Music City Bowl = Irony

We're going to spend the afternoon watching the towel boys at Free Shoes University confront Andre' Woodson and the Wildcats of Kentucky. For FSU, the Gaylord Hotels Bowl represents a big step up from last year's trip to the Emerald Nuts Bowl. Enjoy the last years of the Bowden Era, guys! Judging by the first few minutes of the game, the 'Noles may break out the clown cars by halftime.

Just a reminder to purchase our intellectual property:

Michigan State Fans: Exactly What You'd Expect

Note: Due to the holiday, SEC NOTW will be on hiatus until next week.

As the year drags to a close, we at CWATCF always like to look back on the new experiences of the past 12 months. It consistently amazes us that in life, almost nothing is what you'd expect. Reading a review of The Godfather (or, for that matter, Biodome), for example, can barely scratch the surface of what the actual movie experience will be like. Can Fodor's prepare you for your first glimpse of Italy? Or Des Moines? Not a chance. Remember your first shot of bourbon?

The point of all of this is that life is full of mystery and magic, and daily wonder is the status quo. That being the case, it can be especially jarring when something is ... well ... entirely what you'd expect.

Let's quickly review our preconceptions of Michigan State fans: Rock-dumb enough to live in East Lansing ... completely ignorant of fashion trends not espoused by Fergie ... wears sweatpants/jean skirts/black ho pants ... future trailer owner ... pasty from lack of exposure to the sun ... or orange from over-tanning ... roots showing ... vaguely trashy in a central-Florida kind of way.


Oh. My. Well, that was accurate. Follow the link to see more wholly unsurprising MSU fan pictures.

Anyway, we thought we'd throw up a working list of other things in life that are wholly unsurprising. Feel free to add to the list, Brady and Anderson. Everyone else, give us your picks in the comments.

Exactly What You'd Expect

Indianapolis
Sweet Tarts
Toby Keith concerts
Alabama
Children on planes
Flavor of Love
Busch Light

CWATCF Road Trip: The Champs Sports Bowl

Most of you are familiar with our reputation for first-line, direct source reporting. To give you a glimpse of the real bowl experience, CWATCF took a little field trip to the Champs Sports Bowl yesterday ... wooooooo crappy third-tier Big Ten-Big East matchup!!!!! Actually, as we recently watched 300, we had high hopes for this one. This is Sparta!!!! Hoouup!!!!!

The game did not live up to the movie.

Boston College v. Michigan State

First of all, the Citrus Bowl closed off the entire upper deck. What the hell kind of revenues do these crappy bowl games pull in? Swindle seems to think the answer is, um, not much.

On to the game. To our untrained, non-expert eyes, BC quarterback Matt Ryan looked like the real deal. The ball always came out on time, he threw the deep out on a rope, and he showed nice accuracy on deep balls. BC coach Jim Jagodzinski astutely took advantage of his NFL-ready QB by having Ryan spend most of the game throwing 5-yard curl patterns to the tight end and quick checks to the running back (presumably, his wide receivers blow donkey balls). This made for a terribly exciting game. And the Spartans? They've installed one of them fancy new spread offenses with all the wide receivers and the crazy formations ... and apparently only one play (HB Dive). Thrilling.

So BC won 24-21. Praise the Jesus.

Mitt Romney: CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders. In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

Mitt Romney: 2007 Alabama Football

OK, so this is cheating a bit -- we're really comparing Romney to Saban rather than the Alabama team itself -- but hey, Nick Saban and Mitt Romney might be the two biggest snake oil salesmen in the country. Both have an undeniable record of past successes, but current circumstances preclude them from winning big this year.

1) I believe exactly what you prefer me to believe.

Who knows where these guys stand? Does Saban really hate Auburn? I mean, really hate Auburn? Sure, he can spout platitudes about Tide Pride with the best of 'em, but raise your hand if you think Saban wouldn't take over for Tuberville this minute if the Tigers dangled $4.5 million in front of his nose. Bama fans are right to be hesitant in fully embracing the man.

