving The Devil his coaching start.
  
• National (and local) apathy.
• Duke chicks.
  

Notre Dame Fightin' Irish

Program Strengths:

• Innumerable traditions.
• National alumni base, Catholic support.
• "Earned" bowl spots 16 of the last 20 years, including 8 BCS-caliber bowls.
• Gobs of money.
  

Program Weaknesses:

• The fat man.
• Notre Dame chicks.
• Overwhelming sense of entitlement, even when objectively ugly or bad at football.
  

The choice is clear: Duke football is a rotting carcass, deader than dead. At best, the Devils aspire to a 3-8 season and a midweek telecast on ESPN -- hell, a conference win would set them dancing in the streets.

Touchdown Jesus and his merry band of Leprechauns, on the other hand ... well, they're on life support. In this analogy, the BCS and NBC are the doctors, squeezing the Irish onto weekly national television and snuff-film quality bowl games against SEC teams. As has been noted, all they have left is their dignity. Let's Schiavo this patient while we still can.

And on that note, let us band together, fight back the nausea, and say it in unison:

THIS WEEK, WE ARE ALL BLUE DEVILS.

Go here and sign our petition.

Petition powered by ThePetitionSite.com

Notre Dame v. Air Force: Saturday Live Gloating

5:16 (Irons): Mercifully, this one is over. Final score 41-24. On the bright side, ND's 58 yards rushing beats their season average.
5:14 (Anderson): The Irish Faithful (his name is Steve) still hoping for a last minute, 17-point comeback.
5:11 (Irons): And Air Force rubs it in a bit -- 41-24.
5:05 (Anderson): Local Southbend buffets on Defcon-4 status as the Irish close in on their ninth loss, expect Weis to replace the sadness in his heart with cholesterol.
5:02 (Irons): Proof that the NBC announcers aren't at all biased: "If you're Notre Dame, you're probably a little disappointed in the running game."
5:01 (Anderson): Weis appears to be unhappy with the chain measurement system, demands use of more "official" chicago-style pizza box.
4:56 (Irons): Navy, who squeaked by the Fightin' Irish last week, has given up 49 points this Saturday. In the first half. To North Texas.
4:55 (Anderson): ND special teams are as impressive as ever.
4:51 (Irons): Swing pass by Emu ... TD. And ND is partying like it's 1984. 34-24, Air Force.
4:50 (Anderson): I wonder how much it cost Notre Dame to put green t-shirts on all the homeless people that live in their stadium before the game started?
4:43 (Irons): On the bright side, Weis has done an excellent job conserving his time outs.
4:42 (Irons): Oh. My. Emu sacked by entire Air Force team. 6.
4:38 (Irons): FG, Air Force. 34-17.
4:35 (Anderson): Notre Dame's Emu retakes the passing lead over Air Force's option quarterback by a slim margin. AF is still outrushing the Irish by roughly three miles.
4:31 (Anderson): Air Force might need to put the second string back in (third string currently playing) to insure that they cover the spread. For the record, Air Force came into this game favored by 3.5 points.
4:25 (Irons): Meaningless TD pass, Emu. 31-17.
4:24 (Irons): Emu sacked by undersized Air Force defender. Again. This makes 5 for the day and a whopping 50 for the year. There are tackling dummies that do a better job of blocking.
4:22 (Anderson): Careful hitting Clausen late like that, you might jar some talent loose.
4:19(Anderson): Do not adjust your hearing aids, he DID just say that Clausen has been sacked FORTY-NINE(49) times this season. Notre Dame's offensive line is turning heads today by only allowing 4 so far.
4:11 (Irons): TD pass to the backup TE, Air Force. Oh my. 31-10. Start gathering your pocket change, Notre Dame fans. This is going to cost $25 million.
4:09 (Irons): So the running game is working today.
4:06 (Irons): Jeeeeeeeee-sus. ND's offensive averages on the season (if you're drinking something, swallow before reading): 208.4 yards/game; 152 passing yards/game; 56.4 rushing yards/game.
4:05 (Irons): Charlie Weis, down by two touchdowns, has wisely decided to slow the game down. No sense in letting things get out of hand.
3:58 (Irons): It's amusing to watch the look of shock and surprise on the ND running backs' faces on the rare occasion that they break through the line of scrimmage.
