Site Changes

Some of you may have noticed the new box (top right) entitled "Irons' List Of Links." Via the magic of Google Reader, we'll be able to instantly share all of the crap that's currently amusing us. We find this to be a much more convenient alternative to the ubiquitous "links post," though major developments will obviously still merit their own post.

Naturally, this won't keep us from posting pictures of liberated, successful women.

thanks to Poon of the SEC

And hell, we'll probably still throw up a few links from time to time ... like this beaut (via Deadspin) featuring the mighty Manatee Community College playing the Pittsburgh Pirates in a spring training tuneup. Surprising no one, the Manatees held the Buccos scoreless over the last 8 innings of the game. Did we mention that there was a 20 MPH wind blowing out to right? If you're one of the few remaining Pirates fans, now might be a good time to consider ritual suicide.

Oh, and there's this little gem, which can also be filed under "utterly unsurprising." Turns out, rugrats don't make you happy, and childless people have lives that are at least as fulfilling as Darren McFadden's. And, as the article notes, "they sure do have more money to squander as they try to pursue what happiness they can and strive to somehow fill up their allegedly empty lives."

Georgia v. Tennessee: The Coming Land War

Time to oil up your firearms, folks -- as you may have heard, Georgia is in the midst of an unprecedented drought. In the event the Jesus doesn't make it rain soon, Atlanta residents may have to plant cacti on their sprawling front lawns.

Anyway, the Georgia legislature has come up with a novel solution -- redraw the state's borders to include some of Tennessee's water supply.

Needless to say, the orange-wearing hillbilly trash have met this with protests ... and taunts, like this one from Chattanooga's mayor:

WHEREAS, it has come to pass that the heavens are shut up and a drought of Biblical proportions has been visited upon the Southern United States, and

WHEREAS, the parched and dry conditions have weighed heavily upon the State of Georgia and sorely afflicted those who inhabit the Great City of Atlanta, and

WHEREAS, the leaders of Georgia have assembled like the Children of Israel in the desert, grumbled among themselves and have begun to cast longing eyes toward the north, coveting their neighbor’s assets, and

WHEREAS, the lack of water has led some misguided souls to seek more potent refreshment or for other reasons has resulted in irrational and outrageous actions seeking to move a long established and peaceful boundary, and

WHEREAS, it is deemed better to light a candle than curse the darkness, and better to offer a cool, wet kiss of friendship rather than face a hot and angry legislator gone mad from thirst, and

Whereas, it is feared that if today they come for our river, tomorrow they might come for our Jack Daniels or George Dickel,

NOW THEREFORE, In the interest of brotherly love, peace, friendship, mutual prosperity, citywide self promotion, political grandstanding and all that,

I Ron Littlefield, Mayor of the City of Chattanooga, Tennessee,

Do hereby Proclaim that Wednesday, February 27, 2008 shall be known as “Give Our Georgia Friends a Drink Day”

Asshole. As a Georgia native, I'm excited about the prospect of an invasion. If drafted, I will serve, and god willing I'll be the man who gets to shell Neyland Stadium. But if things go south, I'm going to need to search damn hard for the motivation to defend Atlanta.

SEC Name Of The Week: Feb. 26 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Name of the Week:

Lazarius Levingston, DE, LSU Tigers

Pregnant Mother: You know who I like in the Bible?

Father: Who?

Pregnant Mother: Lazarus.

Father: Oh yeah?

Pregnant Mother: Dude was a bad mofo. Hung with JC.

Father: Rose from the dead.

Pregnant Mother: Lazarus. Lazarus. How's that for our boy?

Father: I like the name. Lazarus. But it's a bit boring.

Pregnant Mother: Yeah.

Father: Shit needs zing.

Apologies In Advance

So it’s the offseason, and we ain’t got shit to do, right?

