2.26.2008

Georgia v. Tennessee: The Coming Land War

Time to oil up your firearms, folks -- as you may have heard, Georgia is in the midst of an unprecedented drought. In the event the Jesus doesn't make it rain soon, Atlanta residents may have to plant cacti on their sprawling front lawns.

Anyway, the Georgia legislature has come up with a novel solution -- redraw the state's borders to include some of Tennessee's water supply.

Needless to say, the orange-wearing hillbilly trash have met this with protests ... and taunts, like this one from Chattanooga's mayor:

WHEREAS, it has come to pass that the heavens are shut up and a drought of Biblical proportions has been visited upon the Southern United States, and

WHEREAS, the parched and dry conditions have weighed heavily upon the State of Georgia and sorely afflicted those who inhabit the Great City of Atlanta, and

WHEREAS, the leaders of Georgia have assembled like the Children of Israel in the desert, grumbled among themselves and have begun to cast longing eyes toward the north, coveting their neighbor’s assets, and

WHEREAS, the lack of water has led some misguided souls to seek more potent refreshment or for other reasons has resulted in irrational and outrageous actions seeking to move a long established and peaceful boundary, and

WHEREAS, it is deemed better to light a candle than curse the darkness, and better to offer a cool, wet kiss of friendship rather than face a hot and angry legislator gone mad from thirst, and

Whereas, it is feared that if today they come for our river, tomorrow they might come for our Jack Daniels or George Dickel,

NOW THEREFORE, In the interest of brotherly love, peace, friendship, mutual prosperity, citywide self promotion, political grandstanding and all that,

I Ron Littlefield, Mayor of the City of Chattanooga, Tennessee,

Do hereby Proclaim that Wednesday, February 27, 2008 shall be known as “Give Our Georgia Friends a Drink Day”
Asshole. As a Georgia native, I'm excited about the prospect of an invasion. If drafted, I will serve, and god willing I'll be the man who gets to shell Neyland Stadium. But if things go south, I'm going to need to search damn hard for the motivation to defend Atlanta.

4 comments:

Anderson said...

While I generally hate Georgia and Tennessee equally(and their respective football programs), I'm going to have to back Tennessee on this one. Given the choice between the people of Atlanta being thirsty and Tennessee running short on their distillery water for my Jack Daniels, I say "Bring on the General Sherman of droughts!"

Irons said...

I'm happy to switch to Beam. Other than Jack Daniels, name me one positive thing that state has ever given the world.

Anderson said...

The same could be said for Georgia. Last I checked, tourists aren't exactly flocking to see Stone Mountain.

Irons said...

Bite me.

When we re-open Andersonville Prison, your head is going on a pike.