Likewise, does Mitt really have the xenophobic qualifications necessary to be the Republican nominee? Oh, he claims to hate the gays, though nobody's sure if he actually means it. Since he kicked off his campaign at the Henry Ford Museum, we're pretty sure he really hates the Jews. He's perfectly happy to persecute brown people if necessary ... but it's not a Tancredo-esque crusade for him.

And abortion? Oy. His views have "evolved."

2) Fine, I'll sleep with you, but only if you wear this paper bag.

Mitt's a soulless corporate raider (his entire candidacy is staked on the fact that this makes him a competent manager) an animal abuser, and -- oh my -- a former Massachusetts governor who approved state-sponsored health care.

Similarly, Alabama hired a less-than-friendly mercenary, and Bama fans would probably be happy to torture a dog or two these days. Did we mention that Saban's a Yankee, born and bred in the Northeast? And not The Bear?

3) Hey, is that an elephant in the corner?


Poll question idea for the Gallup operation in Alabama: If this was the Inquisition and you were on the rack, who would you vote for, a Mormon or an LSU Tiger? With a nod to Pat Buchanan, the likely answer: Keep turning the screws.

Saban is/was a Tiger. End of story. Likewise, no matter how many times the Mittster says he loves Jesus, he's going to be a tough sell to evangelical voters ... and everyone else, for that matter. Sooner or later, the Mormon religion will get a full vetting by Christian (and secular) voters, and it won't be pretty.

Here's what you're going to hear on the tee-vee: The Mormon church was founded in 1827 by Joseph Smith, a convicted con man (who spent his early years divining for water) who claimed to find golden tablets with messages from God. Joseph refused to show said tablets to anyone else, and after he transcribed them they "returned to God," i.e. disappeared. Joseph, and subsequent church leaders, claimed that God frequently granted them revelations. A surprising number of these involved granting those same leaders additional (and very young) wives.

Other problems? The LDS embraced polygamy (before it officially didn't, though many fundamentalist sects still embrace it), was an officially racist institution (until 1978!). According to Brigham Young, a church leader, having sex with black people would kill you on the spot (again, the church later changed their mind). Did I mention that they wear magic underwear? And were involved in one of the worst mass-murders ever on US soil?

*Ed. Note: We don't think Mormonism is objectively any crazier than Christianity. 200,000,000 people in this country believe that a long-haired hippie could magic water into wine, walk on water, and fly. Mormons just believe that similar things happened ... um ... in 1880.

Are these facts indicative of Romney's capacity to serve as President of the United States? Probably no more than Saban's Tiger ties are to Bama's success. But that doesn't mean they aren't relevant to the deep-seated opinions of fans and voters.

CWATCF Prediction

Regardless of your level of competency, it's damn difficult to overcome the average guy's perception of your past. Romney is smart, capable, and flush with campaign money. In a world void of abortion, gays, and the Religious Right he might make a decent president. But in an era where issue-voting is vitally important, it's difficult to see voters picking a guy with virtually no identifiable positions.

Mitt's big problem is Huckabee -- if evangelical voters have a viable alternative, he's probably toast. Huckabee, however, is a terrible candidate who will (given enough time) suffer from overexposure. If this happens early enough, Romney can win Iowa on Jan. 3 (and he'll likely take NH, too). He leads in Jan. 8's MI primary ... and could ride that momentum to a victory in SC the next week, obtaining an insurmountable lead.

Romney could be your nominee with a few breaks, but something akin to Saban's 6-6 year is more likely. Expect an incredibly embarrassing ULM-caliber defeat along the way.

Holiday Drinking Season Heroes

Culled from the gold-plated pages of the New Orleans Times-Picayune come this week's Holiday Drinking Season Heroes. These guys are not your average drunks. No sir. They are buzzing like a bad amplifier before you are even out of bed.

Alvin Grace, 22, 1239 Piety St., New Orleans, Dec. 6, 11 a.m., at N. Robertson St. and Franklin Ave., DWI.