Look, we apologize for the lack of college football content on the site recently. Recruiting just isn’t our thing, and we have trouble getting all excited for winter practices or even the spring games. The niche that we enjoy the most (arrests and other bad behavior by athletes) has been filled. As most of you have doubtless figured out, a significant portion of our pleasure from watching college football is derived from watching institutions that we can’t stand lose in particularly humiliating fashion. It’s hard to get that sort of feeling from an intrasquad game (“Red totally crushed those Black losers hahahahahha”), so unless Jimmy Clausen blows an ACL or Tennessee gets the death penalty ... well, call us in August.

So how do we fill our time from February to July? Working in soup kitchens, building homes for the poor, spending time with our loved ones college baseball.

Yes, as Brady has already pointed out, this is one college sport that our undergraduate institution can compete in. For those of you who don’t know, Tulane’s baseball program is one of the best in the nation, regularly appearing in Omaha for the College World Series (please, please don’t ask how we’ve done once we’ve gotten there). Coached by the highly regarded Rick Jones, the team has produced talents by the name of Sutter, Aubrey, Gautreau, and Owings. Sure, you may only recognize that last name, but our stud draftees have had some bad luck with injuries of late. You’ll see more Tulane grads in the majors in the very near future, rest assured.

At Tulane, students spend a significant portion of spring at the park, knocking back cold ones and yelling the Hullabaloo (below) after each minor on-field success. It’s a pretty good way to spend a lazy spring day.

A One, A Two,
A Helluva
Hullabaloo
A Hullabaloo
Ray Ray
A Hullabaloo
Ray Ray
Hooray
Hooray
Vars Vars Tee Ay
Tee Ay, Tee Ay
Vars Vars Tee Ay
Tulane!

Yeah, it’s a silly cheer, but it becomes much more coherent after downing a flask of Jack. Our point is that baseball is one of the things we love about the school and New Orleans, and we aren’t alone. Tulane draws some of the largest crowds in the nation, and has a bitter instate rivalry with the Louisiana State Cheating Tiger team and its incompetent coaching staff. This year is especially exciting, featuring a new stadium and a number of high profile transfers.

And yes, this is all justification for the amount of time we’re about to spend talking about it.

Deal with it, people.

Obligatory Baseball Post

Baseball. The one sport in which an expensive private school full of white people can excel! No. 22 Tulane swept the Illinois-Chicago Flames! YESSS! And LSU lost! And the Green Wave opened a new stadium!

Hairy Dawg

We've said it before, and we'll say it again: T. Kyle King has the best facial hair of all time:

Let's see Swindle pull that off.

Birthday Wishes And Some Other Crap

We'd like to extend some very happy birthday wishes to CWATCF co-proprietor Anderson.


We sincerely hope that Anderson gets to enjoy the company of someone as smokin' hot as the lovely Mia. Remember to tip well, Anderson, and please teach her how to use a belt properly.

1. We are obsessed with this site. We've been sending greeting cards nonstop for three days.

2. Did McCain put his wrinkled, limp old man penis in this lobbyist? Probably, but only because his wife was stoned out of her gourd on painkillers ... that takes all the sport out of sex.

3. Yahoo Sports (via the Wiz) confirms what we have all long known: Tressel and Weis are giant cheaty-pants.

4. Alabama superstud recruit Julio Jones is the star witness in a murder trial ... that can't be good, right?

SEC Name Of The Week: February 19 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Name of the Week:

Prechae Rodriguez, WR, Auburn Tigers

What. The. Hell.

Most strange names that we run across in our efforts at NOTW are variations of mainstream names. Examples from the Auburn football roster:

Zach = Zac
Aaron = Aairon
Trey = Tray
Cody = Kodi

Prechae, on the other hand, bears no relation to any known combination of letters found in the English language. How could something like this find its way onto a birth certificate?

1) Parents are learned classical scholars, and "Prechae" has some sort of Latin root.
2) His parents actually followed the monkeys-at-a-typewriter approach to naming children.
3) Most likely? Yes, his parents are retards, but at least they're creative retards.