3:52 (Anderson): Air Force, one of the last remaining dedicated option offenses, is now out-passing Notre Dame.
3:44 (Irons): TD pass Air Force. 24-10. There's a school of thought that ND is acting in a patriotic manner by allowing the service academies to defeat them in a time of war. But to let the Bolts blow them out? I mean, we don't want our soldiers to get cocky.
3:43 (Irons): Nope, no harelips spotted in the crowd.
3:41 (Anderson): Is that Greta Van Susteren on the sidelines?
3:30 (Anderson): The second half will commence as soon as all 15 of the Notre Dame fans come back from the bathroom and Charlie Weis finishes his dessert.
3:24 (Irons): Halftime by the numbers: 3 sacks, 2 turnovers, 63(!) rushing yards. I believe this is what you call a moral victory.
3:21 (Irons): Best argument against HDTV: Charlie Weis.
3:17 (Irons): FYI, the officials stole 3 points from Air Force at the end of the half. Let the NBC-related conspiracy theories begin.
3:14 (Irons): Air Force 17-10 at the half. Imagine what their lead would be if they had more black people.
3:10 (Irons): Emu flattened by undersized Air Force defender. Sack #3.
3:08 (Irons): TD Air Force! 17-10.
3:02 (Irons): That's not nice, Anderson -- I'm sure he's just big-boned.
3:00 (Anderson): Word has reached us that immediately after the touchdown, Weis sent a letter to Air Force Coach Calhoun offering to end the game on a tie, under the terms that Calhoun buys pizza and cokes for both teams and a cake for Weiss.
2:56 (Irons): TD Notre Dame. According to the announcers, this is the second touchdown pass of the Emu's career. Hasn't he started like 7 games?
2:55 (Irons): Special update for SEC fans: Nick Saban has been Croomed.
2:54 (Irons): Emu flattened by undersized Air Force defender, but this time in illegal fashion. In Notre Dame-speak, this is called "offense."
2:53 (Anderson): I bet the Notre Dame Friday Night Pep Rallies are fun this year.
2:47(Anderson): Is it just me, or is the bulk of the advertising just NBC pumping their own programming? I'm half-expecting some local Southbend grocery store ads to pop up.
2:44 (Irons): And it's official: No shutout today. 10-3.
2:43(Anderson): Prudential must be excited, this is ND's first trip to the red zone in a few weeks.
2:38 (Irons): Down goes Michigan (to a D-I team this time). Explain to me again why Ohio State belongs in the national title game?
2:37 (Irons): Notre Dame runs for a first down. Let that sink in for a moment.
2:36 (Anderson): Let's take a commercial break to give ND time to plan their 3-and-out.
2:30(Anderson): I think ND's first priority in the off season is to pick up a good punter. That's their most reliable source of positive yardage.
2:24 (Irons): Dear Emu: You play for the blue team.
2:21 (Irons): Fumb-bbbbbbbbbbbbblllllle! Air Force tacks on the extra point to make it 10-0. Enjoying this as much as I am makes me feel ... dirty.
2:19 (Irons): We heartily agree with the assessment of the ND coaching situation expressed by our brothers over at Nation of Islam Sports Blog. Look for a guest post by Brother T in the next few weeks.
2:18 (Irons): Undersized Air Force player flattens the Emu for Sack #2. Rinse, repeat.
2:17 (Anderson): I think I found their next coach:

2:14 (Irons): Anderson informs me that Notre Dame's TV contract runs through 2010. Oy. Charlie Weis' contract, of course, runs through 2015.
2:13 (Irons): This is not a joke. Someone wearing Rudy's number and approximating his height is currently on the field.
2:12(Anderson): Good Lord, they've actually put Rudy in.
2:08 (Anderson): I'm expecting Air Force's second string to come in soon. They don't need any unnecessary injuries before the big San Diego State game next week.
2:01 (Irons): Field goal. 3-0 Air Force.
2:00 (Anderson): Ah, the feature game on NBC: football for World War II survivors.
1:50 (Irons): Air Force "fumbles" on the one. Replay overturns. Once again, Jesus is apparently a basketball fan
1:40 (Irons): The Emu is starting. Fish, meet barrel.
1:33 (Irons): Welcome to our first annual Notre Dame Live Gloat, wherein we watch ineptitude in action and comment as necessary.

Notre Dame Loses To Navy For The First Time In 44 Years