A Little Somethin'-Somethin'

Hola, lectores de mi blog -- just an update on what next week's schedule looks like:

Monday: SEC Names Of The Week and CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide: Mike Huckabee
Wednesday: Where You Can Go And What You Can Do With Yourself
Friday: Eat, Pray, And Get Some Lovin'

In the meantime, here's how we've wasted our morning:

1. Two guys wheel corpse around town to cash checks ... wait a minute ... I'm pretty sure I've seen this movie before.
   
2. Jimmy Carter will be your next president ... if you get on your knees and ask him nicely.
3. But for that term limits thing, W would be running as a change agent.
4. Steven Leavitt (of Freakonomics fame) has spent the last two years studying hookers. Seriously.
5. St. Louis University's basketball team is rebounding under new coach Rick Majerus. Mostly because they can't shoot for shit.
6. We highly recommend that you check this out. We'll miss you, Cultural Oddsmaker.
7. Kyle over at Dawg Sports does a little gloating from his high horse.
8. We are enjoying this EDSBS series. Schadenfreude!
9. A fairly reasoned article on why the SEC is not far and away the best conference in America ... and all we can hear is "blah blah blah blah blah."
10. The only time we'll ever link to a video featuring a floppy penis, we promise. Soccer streaker's night ends poorly.

A Response To Our Critics: Big Ten Edition

So we've been getting a lot of crap in our comments and email lately about two things:

1. Our contention that Michigan State girls are trashy sloots.
2. The fact that we intensely dislike the Big Ten and its fan base, and that we think the conference sucks donkey balls. We've been called narrow-minded, ignorant, and unfair, as well as a number of other vulgar and/or poorly spelled things.

On the first point we invite you to decide for yourself. As for the second, well, we'd just like to point out that we're not the only ones that feel that way.

No, seriously, it appears that Big Ten animosity runs wide and deep. To hell with the Southern Strategy -- if the GOP runs on an anti-Tressel platform, Hilbama can kiss the White House goodbye.

Update: Ohio State loses their "The."

Perhaps We Can Stop Hearing About Ohio State Now?

We might as well turn this one over to Dan Shanoff at Deadspin -- rarely have we seen a post that we agree with so completely. It wasn't the vaunted SEC speed that carried the day, but a simple talent advantage and a few timely coaching adjustments. The better team won, but we can't shake the feeling that we didn't see LSU give better than a B+ level performance this season.

Somehow this all leaves us a bit unsatisfied. After the most exciting college football season we can remember, the title game seemed a bit anticlimactic ... and todays polls don't help that feeling. Ohio State at #5, UGA and USC splitting the #2 spot ... does anyone really feel like we saw the best two teams play last night? Not surprisingly, we're already hearing calls for a playoff. We happen to think UGA president Michael Adams is an assclown (and that 8 teams is far too expansive a field), but at the very least a plus one would be a nice step in the right direction.

Anyway, at least one thing was definitively settled last night: Jamarcus Russell is the greatest dresser in the history of clothing.

SEC Names Of The Week: National Championship Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will. Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Names of the Week:

After the Fiesta Bowl's exhibition of Dingle-Berry on national television, we're feeling a bit inadequate. This week's names both come from the only SEC team still playing, your LSU Tigers.

T-Bob Hebert, C

Due to its potpourri of culture and 49th-ranked education system, Louisiana is a target-rich environment for SEC NOTW ... and judging by the picture above, T-Bob is, um, an easy target. God bless the Cajuns.

Early Doucet, WR

For some reason this name doesn't seem particularly ridiculous at first glance. Then you realize that Early's mother chose to name her child an adverb.

Perhaps he was a preemie? I'm sure Early's teammate's mother is jealous.

Hillary Clinton: CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders.

In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

Hillary Clinton: Ohio State Buckeyes

Sigh. The "inevitability" candidates. Everybody knew coming into 2007 that Ohio State and Hillary were safe bets for the Big Dance in '08 ... and exactly nobody was particularly excited about this. Clinton's early money advantage seemed dispositive, as did the Buckeyes' lineup of Big Ten patsies. God, was this really going to happen?