Door, Meet Ass

Happy trails, Ryan -- hope to see you starting for Tulane in '09!

Again, we really want to know what happened ... please flood our inbox with speculation.

UPDATE: Now from reputable news sources!

Ryan Perrilloux, Gentleman Scholar: Part II

Our blog does two things quite well: 1) Bash Notre Dame and 2) Report unsubstantiated rumors as fact. This is a non-Notre Dame post.

You may remember our good friend and LSU quarterback Ryan Perriloux. Since joining the team, Ryan has been noted for his extensive community service, focus on academics, and high character federal money laundering and brandishing weaponry in public. This week, rumors are running wild that Perrilloux may have finally worn out his welcome in Baton Rouge:

Due to an ongoing dispute between Perrilloux's mother and LSU -- potentially stemming from Ryan's mother trying to shake down the school -- the projected starting quarterback has cleaned out his locker and left the team. Perrilloux reportedly missed a team meeting this week, but his absence is clouded by reports that Perrilloux was attending his father's funeral.

We hear that Ryan has a list of rules that he must follow in order to keep himself in good standing with Les Miles and the program (these presumably don't include anything about assault or counterfeiting). Supposedly he broke several of them this week, but what we don't know is which ones. Feel free to speculate in the comments.

Self-Loathing, Brady Quinn Style

Due to the focus of our blog, we suppose we have to mention this:

Quinn was part of a group of men shouting insults at gay passers-by outside a Columbus bar early on New Year's Day, according to a 9-1-1 call made to police. The call at 2:35 a.m. came from Seth Harris, who reported that he encountered the group in front of La Fogata Grill... The Mexican restaurant is next door to ... one of Columbus' most popular gay bars in the gay-friendly Short North neighborhood.

On the 9-1-1 call, Harris said that "Brady Quinn from the Browns" was "trying to cause a fight." Harris told the operator, "I just walked outside and he exchanged many profanities with me and called me a faggot, of course."

Sigh. Fresh on the heels of this commercial, one would think he would be a bit more reserved:



The folks over at KSK have some Valentines' Day wishes for Mr. Quinn.

Thoughts On Signing Day

We have a very difficult time getting excited about National Signing Day.

It's not that we think that recruiting, or even the associated rankings are totally worthless. We even enjoy, on occasion, the tasteless gloating that accompanies the release of said rankings.

Look, we know recruiting is the cornerstone of a program. Player aptitude is obviously the most important factor in a team's success, and it behooves a coach to devote as many resources to the selection and wooing process as possible. However, the kids are kids -- they're neither physically nor emotionally mature at 18, and there's no telling what the weight room or the classroom will do to them. We're just not that interesting in watching grainy videos and poring over 40-yard dash times for skinny kids that may or may not ever see the field.

Remember that these rankings are all based on subjective impressions (and, of course, near-meaningless stats like height/weight/40). The greater national focus on recruiting (by media and fans) means that rankings should be more and more accurate each year, but they're still, at best, rough approximations. If your team's within 15 spots of where you think they should be, they're probably okay.

Anyway, we generally spend ten minutes or less on the whole deal. Here's what we look at:

1. Does a teams recruiting ranking roughly correlate (within 10 or 15 spots) with its level of success over the previous two or three years?
This isn't complicated -- if you can't leverage success on the field into new, quality players, you're not going to continue to be successful. Rivals has a respectable showing from this year's Cinderellas -- Missouri and Kansas -- but Louisville is at #55, West Virginia at #44, and ... Tennessee at #35?! Oh, this should be delicious.

On the flip side, if you a coach can pull a good class while losing (in SEC parlance, that's called "Zooking"), it gives your program a glimmer of hope. Miami, 'Bama, and Colorado seem to have drawn good crops.