Jake S. Henry, 25, 1025 Jamie Ct., Violet, Dec. 10, 11:38 a.m., at Second St. and Danneel St., DWI.

Ritchie Matthew, 29, 5417 S. Prieur St., New Orleans, Dec. 15, 3:53 p.m., in the 600 block of S. Carrollton Ave., DWI.

Bottoms Up! Have another glass of nog, friends!

John McCain: CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders. In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams. Go here for links to all of the candidates.

John McCain: 2007 Michigan Wolverines

Much like preseason #5 Michigan, John McCain entered the 2007 season with high expectations. As a distinguished four-term senator, veteran, and POW (the man cannot raise his arms above shoulder-level because of torture), McCain initially appeared to be a giant in a field of midgets. McCain had been an early leader in 2000 against George W. Bush, as well, but suffered a bitter -- and decisive -- defeat in the South Carolina primary (someone, presumably Rove, started a whisper campaign claiming that McCain had fathered a black baby ... shockingly, this swayed a number of enlightened South Carolina voters). Michigan's 2006 season ended on a similar note, with a loss to #1 Ohio State (hahahaha ... #1 at the time) knocking them out of a potential National Championship berth. To the delight of Michigan-haters across the nation, the Wolverines followed this up by whining a lot, then bending over for Pete Carroll's USC team in the Rose Bowl.

But hey, 2007 looked bright. Henne and Hart were back, McCain's team was in place. The conventional wisdom was that both parties were experienced, battle hardened, and destined for big things.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then things went south ... you might remember a certain upset in Week 1, and you probably helped John McCain not raise any campaign money.

Needless to say, nobody handled this particularly well.

Suddenly, the discontent started to fester. Republicans remembered that they hated McCain, a traditional Goldwater Republican (a popular breed in the Southwest, usually with libertarian leanings, especially on social issues). McCain had spent the last three years shamelessly/pathetically pandering to W, Falwell, and other assorted bigots, but it didn't take (Think Lloyd Carr toying with the spread). At the end of the day, the man just doesn't seem hard-line enough on abortion, it's not crystal clear that he finds the homos distasteful ... and dear god, he doesn't hate brown people enough. Like the Michigan fan base, the Republican party had evolved (heh ... it's funny because Republicans don't believe in evolution).

And it seemed that both 'o7 Michigan and McCain would sink into oblivion, good only for a few snickers at OSU keggers or Jonah Goldberg-hosted cocktail parties (note that the respective events would be quite similar in both decorum and collective IQ of the attendees).

But after the initial period of embarrassing floundering, something strange happened: the beast didn't die. I'm sure we all remember looking in the paper in Week 8, seeing a "#15" by Michigan's name, and thinking "Wait -- what the hell?" It's mind-blowing to think about, but after losing to a I-AA team, Michigan had a chance to win the Big Ten and go to a BCS bowl (ed. note: thank God this didn't happen). After we left McCain for dead, the same thing's happening here -- all of a sudden, he's polling second in Iowa, and hanging around within striking distance in a number of early primary states. Could he really pull this off?

CWATCF Prediction:

Of course, we all know how this ended for Lloyd Carr, with him "retiring" to the great sorrow of at least four Michigan fans. Likewise, McCain's campaign is probably too far behind to catch up, but don't write him off quite yet. A solid second in Iowa (to Huckabee) and New Hampshire (to Romney) might be the launching pad he needs to become a serious contender. Michigan and California will likely decide this thing, and right now they're anybody's game.

Bottom line? Who the hell knows -- this is your dark horse candidate.

Happy Holidays And All That Jazz

We hope you are all enjoying the time off work. Just wanted to let you know that SEC NOTW is a total bust this week -- there are apparently no players named Judas on the current SEC rosters. 'Tis a pity.

UPDATE: Several readers have pointed out that "Petrino" is the new Judas. We regret the omission.

Anyway, there will be a new feature coming this Wednesday ... or Thursday. Wooo! Exciting!

Stay safe, and as Kissing Suzy Kolber has pointed out, don't drink and drive.