Ryan Perriloux, Gentleman Scholar

UPDATE: Other, similarly reliable sources claim this had something to do with MMA fighters. In related news, an anonymous source tells us that Baton Rouge is stockpiling weapons of mass destruction.

Here at CWATCF, we hold ourselves to the high journalistic standards espoused by the New York Times and Judy Miller -- we only deal in wild, lightly-sourced rumor and innuendo if it's really interesting. This email indicates Ryan Perriloux may not win those three Heismans after all. Matt Flynn's job is looking a little safer. From Reader Thick Vic:

Here is the scoop........it is more than a bar brawl ... a real good friend of mine who is the manager of the Varsity in Baton Rouge sent me a text of a great story from last night. Marlon Favorite's rap group had a concert there last night and apparently
Derrick Odom got into a bar fight with the bouncers at the Varsity.

When the fight was sent outside, a brawl broke out and Ryan Perriloux was spotted pulling a gun on someone and it is on camera. Alex Loomis, whose dad is the GM of the Saints (Mickey Loomis) is a bouncer at the Varsity. When he went to his car at about 3:30 AM, four guys in mask saw him in a Varsity shirt and went after him.

They tried to get in his car and when they couldn't, they started to kick it and beat it.
Supposedly, Odom broke the window of the car with the handle of the gun. Most of this was caught on film and lots of football players were involved because they all went to see Favorite. Xavier Carter was also somehow involved in the incident and Glenn Dorsey is on film, but was not involved in any altercations. Mickey Loomis is suppose to meet with Les Miles and Skip Bertman on Monday and going after the football team pretty hard.

My friend that manages the place saw most of this take place and said he has never been so scared in his life. Supposedly the players were threatening to burn the place down or shoot everyone at the bar. Some have tried to post the incident on
Tigerdroppings.com and Tigerbait.com, but they get pulled off immediately. Take this for what it is worth, but it is coming directly from a friend of mine that manages the Varsity and was there.


Where You Can Go, And What You Can Do With Yourself: Halloween Edition

Happy Halloween, Ladies:

Each Wednesday, we'll provide you with gratuitous pictures of breasts (because that's totally original and no other blog has ever done it), links to our favorite stuff, and a rundown of posting for the next week.

Email us with your tips at cwatcf@gmail.com, and we'll post 'em right up.


Friday: Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin': A Cook's Guide to the Ladies
Monday: SEC Names of The Week: Nov. 5 Edition
Wednesday: The 11 Most Evil SEC College Football Coaches: #11-9


And On The Eighth Day ...
This college football TV auto-scheduler may be the single coolest thing the internets have produced since freely available naked ladies. Enter your preferences, pick your teams, and BAM, it's on your Google Calendar. You may also enjoy the accompanying Vegas spreads, Degenerate Readers.
Why We Hate Them, Pt. 1
Notre Dame will be receiving $1.3 million to not play in a BCS bowl. That figure seems a bit on the low side. Chocolate is not getting any cheaper!
Pretty Sure You Can't Say That, Pt. 1
BBC says black people are difficult to see in the dark. Suggests they smile more.
Poor Business Decisions, Pt. 1

Bolivian prostitutes protest by sewing their lips together.
No, Not Those Lips You Perverts
All you never wanted to know about botched hoo-ha surgery. Ladies, I'm sure you look perfectly normal. I mean really, not unusual or weird in any way. They're probably supposed to look exactly like that. Don't give it a second thought.

THINGS WE HATE (updated weekly)

Remember Girls: The sluttier the outfit, the more attention you will get! So follow your psychiatrist's orders and boost that self esteem! SHOW YOUR TITS! SHOW YOUR TITS!

See you on Frenchmen Street!


Things We Hate: Compiled

  1. Boston
  2. FEMA
  3. Texas
  4. Buying Enron instead of Google
  5. Tom Fitzmorris, New Orleans Fatass
  6. New England Patriots
  7. Stewart Mandel. Is this universal?
  8. Uppity valets. Bitch got what was coming to him.
  9. Brad Lidge, traded outside of Albert Pujols' division.
  10. Creationists. I want to believe.
  11. Sean Taylor's death. (Also see: Things We Love #10).
  12. Failed NFL coaches coming back to NCAA.
  13. Weather update cut-ins during football games.
  14. Kirk Herbstreit. Especially his feeble attempts at journalism.
  15. The NFL Network. Seriously, drop it already.

Things We Love: Compiled

  1. Playing With Fire!
  2. Lil' Weezy
  3. Nick Saban Losing
  4. Glavine. Tommy Glavine. Atlanta Brave, Tommy Glavine.
  5. Gardner Webb.
  6. Mark Mangino.
  7. Keg Arcades
  8. Rice's Marching Owl Band.
  9. Top 25 Drinking Quotes.
  10. Joe Gibbs's Cynicism in drafting LaRon Landry.
  11. God raining bear-maulings on the hataz.
  12. Joe Gibbs, memorializing Sean Taylor by shooting himself in the foot. RIP, Sean!
  13. Charlie Weis joining the Committee for People With Intellectual Disabilities.


SEC Football Names of the Week: Introduction

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

As a public service, we've identified the most prevalent types of moron-names.

1. No, It's Pronounced Koooooontz

Oh, Jim Bob Cooter, you never had a chance. With this sort of an all-timer, naming the poor kid Sue would be redundant. Funny surnames are always good for a few giggles, but shouldn’t we refrain from mocking someone just because great-great-great grandaddy happened to hail from Berwickshire? Answer: No. Changing one’s name is a constitutional right, freely available at age 18. Any abuse Kyle Sackrider takes from here on out is his own damn fault.

2. Being Named "Tom Cruise" Used To Be Awesome

Having a Celebrity-Sound-Alike name is often pure, dumb luck. Sure, Colin Ferrell turned out to be an amusing name, but how could his parents have known? Naming your kid Richie Rich, however, takes balls.

3. It’s Funny ‘Cause It’s Not Amerkun

Question for Sen. Tancredo: Assuming we build this wall (with, Duncan Hunter willing, an accompanying crocodile moat), where will we get our Karibi Dedes from?

4. "Stephanie" Is A Lovely Name, But Why Don't We Spell It With An "F," A "U," And Two "E"s

When human beings no longer have to worry about food and shelter, they begin to produce music, art, etc. When human beings only have to worry about mortgages and minivans, they begin to produce retarded variations on perfectly good baby names. The formula? (Name) - I +Y = Originality. Or something. Fuck you, Pryce.

5. That's Adorable, Now Add A "Ja-" To The Front And "-quarius" To The Back

There's a racial and cultural divide that leaves many of us wondering if it's politically correct to laugh at these names. It is -- see #4. The elements are the same in both cases: 1) overworked, tired nurses 2) lack of a basic ability to spell 3) moron parents 4) a burning desire for a "unique name." Put in a pot, stir; out comes DeQuinTavius. Or Chrystyn.

Thanks to the amazing success of No Child Left Behind, we can look forward to many more brats named LaQuintisius, Haynk, Jamarcus, or Jennyfer. And we can laugh at them. Moronames, like Stephen Colbert, do not see color.

6. The "Special" Category

Child Services should really use this as a sting operation: If you name your child after a fruit, a baseball field, or god forbid a shitty sports network, you are clearly unfit to be a parent.

New Mother: "I would like to name him "Pringles."
Nurse: "Well, that's very pretty. One moment, please."
[cut to black helicopters]

In the event your child survives the obligatory 18 years of savage beatings to play in the SEC, we'll be happy to feature him here.

Name of the Week: SEC East

Introducing: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia Bulldogs

Belford, NJ; early on the morning of July 16, 1987.

Nurse: “And what do you want to name your new baby?”
Mother: [woozy from painkillers and slurring her words] “Sean.”
Nurse: “Shane?”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Nurse: “Shaw?”
Mother: “No. Sean.”
Nurse: “Knowshon?”
Mother: “NO. Sean.”
Nurse: “Are you sure?”
Mother: “Yes, dammit!”
Nurse: “Shit, lady. Whatever you want, I just work here. Knowshon it is.”

And thus, a legend was born. In the event he continues to play like this, he’ll have the opportunity to pull a Travis Henry and spawn little Knowshon Juniors in various NFL cities.

By 2020, “Knowshon” will be the new “Michael.”

Co-Name of the Week: SEC West (By Brady)

Presenting: Co-Eric Riley, WR, Mississippi State Bulldogs:

The Co-Winner of this week's SEC Name of the Week is none other than our old friend Co-Eric McKenny Riley. Co-Eric is a co-starter who, along with Eric "Don't Call Me Co, Ho" Butler, co-leads the Bulldogs in receiving yards and touchdowns.

Unfortunately, his co-dependence on State's co-quarterback, Co-llarbones of Steel Henig, has led to a co-llapse of his stats. Nonetheless, Co-Eric is reportedly co-ntent with sharing his moniker with other Erics.

Of course, he could have been beaten like a blind double-amputee like another co-quarterback, who also has a penchant for being a co-conspirator in various crimes.

