The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s
Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.
As a public service, we've identified the most prevalent types of moron-names.
1. No, It's Pronounced Koooooontz
2. Being Named "Tom Cruise" Used To Be Awesome
Having a Celebrity-Sound-Alike name is often pure, dumb luck. Sure, Colin Ferrell turned out to be an amusing name, but how could his parents have known? Naming your kid Richie Rich, however, takes balls.
3. It’s Funny ‘Cause It’s Not Amerkun
Question for Sen. Tancredo: Assuming we build this wall (with, Duncan Hunter willing, an accompanying crocodile moat), where will we get our Karibi Dedes from?
4. "Stephanie" Is A Lovely Name, But Why Don't We Spell It With An "F," A "U," And Two "E"s
When human beings no longer have to worry about food and shelter, they begin to produce music, art, etc. When human beings only have to worry about mortgages and minivans, they begin to produce retarded variations on perfectly good baby names. The formula? (Name) - I +Y = Originality. Or something. Fuck you, Pryce.
5. That's Adorable, Now Add A "Ja-" To The Front And "-quarius" To The BackThere's a racial and cultural divide that leaves many of us wondering if it's politically correct to laugh at these names. It is -- see #4. The elements are the same in both cases: 1) overworked, tired nurses 2) lack of a basic ability to spell 3) moron parents 4) a burning desire for a "unique name." Put in a pot, stir; out comes DeQuinTavius. Or Chrystyn.
Thanks to the amazing success of No Child Left Behind, we can look forward to many more brats named LaQuintisius, Haynk, Jamarcus, or Jennyfer. And we can laugh at them. Moronames, like Stephen Colbert, do not see color.
6. The "Special" Category
New Mother: "I would like to name him "Pringles."
Nurse: "Well, that's very pretty. One moment, please."
[cut to black helicopters]
In the event your child survives the obligatory 18 years of savage beatings to play in the SEC, we'll be happy to feature him here.
Name of the Week: SEC East
Introducing: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia Bulldogs
Nurse: “And what do you want to name your new baby?”
Mother: [woozy from painkillers and slurring her words] “Sean.”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Mother: “NO. Sean.”
Nurse: “Are you sure?”
Mother: “Yes, dammit!”
Nurse: “Shit, lady. Whatever you want, I just work here. Knowshon it is.”
And thus, a legend was born. In the event he continues to play like this, he’ll have the opportunity to pull a Travis Henry and spawn little Knowshon Juniors in various NFL cities.
By 2020, “Knowshon” will be the new “Michael.”
Co-Name of the Week: SEC West (By Brady)
Presenting: Co-Eric Riley, WR, Mississippi State Bulldogs:
The Co-Winner of this week's SEC Name of the Week is none other than our old friend Co-Eric McKenny Riley. Co-Eric is a co-starter who, along with Eric "Don't Call Me Co, Ho" Butler, co-leads the Bulldogs in receiving yards and touchdowns.
Unfortunately, his co-dependence on State's co-quarterback, Co-llarbones of Steel Henig, has led to a co-llapse of his stats. Nonetheless, Co-Eric is reportedly co-ntent with sharing his moniker with other Erics.
Of course, he could have been beaten like a blind double-amputee like another co-quarterback, who also has a penchant for being a co-conspirator in various crimes.