The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.
Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.
Forress Rayford, CB, Alabama Crimson Tide
As a product of semi-rural Georgia, I grew up among many kids named Jackson, Jefferson, and Lee (and one who notably had the middle name of Stonewall), but --shockingly, I know -- very few named Lincoln and Sherman. I prefer to think that these names are inoffensive, and more about regional pride than race, but feel free to disagree.
Forrest, on the other hand ... well, that's about race. You just don't name your child after the founder of the Klan if you don't hate brown people. I mean, do you give the family who names their kid "Adolf" a free pass because they "just thought it was a pretty name"?
Anyway, none of this is to imply that Forress or his parents are racists. "Forrest," after all, has a "t" and only one "s." Instead, Forress is living proof that the inability to spell names on a birth is not the sole province of uneducated minorities. Nor is playing cornerback in the SEC! With his name and position, Forress is a groundbreaking leader, shattering racial stereotypes left and right. Before long, white males will be dunking basketballs, riding camels, and doing math above grade level! Forress' parents likely didn't have a dream, because they were barely sentient mongoloids. But being descended from retards hasn't stopped this privileged white male from breaking the bonds of racism and attaining his rightful place in society -- not separate, simply equal.
Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you Forress Rayford, the first recipient of the annual CWATCF & Martin Luther King, Jr "We Shall Overcome" Award.