Culled from the gold-plated pages of the New Orleans Times-Picayune come this week's Holiday Drinking Season Heroes. These guys are not your average drunks. No sir. They are buzzing like a bad amplifier before you are even out of bed.
We here at CWATCF completely support the use of tasers, tear gas, Uzis, and bazookas to rid the peaceful streets of New Orleans of the trustafarians, hippies, beatniks, and other assorted filth that has accumulated to protest the demolition of four horrendous housing projects.
GO NOPD!
...and a Happy Kwanzaa to Anderson and Phil.
We really need to get some mistletoe belts in the CWATCF store.
Sorry to interrupt your Friday afternoon, but we just can't hold this exciting news in any longer! Sources tell CWATCF that Larry Fedora has accepted the Southern Miss head coaching job. This news is so hot that no one else will even touch it. IT BURNS! Oh yeah, Larry Fedora is in some sort of assistant role at Oklahoma State. The school that gave us this guy:
UPDATE: EVEN MORE BREAKING NEWS!
Whores
Oh, it's a long drive to the Independence Bowl. I-20 the entire way. Slow yesterday. Even slower today. Might be slow tomorrow.
At least there is some nice scenery along the drive:
On second thought, the Alabama travel agent might want to propose an alternate route:
We are all so proud of the Big Guy. One Team, One Nutt, and he is just the man to lead Ole Miss to their first SEC Championship since 1962, first national championship since like 1842, and first appearance in the SEC Title Game...ever. Here's to hoping you nutt up and beat Vanderbilt!
Look for this bumper sticker to appear on vehicles all over the Deep South:
However, I probably wouldn't hold your breath for this one to catch on!
IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, LES MILES WOULD:
IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, ED ORGERON WOULD:LSU v. 0le Miss
And yes, that is a "zero" in 0le Miss. Equal to the number of SEC wins this season! Equal to IQ of Brent Schaeffer! Not equal to the amount of meds needed to tranform Coach O from
a bloodthirsty ogre completely f'ing insane coonass gorilla with man-boobs into a semi-human entity!
For some reasons, Ole Miss fans still like the guy. Let him get his recruits in!
Even if the Rebels have no shot at catching the Tigers on the field, they are at least giving 110% off the field. However, "Pillowgate" just sounds...gay. Very gay. Like, "hotty toddy" gay.
Ole Miss fans need to realize that Pillowgate pales in comparison to Cecil "the Diesel" Collins, Ryan "the Scholar" Perriloux, or Billy "I'm so Rich I Print Money" Cannon.
Oh well, there's always The Grove. And the women. And that's all that Ole Miss stands for anyway, right?
The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s
Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.
Note: All available pictures of Kyrus were too small, so we went with former teammate (and fellow name-winner) Sefo Mailau Blaylock. Sefo is no longer listed on the Kentucky roster; one can only assume he left to pursue weighty intellectual endeavors.
Three separate sources indicate that Carr has made his decision to retire official and people around the athletic department are being told. The formal announcement will come after the Ohio State game, possibly at the Monday press conference, possibly a day or two later.Who will Michigan pursue? Will it be Les Miles? Urban Meyer? Or how about:
YEEEHAAAA! DENNIS FRANCHIONE! DENNIS F'ING FRANCHIONE would NEVER lose to Appalachian State! DENNIS F'ING FRANCHIONE practically bleeds blue! He named his dog Blue! His wife's nickname is Blue! DENNIS F'ING FRANCHIONE oozes Loyalty! His middle name is Loyalty! His favorite color is Loyalty Blue!Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.
For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.
SEC East Name(s) of the Week:
Wondy Pierre-Louis, CB, Florida Gators
This year's winner of the Karibi Dede Award is the Gator's newly-minted starter. Wondy's inspiring personal story begins in his war-torn Haitian homeland, and blah blah blah this is what links are for. Anyway, that might have been enough to prevent us from mocking him, but for this little factoid:
Coolio, tired of living in a Gangsta's Paradise, is back with (1,2,3,4) Sumpin' New. He now plays TWO positions for the Alabama Crimson Tide while composing hit songs and sticking forks into electric sockets to achieve the perfect hairstyle. When shock therapy doesn't get his hair-rection hard enough, he just watches Notre Dame football.Welcome to our rundown of the 11 Most Evil SEC Coaches!
