The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.
Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.
Lazarius Levingston, DE, LSU Tigers
Pregnant Mother: Lazarus.
Father: Oh yeah?
Pregnant Mother: Dude was a bad mofo. Hung with JC.
Father: Rose from the dead.
Pregnant Mother: Lazarus. Lazarus. How's that for our boy?
Father: I like the name. Lazarus. But it's a bit boring.
Pregnant Mother: Yeah.
Father: Shit needs zing.