2. Do teams that are national powers and are in good locations rank in the top 15?
If you're a major state university from (or bordering) California, Florida, Texas, or Louisiana, you can fall off a log and be in the top 15. There are two reasons for this: 1) The volume of quality athletes in those states is greater and 2) When a national power recruits a kid, his star rating usually rises (this isn't totally nonsensical, given the limited information available to recruiting services, but still explains a lot). With those built-in advantages, it makes sense that Rivals has FSU at #8 and Miami at #4. Texas at #14 has to raise a few eyebrows, though.

3. Where did the big few go?
Where will Terrell Pryor sign? Julio Jones to 'Bama? Eww. Even the high-end guys aren't sure things -- remember FSU's score of the top two QBs in the nation a few years back? You may have forgotten their names -- Joe Mauer catches baseballs for the Twins now, and Adrian McPherson was playing in Canada last we heard. That said, top-flight recruits are a safer bet than the rest, and we find reading about them to be a nice way to balance our love of college football with our sanity. We are very excited about Georgia's acquisition of tall, speedy WR A.J. Green, for example.

Anyway, none of these viewpoints are new or groundbreaking, but we felt the need to explain why our coverage of recruiting has been minimal.

Now excuse us while we dig through some minor league baseball stats.

SEC Name Of The Week: Feb. 12 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them. For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC Name of the Week:

Zipp Duncan, OG, Kentucky Wildcats

There has to be a certain level of disappointment associated with naming your kid "Zipp," then finding out that Bill Curry wants him to gain 80 pounds and play guard in the SEC. Sort of like going with Louganis, then finding out that the little bastard is scared of the water and bangs chicks. And I just wanted him to butterfly!

Geez, People, We're Sorry

It's been a busy week, and we apologize for our sloth. We've been drinking heavily due to the elections, and it's not conducive to regular blogging. However, we'll be back in force this week. Look for SEC NOTW to return tomorrow alongside a rundown of our views on National Signing Day. We'll throw a recipe up for you at the end of the week, and some linky-wonderfulness along the way. Unless we get distracted by this week's Rock of Love II episode, that is. Those bitches are some serious skanks. Good TV, but serious, serious skanks.

Oddly enough, our hits have increased over the past week -- either you've really missed us, or you like us better when we STFU.

Other Topics, Timely Presented

Q: When is it NOT time for college football?

A: Presidential elections, the Super Bowl, earthquakes.

So, yeah, watch politics tonight and laugh at the Greatest Team Choke Job Ever. Here's a handy guide as to what to expect during Super Tuesday, and a couple reminders of the hilarious failings on Super Sunday.

Via Kissing Suzy Kolber

And what the hell -- for you single-minded non-voters, here's a rundown of the NCAAF recruiting classes for 2004.

Rudy Giuliani: CWATCF Primary Dropouts Guide

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders.

In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

Rudy Giuliani, Notre Dame Fightin' Irish

Some people don’t get to be president or coach Notre Dame because they’re poor, female, or black. Rudy Giuliani doesn’t get to be president because:

1. He ran a campaign that made Fred Thompson’s clown circus look positively competent – $50 million dollars spent, 1 delegate received. At that rate, he would have needed $60 billion to win.

2. He’s an asshole.

Seriously, read this Vanity Fair article, which focuses on Rudy's wife. It would be in the running for most vicious political hit piece of all time ... if it weren’t all true. Eleanor & Franklin the Giulianis are not.

The results were ugly, lopsided, and deserved. As former NYC mayor Ed Koch said, “The beast is dead.” Judging by Fat Charlie's reputation among Notre Dame alums, we'll see the same reaction after the Irish can his ass.

John Edwards: CWATCF Primary Dropouts Guide

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders.

In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

John Edwards, Louisville Cardinals

Coming off of a stellar showing in ’06, it appeared that Louisville had established themselves as a big time, Big East program. With stud QB Brian Brohm and a slew of offensive talent coming back, it looked like the Louisville – WVU game would determine the Big East champ, and perhaps vault the winner into the national championship game.