One look into Nick Saban’s eyes should be all you need to convince you – Lucifer is a BIG fan of SEC football (or, possibly, coaching under a pseudonym). Jesus, clearly, prefers hoops. Puppy dogs and kisses don’t get you far in SEC-land – just ask Vanderbilt, whose history of hiring coaches with “high moral character” correlates directly with their on-field success:
[To be clear, your blog proprietors fully support such actions when done in the service of our favored teams.]
Note: We realize you may be wondering why we're only counting down 11 SEC coaches. After all, the league has 12 coaches, right? Well, we TRIED to write one of these for Mark Richt. Really, really tried, we swear -- this has nothing to do with the fact that one of us is a Georgia fan. The man is objectively good, pure, and wholly non-evil. Adopts deformed kids from Third World countries. Spends his vacations building houses in hurricane-ravaged areas of the Honduras. Has an impeccable family life. Even the sappy super-Christian stuff seems genuine and non-affected. Has apologized for the one (and as far as we can tell, only) tiny misstep of his UGA tenure. Of course, many Georgia fans consider this a bad thing (consider that a tease for a future CWATCF feature)
School size of only 6,378. Shitty facilities. High academic standards. 100% graduation rate. Has a strict non-swearing policy for both players and coaches. Wins football games. Wait, what? That’s right, folks. After a 6-29 start to his Vanderbilt coaching career, Johnson has put together three straight seasons featuring Vandy in “bowl contention.” With a win over
The only explanation for Vandy leaving their rightful place in the SEC world?
IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, BOBBY JOHNSON WOULD:
Re-record Eight Ball & MJG's "Lay It Down."
#10: Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State Bulldogs
This level of reckless disregard for racial tolerance and civil rights is frankly unbelievable. Time to 
Of course, he's not all bad. Posting a 16-30 record in your first four seasons will generally absolve one from any allegations of witchcraft. However, the fruit of that tempting tree is certainly poisionous, and the toxic venom that tickles his palate and provides earthly pleasures like Andre' Woodson has turned Rich Brooks' heart blacker than Sylvester Croom. Oh wait, can we say that?Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.
For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.
SEC East Name(s) of the Week:
Introducing: Foxy Foxworth, TE, South Carolina; and Court Courtright, FB, Tennessee
Today we have a double dip of dumb douchebags with nifty names. Today we have a double dip of dumb douchebags with nifty names. Oh, god, am I sorry about that. Anyway, both of this week's nom de morons come from the ever-reliable SEC East.
Court:
And if you really want to score some premium pelt, learn to cook.UPDATE: The good folks at Poon of the SEC break down this weekend's LSU-Bama tits matchup.
I'm starvin', brah! That means that it's time for the Friday installment of Tailgaters and Instigators!
CWATCF is heading over to Tuscaloosa this weekend to test the cuisine served at the Alabama/LSU game. Oh, and to watch a football game, too.
I have high expectations for my first trip to Tuscaloosa, especially since I've had so much fun in a town described as a toxic waste dump by a certain Alabama newspaper. Whatever, the noxious fumes and potentially carcinogenic water make for an excellent gumbo!
Grumble, Grumble...
What comes to mind when you think of Tuscaloosa? Jorts? check. Tank tops? check. Mullets? check. Barbeque...yesssss!
While nothing screams "Alabama" quite like a tank-top-and-jorts-wearing, mullet-outfitted missing link who probably did not attend the university, good barbeque is probably a close second. While the sous chefs in the CWATCF kitchen are prepping the ingredients for tomorrow's meat-centric throwdown, Head Chef Brady would like to entice your taste buds with a recipe that is sure to have the ladies cum running. (OH OH OH, is that a p0rn reference again?!)
Double-M's Red Beans & Rice
1/2lb pickled pork shoulder
1/2lb ham hocks
1lb bacon, cubed
1lb andouille sausage, cubed
1c bell pepper, diced
1c onion, diced
1c celery, diced
2T garlic, minced
1/3c olive oil
6q chicken stock
3lb red beans (Camellia brand)
1/2c Tony Chachere's
8 boxes Uncle Ben's boil in a bag rice
Soak the beans in water overnight. In a large pot over a burner, pour in the olive oil and heat over medium heat. Once the oil is hot, render the bacon until crispy. Add the vegetables and sautee until they are wilted. Add the Tony's, and then add the chicken stock, meat, and red beans. Bring to a boil and then simmer for at least an hour, or until it thickens. Either cook the rice beforehand or boil it in salted water in a separate pot. Pair with freshly grilled sausage.
Then serve it up and enjoy what comes next!