It's hard to think of two entities that would draw higher "general unfavorables" in a national poll. Notre Dame? Bin Laden? W? The problem is sorting out how much of this antipathy is deserved, and how much is unjust. We have neither the blog space nor the inclination to sort out the Clinton-hate of the 90s. At this point, you all know her and you've made up your mind (or you're terrified of Howard Wolfson and will do whatever he tells you to do). Nor do we care to rehash last year's debacle of a National Cham ... hahahahahaha who are we kidding? 41-14, bitches! But the point stands: sure, Hillary is abrasive, robotic, and non-feminine, and Tressel is a cheater with a boring playbook and a sweatervest ... but should we hate them? Do Tressel's accomplishments outweigh his bland, efficient manner and tendency to backdoor his way into big games? Do Hillary's (sometimes unsuccessful) policy initiatives while first lady, Senatorial background, and general comfort with the Washington machine outweigh Monica (Republican laugh line: nothing could outweigh Monica)?

The answer? Among the voting public, who the hell knows. Hillary has gotten a bigger challenge than expected from Obama (and Edwards?), much like Ohio State's choke at Illinois -- remember that at the time, everyone thought that loss would knock them out of the BCS championship game.

We'll see if Hillary can pull off the Ohio State road-to-redemption and roll into the general. Oh, she'd better win Iowa. And if she doesn't win Iowa, she'd better win NH. But would a loss in either sink her battleship? Um ... maybe? She's better organized than anyone on a national scale, and she -- unlike the other frontrunners -- is on the ballot in Michigan and Florida.

CWATCF Prediction:

Second in Iowa to Obama (and damn, she better not come in third), first in NH. If this happens, the technical term for the Democratic primaries becomes "clusterfuck." The question then becomes whether a black man (or a Clinton) can really win in South Carolina. Our guess is that Obama's Iowa victory gives him enough momentum to be a clear frontrunner heading into the second big round of primaries. Watch for the Clinton thugs (Mark Penn, that's you!) to pull out the long knives if that happens.

How To Win With Class: Sugar Bowl Edition

41-10! Colt Brennan a quivering pile of mush! Knowshon!



Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof ... [pant] ... woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof ... [gasp] ... woof woof woof woof! Woof!


Your tears feed our soul. Thank you, and we'll be taking your coconuts now. Black jerseys, baby.

How To Form A Rooting Interest: The Lesser Of Two ...

Three years ago I was a rabid SEC fan, but with a fairly limited football world view. Didn't know about Big Ten football; didn't care. I mean total ambivalence -- I couldn't have located the state of Indiana on a map, nor did I care to.

And then I moved to Chicago. Christ, the pasty-white, sweatpants-wearing Big Ten sorority girls practically ooze from the cracks in the sidewalk ... and they all want to tell you about the amazing traditions at Notre Dame, Minnesota's great rivalries, or how lightning fast Ohio State really is. Big Ten bars litter the street corners, and it's damn hard to find decent football (read: SEC) on their tee-vees because the Iowa frat boys need three screens in order to watch their thrilling matchup with mighty Northwestern. Without exception, they're incredibly self-righteous and objectively wrong.

So now I run a Notre Dame/Big Ten hate site (still waiting for the official designation from the SPLC). Last night I pulled for Tommy Tuberville -- without remorse. Today I plan to root for Phil "Bacon" Fulmer. I will not lose sleep over this. I will watch every Big Ten game (exception: Illinois) with malevolence in my heart. And god willing, in 2008, I will no longer have to hear about how great a coach Kirk Ferentz is.

Today's Schedule

10:00 Bacon v. Big Ten Assholes
12:00 Florida v. Big Ten Assholes
3:30 Zooker! (unlike Swindle, we actually love the Zooker)
7:30 Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof!