SEC Football Names of the Week: November 5

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name(s) of the Week:

Introducing: Foxy Foxworth, TE, South Carolina; and Court Courtright, FB, Tennessee

Today we have a double dip of dumb douchebags with nifty names. Today we have a double dip of dumb douchebags with nifty names. Oh, god, am I sorry about that. Anyway, both of this week's nom de morons come from the ever-reliable SEC East.

Court:

Foxy:

Today we feature two walking errors in judgment that raise one major question: which is worse?

1. Eugene "Foxy" Foxworth. Welcome to the land of poor decisions. "Eugene" is on the all-lame-name team, so there's some merit in the fact that he chose to go by a nickname. Con: Writes "Foxy" on checks.
   


2. Court Courtney. After exhaustive research spanning several half-minutes, we've decided that this is his actual name (if not, see above). If so, it's not surprising that a player short several chromosomes plays for Tennessee. Note: If this is a given name, "Court" has not exercised his constitutional right to a name change; do not feel sorry for him. Ed note: We sincerely hope his given name is Courtney Courtney.
   

The curious thing is that both of these alliterative assclowns have done something far stupider than their names would leave you to believe -- play college football as undersized, speed-deficient white boys. Both are non-scholarship walk-ons. Congratulations: you've won the opportunity pay your own tuition, never tailgate, and serve as a tackling dummy six days a week.

The only explanation is that both thought playing college football would translate to Tebow-quality poontang. Court and Foxy, meet ALCOHOL: same results, less pain.

And if you really want to score some premium pelt, learn to cook.