Similarly, most people figured Edwards was destined for a primary death match with Hillary Clinton. With his strong, populist message, a commitment to timely issues like Katrina and health care, and a hefty bank account, all of the elements were in place for a big-time run. Even the crappy stuff – Elizabeth’s illness and the hideous Coulter comments – seemed like it would garner him sympathy votes.

Like Louisville, though, success just never materialized. Strangely, this wasn’t due to flubs on the campaign trail or injuries – Edwards was largely mistake-free (aside from the horribly-handled “Breck girl” incident and the hedge fund nonsense), and Louisville’s stars stayed healthy for the majority of the season. For whatever reason, it just didn’t happen. All that promise led to nothing more than 6-6 and a campaign over before Super Tuesday.

That said, Louisville has a strong foundation in place, and is poised to be a player in the Big East for years to come. Edwards, likewise, has the power to reshape the 2008 race with an endorsement (Obama?), and can parlay that into all sorts of goodies: funding for his pet projects, a position as the most powerful Secretary of Labor we’ve seen in decades, or even an Attorney General role (that sound you hear is Republicans collectively crapping their pants).

Tennessee Crimivols Vie For Early Fulmer Cup Lead

Sunday Morning QB notes that Bacon and his gang of Merry Men have been causing some mischief:

Suspended, for the first two games in September, 26-year-old walk-on DB Vincent Faison, the fifth Tennessee player to "embarrass himself and his team" in less than a month since the end of the season with a DUI arrest over the weekend. The Vols are settling a startlingly consistent pace."

Anyway, "Bacon's Favorite JUCO," the Morgan County Correctional Facility, should be deep at the skill positions this year. On the down side, we have some concerns about their defensive front seven, which lacks both depth and experience. Until Demonte Bolden gets picked up for weed possession, that is.

For all of you lady Vol fans out there who would like to "make the boys' stay a bit more comfortable," we suggest contacting Joel over at Rocky Top Talk. He can probably make the proper arrangements.

UPDATE: Interesting sidenote -- if you Googlemap "prisons near knoxville" the second location you see is the University of Tennessee Career Services Office.

Georgia State Legislature Has Its Priorities In Line

On Friday, the Georgia State House passed a resolution urging the NCAA to enact a football playoff.

"The only sensible way to determine a national champion in any sport is to develop a playoff system that allows teams to meet on the field," the resolution reads. "The fans of college football deserve a true national champion to be crowned after winning the title on the field of play and not in a popularity poll."

Gratuitous Ohio State Bashing

Wherein Kyle speaks the truth:

Even though I knew the Buckeyes didn't deserve a spot in the national championship game, I still gave Ohio State too much credit. It isn't just that Jim Tressel's squad doesn't belong in a bowl game against an S.E.C. team---the 0-9 record speaks for itself---it's that the Buckeyes are very nearly as comparable to the Mountain West champion as they are to the Pac-10 champion.

Preach on, brother, preach on.

Bill Richardson: CWATCF Primary Dropouts Guide

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders.

In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

Bill Richardson, Texas Longhorns

Despite a record far outstripping any of the other candidates (Secretary of Energy, Governor of Arizona, Congressman, Ambassador to the U.N., consultant at Kissinger Associates, former minor league baseball player), it quickly became apparent that Richardson was completely out of his league.

Likewise, UT’s early victories got them a pretty ranking, but quite a few people noticed the narrow escapes at Rice and UCF. The loss to K-State, like Richardson's humiliating defeat in Iowa, caused the respective parties to crater in the polls. Still, both Richardson and the Longhorns somehow managed to keep this from becoming embarrassing -- a 10-3 record with a #10 ranking at least looks respectable, as does the Governor's 4th place showing in a stacked Democratic field.

The future? Well, Richardson's endorsement will carry some weight in the western states, and it’s not unlikely that he’ll be considered for the VP slot (biiiiiiiiiig mistake) or a hefty cabinet position. Likewise, the Longhorns have big things in front of them, and a Big 12 title isn’t out of reach in 2008.