42-30: Wherein We Rub Your Nose In It

It's hard to gloat over a single victory when you've been thoroughly dominated for the better part of two decades ... but since Mark Richt said it was okay:

Regardless, it's good to see that Florida fans are handling this with class and decorum.


Hello, Dear Readers ...

So, as Blog Founder, I picked our pseudonyms (names of former ND "stars," in keeping with the blog theme). Sorry 'bout the namesake, Brady (pictured, right):

I'd like to note that when I showed this picture to a female Notre Dame graduate, the actual-not-making-this-up response was "So? That's normal, right? Isn't that just the kind of thing guys do?"

I suppose we've pinpointed the reason for those recruiting problems.

Anyway, it's introduction time, so here are some fun facts about me:

  • I'm a native of southwest Georgia, which explains my dislike of brown people affinity for pecans. Since high school, I have resided in various locales up and down the Mississippi -- sort of like a modern day Huck Finn, but without all the rafting.
  • Only one of the cities I've lived in has been the subject of a major natural disaster.
  • I currently live in Chicago. It is cold. It is windy. Ohio State/Notre Dame/Minnesota fans live here. Counterpoint: hurricanes are rare on Lake Michigan.
  • As of last week, I was under the impression that I was a mere 5'8.75" tall, but a recent doctor's visit has proven my actual height to be 5'9.5." CDC studies show that the average male height is 5'9.2." This makes me .3" huge.
  • Georgia Bulldogs fan. I only woof a) when attending games or b) at sports bars when hammered. I do not own, nor have I ever owned, jorts.
  • I have a fish. His name is Eli.
  • To quote Tom Wolfe, "a liberal is a conservative who has been arrested." My time in jail was difficult, but I took away some valuable life lessons. 1) Snitches is bitches. 2) Forgetting to carry your auto insurance card is not technically a crime, but officers will detain you if you neglect to bring proof of it to the city courthouse within thirty days. It was a very long fifty-three minutes, and I have an enlightened political philosophy to show for it.
  • I like to cook. I fancy myself to be pretty decent at it. Kind of like Rachel Ray, but without all the energy and foul language.
We'll be back on Monday.

Brady Quin checking in

...and yes the spelling is intentional. If you don't already know, don't ask. Anyway, I'm not really sure how I got stuck being the alter-ego of a metrosexual (and probably homosexual) pine-riding crybaby "quarterback," but such is life. Incidentally, the fact that Brady Quinn has a first-class seat on the football log with the CLEVELAND BROWNS, of all teams, should attest to his mad football skillz.

Politically speaking, I was a fascistly-inclined conservative when I lived in New Orleans, according to the Chocolate City Rules of Politics (C. Ray Nagin, Lifetime Chair). However, moving to Jackson, Mississippi has made me realize that I am actually quite the moderate. Because my house only sports two Confederate flags (and my car none), along with zero swastikas, I am practically "one of them damn illitrit forriners" trying to let in illegal immigrants while supporting flag burning, gay marriage, and gun control. And mandatory abortions.

Foodwise, I'm fat and I like to eat. A lot. This may come as a surprise, as fat people are not generally known for liking food, but rules were made to be broken. In fact, I'm eating right now.

I also appreciate the fairer sex and have been known to dabble in a bit of papparazzi over the years. Highlights to cum. (YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!11 Porn talk! Everybody loves it!)

First Post

Greetings, one and all. We are Charlie Weis and the Chocolate Factory, and we intend to bring a little love into your lives. Posts will be on the following topics.

  1. Sports: By sports we mean college football, and by college football we mean the SEC. Discussion of the Big Ten will be complimentary, yet likely not complimentary. Discussion of Fatty McEatsalot and The Emu is inevitable.
  2. Politics: Our proprietors include one Pinko Liberal and one Knuckle-Dragging Conservative. Expect fun point/counterpoints like "Abortion: Devil's Handiwork or Happy Fun Time?" With the 2008 elections on the way, our goal is to make this your one-stop voting guide.
  3. Food: And who doesn't like to eat? Perhaps we'll post our very most favorite recipes; maybe you'll get reviews of various fine dining establishments around Chicago, and, um, bumfuck Mississippi.
We'll be posting Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and/or when we goddam well please. We look forward to sharing our brilliance with you.



CWATCF is proud to feature the following products, all of which are sure to win you the respect and admiration of hot members of the opposite sex. Most are available in a full range of M/F styles. Click on the image to buy or see the graphic on other products.

Class Is For Gators

*in reference to this.

Got Nutt?
*also comes in various non-thong forms (including teddy bears!)

49/50 States Agree: Texas Sucks