The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.
Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.
As a public service, we've identified the most prevalent types of moron-names.
1. No, It's Pronounced Koooooontz
Oh, Jim Bob Cooter, you never had a chance. With this sort of an all-timer, naming the poor kid Sue would be redundant. Funny surnames are always good for a few giggles, but shouldn’t we refrain from mocking someone just because great-great-great grandaddy happened to
hail from Berwickshire? Answer: No. Changing one’s name is a
constitutional right, freely available at age 18. Any abuse
Kyle Sackrider takes from here on out is his own damn fault.
2. Being Named "Tom Cruise" Used To Be Awesome
Having a Celebrity-Sound-Alike name is often pure, dumb luck. Sure, Colin Ferrell turned out to be an amusing name, but how could his parents have known? Naming your kid Richie Rich, however, takes balls.
3. It’s Funny ‘Cause It’s Not Amerkun
Question for Sen. Tancredo: Assuming we build this wall (with, Duncan Hunter willing, an accompanying crocodile moat), where will we get our Karibi Dedes from?
4. "Stephanie" Is A Lovely Name, But Why Don't We Spell It With An "F," A "U," And Two "E"s
When human beings no longer have to worry about food and shelter, they begin to produce music, art, etc. When human beings only have to worry about mortgages and minivans, they begin to produce retarded variations on perfectly good baby names. The formula? (Name) - I +Y = Originality. Or something. Fuck you, Pryce.
5. That's Adorable, Now Add A "Ja-" To The Front And "-quarius" To The Back
There's a racial and cultural divide that leaves many of us wondering if it's politically correct to laugh at these names. It is -- see #4. The elements are the same in both cases: 1) overworked, tired nurses 2) lack of a basic ability to spell 3) moron parents 4) a burning desire for a "unique name." Put in a pot, stir; out comes DeQuinTavius. Or Chrystyn.
Thanks to the amazing success of No Child Left Behind, we can look forward to many more brats named LaQuintisius, Haynk, Jamarcus, or Jennyfer. And we can laugh at them. Moronames, like Stephen Colbert, do not see color.
6. The "Special" Category
Child Services should really use this as a sting operation: If you name your child after a
fruit, a
baseball field, or god forbid a
shitty sports network, you are clearly unfit to be a parent.
New Mother: "I would like to name him "Pringles."
Nurse: "Well, that's very pretty. One moment, please."
[cut to black helicopters]
In the event your child survives the obligatory 18 years of savage beatings to play in the SEC, we'll be happy to feature him here.
Name of the Week: SEC EastIntroducing: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia Bulldogs
Belford, NJ; early on the morning of July 16, 1987.
Nurse: “And what do you want to name your new baby?”
Mother: [woozy from painkillers and slurring her words] “Sean.”
Nurse: “Shane?”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Nurse: “Shaw?”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Nurse: “Knowshon?”
Mother: “NO. Sean.”
Nurse: “Are you sure?”
Mother: “Yes, dammit!”
Nurse: “Shit, lady. Whatever you want, I just work here. Knowshon it is.”
And thus, a legend was born. In the event he continues to play like this, he’ll have the opportunity to pull a Travis Henry and spawn little Knowshon Juniors in various NFL cities.
By 2020, “Knowshon” will be the new “Michael.”
Co-Name of the Week: SEC West (By Brady)Presenting: Co-Eric Riley, WR, Mississippi State Bulldogs:
The Co-Winner of this week's SEC Name of the Week is none other than our old friend
Co-Eric McKenny Riley. Co-Eric is a co-starter who, along with
Eric "Don't Call Me Co, Ho" Butler, co-leads the Bulldogs in receiving yards and touchdowns.
Unfortunately, his co-dependence on State's co-quarterback,
Co-llarbones of Steel Henig, has led to a co-llapse of his stats. Nonetheless, Co-Eric is reportedly co-ntent with sharing his moniker with other Erics.
Of course, he could have been
beaten like a blind double-amputee like another co-quarterback, who also has a penchant for being a
co-conspirator in various crimes.
UPDATE: Other, similarly reliable sources claim this had something to do with MMA fighters. In related news, an anonymous source tells us that Baton Rouge is stockpiling weapons of mass destruction.
