SEC Names Of The Week: Nov. 19 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name(s) of the Week:

Kyrus Lanxter,
WR, Kentucky Wildcats
    Note: All available pictures of Kyrus were too small, so we went with former teammate (and fellow name-winner) Sefo Mailau Blaylock. Sefo is no longer listed on the Kentucky roster; one can only assume he left to pursue weighty intellectual endeavors.

    Kyrus, or "Superman" (as he's known around these parts), has performed at least two miracles in his young life:

    1. Sandwiched an "X" between two consonants [Counting "Y" as a vowel, we're pretty sure this is a trailblazing moment in the history of the English language].

    2. "Son of Michelle Ruckart, Tim Lanxter, and Pam Campbell." You figure that one out.
    If we remember our Sunday School lessons correctly, this qualifies him for canonization by the Catholic Church.

    SEC West Name of the Week:

    Dexter McCluster
    , WR, Ole Miss Rebels

      Ole Miss, under the patient tutelage of Sensei Ed Orgeron, has basically been a McClusterfuck. Saturday's loss to the chainsaw-endowed werewolf that is LSU leaves the Rebels at 0-7 in the SEC for the first time since 1982. Coach Zero has all of 3 SEC wins in his tenure in Oxford. Nevertheless, the Chancellor of Ole Miss is standing behind Coach Ogre! Give the man his time!

      What a McClusterfuck.


      Double K said...

      Dammit. This disappointment is killing me. We have two Dicks (easy prey, I realize), a Felix, a Weston Dacus, a Fish, a Walner, a Hezekiah, an Orion Runyan, and a Dallas Washington for God's sakes. Yet, there has been no mention of a mighty Arkansas Razorback. I'm giving you all about two or 12 more weeks before I boycott the SEC Names posts.

      Irons said...

      Don't forget Matterral, Cord, Crosby, and dear god Shedrick.

      Rest assured, SEC NOTW will be visiting the Ozarks in due course.