11.07.2007

11 Most Evil SEC Coaches: #11-9

Welcome to our rundown of the 11 Most Evil SEC Coaches!

One look into Nick Saban’s eyes should be all you need to convince you – Lucifer is a BIG fan of SEC football (or, possibly, coaching under a pseudonym). Jesus, clearly, prefers hoops. Puppy dogs and kisses don’t get you far in SEC-land – just ask Vanderbilt, whose history of hiring coaches with “high moral character” correlates directly with their on-field success:

Just to be clear, we’re not talking about objective standards like NCAA violations, arrests, etc. That's been done. No, we're talking about character. Or, you know, the lack thereof.

This is actually the best way to distinguish SEC fans from the rest of the world. If you ask a Cal fan whether he would be comfortable with Jeff Tedford acting unethically to sign a big recruit, the answer is probably a "No." On the other hand, if you ask a Tennessee fan if he'd be okay with Phil Fulmer forcibly violating a lady of the cloth in order to snag an average recruit ... well:

Average UT Fan
: "Well, I know nun-rape is a bad thing, but this is a 3-Star guard on Rivals, and the left side of our line needs some shoring up. If Phil finishes the nun off with a Superman, can we get a backup tight end thrown in?

And in case you're wondering if Fulmer would do it ... well, let's just say that the nun would smell like bacon grease and powdered sugar for weeks.

[To be clear, your blog proprietors fully support such actions when done in the service of our favored teams.]

Note: We realize you may be wondering why we're only counting down 11 SEC coaches. After all, the league has 12 coaches, right? Well, we TRIED to write one of these for Mark Richt. Really, really tried, we swear -- this has nothing to do with the fact that one of us is a Georgia fan. The man is objectively good, pure, and wholly non-evil. Adopts deformed kids from Third World countries. Spends his vacations building houses in hurricane-ravaged areas of the Honduras. Has an impeccable family life. Even the sappy super-Christian stuff seems genuine and non-affected. Has apologized for the one (and as far as we can tell, only) tiny misstep of his UGA tenure. Of course, many Georgia fans consider this a bad thing (consider that a tease for a future CWATCF feature)

#11: Bobby Johnson, Vanderbilt Commodores

School size of only 6,378. Shitty facilities. High academic standards. 100% graduation rate. Has a strict non-swearing policy for both players and coaches. Wins football games. Wait, what? That’s right, folks. After a 6-29 start to his Vanderbilt coaching career, Johnson has put together three straight seasons featuring Vandy in “bowl contention.” With a win over Tennessee, Kentucky, or Wake Forest, Johnson could actually have the Commodores playing in December, something that has happened only three times in the program’s history (and most recently in 1982).

The only explanation for Vandy leaving their rightful place in the SEC world?

We’re sorry to inform Vandy alums, the easily duped, and believers in crap like “… with hard work, integrity, and passion we can create excellence”: this is a classic case of Billowing Clouds of Smoke = Fire.

IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, BOBBY JOHNSON WOULD:
Re-record Eight Ball & MJG's "Lay It Down."

#10: Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State Bulldogs

Well, this is a tricky one. On the one hand, Croom has overcome racism, struggled through adversity, and seems to be running a clean program. Many have said that you can't win at State without cheating. Let's call Croom's 14-29 career record "exculpatory evidence."

On the other hand ... if your school's past coaches include the inimitable Jackie Sherrill (AKA Cheaty McSanctionpants), it's sort of like contracting herpes. No matter how much Valtrex the Bulldogs take, the sores aren't really going away (this might work, however). And at least 83% MSU fans strongly believe that Black Skin = Black Heart.

But is that a fair indictment of Croom himself? Past sins? Well, how 'bout a present day one for you: for all the talk about Sly as a "modern day MLK," if he continues to lose games at this rate he will set the civil rights movement in Mississippi back 50 years. Guaranteed.

This level of reckless disregard for racial tolerance and civil rights is frankly unbelievable. Time to call a spade a spade (yikes) tell it like it is. Sly Croom is evil.

IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, SYLVESTER CROOM WOULD:
Attend a Halloween function dressed as a pointy-headed ghost.

#9: Rich Brooks, Kentucky Wildcats

Now this is strange. Is Kentucky, KENTUCKY, really bowl eligible already? Could Kentucky possibly be going to back-to-back bowl games for the first time since a truly evil man was at the helm, who incidentally is named after a horrifying monster?

The formerly-toothless Wildcats even managed to snagglepuss a victory over my beloved LSU Tigers. However, triple overtime requires a triple-dose of black magic, and it's clear who's been dabbling in the Dark Arts.

Of course, he's not all bad. Posting a 16-30 record in your first four seasons will generally absolve one from any allegations of witchcraft. However, the fruit of that tempting tree is certainly poisionous, and the toxic venom that tickles his palate and provides earthly pleasures like Andre' Woodson has turned Rich Brooks' heart blacker than Sylvester Croom. Oh wait, can we say that?

IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, RICH BROOKS WOULD:
Send Jared Lorenzen to Somalia and point him towards the last remaining Red Cross food bank.

2 comments:

Carlos said...

IF you could only let us know what "cranking dat roosevelt" is, my life would be complete. My money is on some kind of a cripple / polio related joke, you know like a wheelchair-bound relative of the angry pirate

Irons said...

My understanding is that Roosevelt = Dime Piece = Fine Ass Bitch. "Cranking" refers to intercourse, so Crankin' Dat Roosevelt means sexing a cute young lady.

But your theory of boning a cripple is a good guess, too. My lily-whiteness makes ghetto speak sound like Mandarin.