UPDATE: Other, similarly reliable sources claim this had something to do with MMA fighters. In related news, an anonymous source tells us that Baton Rouge is stockpiling weapons of mass destruction.
Here at CWATCF, we hold ourselves to the high journalistic standards espoused by the New York Times and Judy Miller -- we only deal in wild, lightly-sourced rumor and innuendo if it's really interesting. This email indicates Ryan Perriloux may not win those three Heismans after all. Matt Flynn's job is looking a little safer. From Reader Thick Vic:
Here is the scoop........it is more than a bar brawl ... a real good friend of mine who is the manager of the Varsity in Baton Rouge sent me a text of a great story from last night. Marlon Favorite's rap group had a concert there last night and apparently
Derrick Odom got into a bar fight with the bouncers at the Varsity.
When the fight was sent outside, a brawl broke out and Ryan Perriloux was spotted pulling a gun on someone and it is on camera. Alex Loomis, whose dad is the GM of the Saints (Mickey Loomis) is a bouncer at the Varsity. When he went to his car at about 3:30 AM, four guys in mask saw him in a Varsity shirt and went after him.
They tried to get in his car and when they couldn't, they started to kick it and beat it.
Supposedly, Odom broke the window of the car with the handle of the gun. Most of this was caught on film and lots of football players were involved because they all went to see Favorite. Xavier Carter was also somehow involved in the incident and Glenn Dorsey is on film, but was not involved in any altercations. Mickey Loomis is suppose to meet with Les Miles and Skip Bertman on Monday and going after the football team pretty hard.
My friend that manages the place saw most of this take place and said he has never been so scared in his life. Supposedly the players were threatening to burn the place down or shoot everyone at the bar. Some have tried to post the incident on
Tigerdroppings.com and Tigerbait.com, but they get pulled off immediately. Take this for what it is worth, but it is coming directly from a friend of mine that manages the Varsity and was there.
Happy Halloween, Ladies:
Each Wednesday, we'll provide you with gratuitous pictures of breasts (because that's totally original and no other blog has ever done it), links to our favorite stuff, and a rundown of posting for the next week.
Email us with your tips at cwatcf@gmail.com, and we'll post 'em right up.
Remember Girls: The sluttier the outfit, the more attention you will get! So follow your psychiatrist's orders and boost that self esteem! SHOW YOUR TITS! SHOW YOUR TITS!
See you on Frenchmen Street!
The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s
Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.
As a public service, we've identified the most prevalent types of moron-names.
1. No, It's Pronounced Koooooontz
Having a Celebrity-Sound-Alike name is often pure, dumb luck. Sure, Colin Ferrell turned out to be an amusing name, but how could his parents have known? Naming your kid Richie Rich, however, takes balls.
3. It’s Funny ‘Cause It’s Not Amerkun
Question for Sen. Tancredo: Assuming we build this wall (with, Duncan Hunter willing, an accompanying crocodile moat), where will we get our Karibi Dedes from?
4. "Stephanie" Is A Lovely Name, But Why Don't We Spell It With An "F," A "U," And Two "E"s
When human beings no longer have to worry about food and shelter, they begin to produce music, art, etc. When human beings only have to worry about mortgages and minivans, they begin to produce retarded variations on perfectly good baby names. The formula? (Name) - I +Y = Originality. Or something. Fuck you, Pryce.
5. That's Adorable, Now Add A "Ja-" To The Front And "-quarius" To The Back
There's a racial and cultural divide that leaves many of us wondering if it's politically correct to laugh at these names. It is -- see #4. The elements are the same in both cases: 1) overworked, tired nurses 2) lack of a basic ability to spell 3) moron parents 4) a burning desire for a "unique name." Put in a pot, stir; out comes DeQuinTavius. Or Chrystyn.6. The "Special" Category
Introducing: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia Bulldogs
Nurse: “And what do you want to name your new baby?”
Mother: [woozy from painkillers and slurring her words] “Sean.”
Nurse: “Shane?”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Nurse: “Shaw?”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Nurse: “Knowshon?”
Mother: “NO. Sean.”
Nurse: “Are you sure?”
Mother: “Yes, dammit!”
Nurse: “Shit, lady. Whatever you want, I just work here. Knowshon it is.”
And thus, a legend was born. In the event he continues to play like this, he’ll have the opportunity to pull a Travis Henry and spawn little Knowshon Juniors in various NFL cities.
By 2020, “Knowshon” will be the new “Michael.”
Presenting: Co-Eric Riley, WR, Mississippi State Bulldogs:
