Eat, Pray, And Get Some Lovin': Nov. 30 Edition

Each week, we’ll publish an idiot-proof recipe that’ll score you some ‘tang. In return, you’ll send us pictures of the classy ladies (which we’ll post) and let us know how you did. Note that this section is not for more accomplished chefs, but for morons who just want to convince ladies that they are accomplished chefs. Expect us to talk down to you.

For an overview of Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin', go here.

Step 1: Trick a young lady into coming to your abode.

Method of the week:

Step 2: Buy and prep ingredients.

Sometimes, spicing up a delivery meal with dessert is the best way to show off your cooking prowess. Today, we’ll need the following ingredients:

2 Honeycrisp Apples
-You can use any good baking apple in this recipe, but now is not the time to buy "red delicious," which are red but not delicious, or a Granny Smith.
-Honeycrisps are our favorites. Also look for Cortlands, Braeburns, Jonagold, or even Fuji apples in a pinch. -Buy the biggest, most symmetrical apples you can find.
-Wash well.
1 tsp. Cinnamon
-If you have a spice shop in the vicinity, this is one ingredient where it's nice to have a "good" variety around the house for preparations like this and sprinkling on ice cream.
Raisins
-We prefer the golden variety, but this is strictly a matter of personal choice.
-A small handful should be plenty.
1/2 cup Pecans
-Rinse, and break up with your hands. No piece should be larger than your pinkie nail.
1/4 cup Brown Sugar
2 tbs. Butter
Salt
-Everything you make, including desserts, needs seasoning to bring out its flavor. Salt is almost always mandatory, while pepper is a welcome addition to certain desserts.
Pepper
-A generous 2-3 grinds won't be overwhelming.

OPTIONAL:
If you have fresh rosemary laying around the house, use about 1 tsp. or so, chopped, along with a small squeeze of lemon juice.

OPTIONAL #2:
1/3 cup Heavy Cream 1/8 cup Sugar

Step 3: Cook

1. Preheat oven to 375.

2. BOWL: Add pecans, brown sugar, cinnamon, salt, pepper, and butter. Microwave until butter melts. Mix to combine.

3. CUTTING BOARD: Slice apples as shown below. Then, take a sharp knife and cut out the cores. You should be left with four apple rings.

3. BAKING SHEET: This is a great time to use parchment paper on a baking sheet. If you don't have it, grease baking sheet with butter or a little Pam. Arrange apple rings so they are evenly spaced. Press pecan mixture into the holes, packing tightly, until apples are full.

4. OVEN: Bake for 25-40 minutes, checking occasionally. If filling reduces, add more butter and brown sugar until apple is full. Apples are done when you can easily pierce them with a fork to their center. Carefully remove to plates using a flat spatula (so none of the filling falls out).

5. MIXING BOWL: If using, add cold cream to bowl. Whip with an electric mixer until it holds soft peaks (when you pull the mixer out of the bowl, the cream pulls up, then droops). Slowly add sugar while whipping. Add generous spoonful to apples, serve.

Step 4:

Busted Nutt?

Introducing pictures of Houston Nutt's daughter, Hanna:


Here's the thing: Hanna dearest (left) is certainly not a prized commodity on your typical SEC campus, where smokin' hotties dance on every quad, fake breasts bounce on every corner, and eating is for lepers. But hey, she at least appears to be rocking an okay body and a passable face, right?

I mean, you wouldn't necessarily need to use a paper bag ... just turn off the lights, right? And her friend sorta looks like a chunky version of LC from The Hills, so that's something.

But there's one problem, and we've all seen it before. She's afflicted with "Looks too much like Daddy/Brother disease."

Just imagine looking down and seeing this with your dick in its mouth:

Where You Can Go, And What You Can Do With Yourself: Nov. 28

Each Wednesday, we'll provide you with gratuitous pictures of breasts, links to our favorite stuff, and a rundown of posting for the next week. No other blog does this, and we feel like we're filling a void.

Email us with your tips at cwatcf@gmail.com, and we'll post 'em right up.

BLOG SCHEDULE

Friday: Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin'
Monday: SEC Names of The Week: Dec. 3 Edition
Wednesday: The 11 Most Evil SEC College Football Coaches is going on hiatus. Irons explains why and who is to blame. You know who you are, and you will pay dearly.

Nothing like a hot chick in LSU colors. Here, kitty-kitty.

STUFF YOU SHOULD READ

A jury of your shitfaced peers.
So you're into the whole jury-duty thing, but you don't want to stay sober during the trial? Tennessee wants you.

Carl explains why the BCS sucks.

A visual representation of how the SEC works:

That's right Arkansas, now you'll get what's coming to you.

THINGS WE HATE (updated weekly)

1. Creationists. I want to believe.
2. Sean Taylor's death. You make over $10 million between 2004-2006 and you don't hire a security guard when someone leaves a knife on your pillow? (Also see: Things We Love #3).
3. Failed NFL coaches coming back to NCAA.

THINGS WE LOVE (updated weekly)

1. Rice's Marching Owl Band.
2. Top 25 Drinking Quotes.
3. Joe Gibbs's Cynicism in drafting LaRon Landry.

SEC Names Of The Week: Nov. 26 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name(s) of the Week:

Brannan Southerland, FB, Georgia Bulldogs

Brannan is not a name.

Georgia's 240-lb. touchdown machine creates a new category of yuptard names. While most fall into the "stupid alternate spellings of traditional names" category, Brannan is something beautifully and uniquely fucked up.

"Brandon" is a name. "Brannon" is a girl-name. "Brannan" is neither ... yet both? Hopefully, this doesn't mean our favorite fullback is pulling a Jamie Lee Curtis.

Anyway, here's to the human equivalent of a Puggle. One can only hope that Brannan's parents will begin a blog in this vein.

So thank you, Brannan. If -- god forbid -- the wonders of modern-day birth control fail me and I knock some chick up, I'm going to name it Jiym.

SEC West Name of the Week:

Coming Soon

Les Miles, Drunk Driver

We warned you, LSU. The man was reckless, stupid, and the odds finally caught up with him. Now, the inevitable wreck is upon us.

Les, you hurt a lot of people last night.

Due to Thanksgiving, we missed the Friday food post. To make up for it, we offer you a cocktail recipe:

The Les Miles
-6 oz. Bourbon
-2 Pepcid AC

Place bourbon in a tall glass. Take Pepcid. Email influential Michigan booster, telling him what a good fit Les Miles would be for his program.

Where Is Your God Now?

Bill Callahan, (So Fucking Fired) Nebraska Coach, Nov. 5:

The season has gone in the opposite direction of what the coaching staff, fans and media had thought, and it has forced Callahan to seek support from higher places.

"I've got to count on the Lord in that respect; that's where I derive my strength from," Callahan said. "I think that's what any Christian does. You put your trust in the Lord and you go forward."

If Jesus keeps pulling shit like this, that Mormon and his craaaaaaaaaaaaaazy Golden Tablets may win the Republican nomination after all.

11 Most Evil SEC Coaches: #8-9

#8: Les Miles, Louisiana State University Tigers

Ah, the man in the goofy white hat. Since early American westerns hit the silver screen, this sort of headwear has been a symbol of good. Of course, when it's a baseball cap, the bill is un-curved and the hat sits high on the forehead ... well, that’s a symbol for a chromosome deficiency.


Let’s just say that the expectations at LSU for the Les Miles era (and his 28-21 career coaching record prior to Tiger-dom) were less than high. Of course, the majority of fans and pundits failed to realize that Saban had left Les an NFL-ready roster. A monkey could have driven that ship, and drive the monkey did -- all the way to a 32-5 record.

After this year’s Florida-LSU game, some speculated that Les Miles was the second coming of Pete Carroll -- a daring swashbuckler of a coach willing to take risks. After the Auburn game, more or less everyone realized the truth:

Les Miles is a fucking idiot.

MADD has an entire lobbying organization focused on this type of individual: 1) Idiot drinks a few beers, worries about driving home, and does it anyway. Success! No cops! 2) Based on past experience, idiot now thinks he's invincible. Drinks until quite drunk -- but no worries, no problems -- he can do this! Success, success, success! Alcohol makes him concentrate better. He is the best drunk driver ever! 3) Tequila shots! Hell and yeah! Faster, faster! Nothing ever goes wrong! Let's push this baby to triple digits! Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!

So is Les Miles evil? Damn right he is. There's going to be a crash, LSU, and it's going to be ugly.

IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, LES MILES WOULD:
Knock back a bottle of Jack, then take his daughter and her Sunday School class on the ride of their lives.

#9: Ed Orgeron, Ole Miss Rebels

We're basing this rating primarily on 1) the fact that we can't understand a damn word he says and 2) some Ole Miss fans are convinced that he's the devil's agent, sent to destroy their football program. For lack of evidence, we place him here; rating subject to change in the event we learn his language.

So we're sorry, that's a lot of waffling. Regarding these ladies, however, we can definitively say that we would do evil things to (from the left) Woof!, If We Were Drunk, Hotty Toddy!, Gosh Almighty!.

IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, ED ORGERON WOULD:
"Shooiout thasssitwatamatawkinbaudt shooooeeenunrayeeeep afo dayeeeut foooeulmuh caoup isu impereeeusuive, bout eiouyyt ainiiiot geeet nooooouuuuu shieoeuyut ou me-yuh."

Sometime the "W" column takes a vacation...

LSU v. 0le Miss

And yes, that is a "zero" in 0le Miss. Equal to the number of SEC wins this season! Equal to IQ of Brent Schaeffer! Not equal to the amount of meds needed to tranform Coach O from a bloodthirsty ogre completely f'ing insane coonass gorilla with man-boobs into a semi-human entity!

For some reasons, Ole Miss fans still like the guy. Let him get his recruits in!

Even if the Rebels have no shot at catching the Tigers on the field, they are at least giving 110% off the field. However, "Pillowgate" just sounds...gay. Very gay. Like, "hotty toddy" gay.

Ole Miss fans need to realize that Pillowgate pales in comparison to Cecil "the Diesel" Collins, Ryan "the Scholar" Perriloux, or Billy "I'm so Rich I Print Money" Cannon.

Oh well, there's always The Grove. And the women. And that's all that Ole Miss stands for anyway, right?

SEC Names Of The Week: Nov. 19 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name(s) of the Week:

Kyrus Lanxter, WR, Kentucky Wildcats

Note: All available pictures of Kyrus were too small, so we went with former teammate (and fellow name-winner) Sefo Mailau Blaylock. Sefo is no longer listed on the Kentucky roster; one can only assume he left to pursue weighty intellectual endeavors.

Kyrus, or "Superman" (as he's known around these parts), has performed at least two miracles in his young life:

1. Sandwiched an "X" between two consonants [Counting "Y" as a vowel, we're pretty sure this is a trailblazing moment in the history of the English language].


2. "Son of Michelle Ruckart, Tim Lanxter, and Pam Campbell." You figure that one out.

If we remember our Sunday School lessons correctly, this qualifies him for canonization by the Catholic Church.

SEC West Name of the Week:

Dexter McCluster, WR, Ole Miss Rebels

Ole Miss, under the patient tutelage of Sensei Ed Orgeron, has basically been a McClusterfuck. Saturday's loss to the chainsaw-endowed werewolf that is LSU leaves the Rebels at 0-7 in the SEC for the first time since 1982. Coach Zero has all of 3 SEC wins in his tenure in Oxford. Nevertheless, the Chancellor of Ole Miss is standing behind Coach Ogre! Give the man his time!

What a McClusterfuck.

24-13: Wherein We Rub Your Nose In It (Kentucky Edition)

Today, in haiku form:
Ashley, of course, suffers from depression. We sincerely hope she's not a cutter.

Eat, Pray, And Get Some Lovin': Tortilla Soup

Each week, we’ll publish an idiot-proof recipe that’ll score you some ‘tang. In return, you’ll send us pictures of the classy ladies (which we’ll post) and let us know how you did. Note that this section is not for more accomplished chefs, but for morons who just want to convince ladies that they are accomplished chefs. Expect us to talk down to you.

For an overview of Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin', go here.

Step 1: Trick a young lady into coming to your abode.

Method of the week:

Step 2: Gather Ingredients

6 cups Chicken Stock
-Do not substitute broth. Stock has a much deeper flavor and better texture, and is generally less salty.
-Stock can be found on the soup aisle in your grocery store, often in boxes.
1 Carrot
-Peeled, diced.
2 ribs Celery
-Peeled, sliced thin.
1 Onion
-Half diced, the other half cut into 1-inch chunks.
2 Poblano Peppers
-These look like large jalapenos.
-Dice one, slice the other into 1/2-inch strips..
2 ears Corn
-To separate kernels, lightly run your knife down the ear from top to bottom.
-Separate one ear, leave the other whole.
Ancho Chili Powder
-The “Chili Powder” you typically buy at the store is actually a spice blend. Using the varietals gives you a distinctive taste and better quality – in a soup like this where chilies are prominently featured, it is very important.
16 oz. can diced Tomatoes
10” Flour Tortillas
Sour Cream
Olive Oil
Salt
Pepper
Strainer
-Buy one with fine mesh. This is not the same as a pasta strainer. It is necessary.
Suggested: Guacamole

Step 3: Cook

1.Turn on broiler. Put whole ear of corn, chunky onion, and thick-cut poblano pepper in a roasting pan. Drizzle with olive oil. Season generously with salt, ground pepper, and chili powder. Toss to coat. Add pan to top rack of oven and cook, stirring occasionally, until vegetables caramelize. Note: Corn may take a little longer to caramelized than onions and pepper. If so, just remove the onions and peppers and leave the corn in for a while longer. Remove pan and set aside. When the corn cools, remove the kernels.

2. Meanwhile, over medium-low heat, add 3 tablespoons olive oil, carrot, celery, diced onion, and diced pepper to a dutch oven or large pot. Add a generous pinch of salt, several grinds of black pepper, and two pinches of chili powder. Stir to coat. Cook, stirring frequently, until onions are translucent – somewhere around 7 minutes. Add half of the can of tomatoes and the separated corn. Cook for another 5 minutes.

3. Add stock, simmer for at least 30-45 minutes. Longer won’t hurt, but keep the heat low. Remember to simmer – you’re not looking to reduce the soup much, but to heat it through and get the flavors to mingle. Preheat oven to 450.

4. Strain soup into a large bowl. Press on the back on the solids in the strainer to get all of the liquid out. Return cleaned soup to the pot.

5. Add caramelized vegetables to soup.

6. Cut tortillas into strips (figure 1 tortilla/person). Brush both sides of tortillas with a bit of olive oil and put on baking sheet. Put in oven.

7. Bake tortillas until lightly browned.

8. Garnish soup with tortillas, sour cream, and guacamole. Serve.

Step 4:

Apologies And Requests For Forgiveness

Sorry we're running a little behind this week, folks.

To compensate for our sloth, we'd like to introduce you to two of the greatest pimpin'-related websites ever.

1. Jam Phat gives us graphical representations of the relationships between things like bitches and money.


2. TigerPimpNation. We're not sure whether we're laughing at 'em or with 'em.

On second thought ... definitely at 'em. But in a good way!

Where You Can Go, And What You Can Do With Yourself: Nov. 14

Each Wednesday, we'll provide you with gratuitous pictures of breasts, links to our favorite stuff, and a rundown of posting for the next week. No other blog does this, and we feel like we're filling a void.

Email us with your tips at cwatcf@gmail.com, and we'll post 'em right up.

BLOG SCHEDULE

Friday: Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin'
Monday: SEC Names of The Week: Nov. 19 Edition
Wednesday: The 11 Most Evil SEC College Football Coaches: #5 and #6

Yeah, we're 30 now. And no, we still haven't graduated.

STUFF YOU SHOULD READ

The ratings are in!
Who needs fall anyway? Your AC or heater must be on at all times.

Who cares if it's true?
Ditka = God.

Frank Caliendo vs. Charles Barkey
Who will win?

THINGS WE HATE (updated weekly)

She just likes the trunk.
Paris, the pink elephant in the corner isn't real.

No one cares anymore.
Apparently Herbstreit thinks that the Ohio State v. Michigan game is the greatest rivalry in all sports. Good thing no one else does.

Time to buy new lawn furniture.
But where will the Tennessee fans watch the game on Saturdays?

THINGS WE LOVE (updated weekly)

No thanks, we'll take our chances on the Bulldogs.
Well, if you were that thirsty, you would have prayed a lot harder.

Recycled condoms?
Looks great, keeps the hair nice and shiny.

Who gave Verne the bottle of scotch before halftime?
At least they cut the camera before he broke out the centipede.

What do you expect from a conference that can't count past ten?
At least they bring in their first-string officials when it counts.

How To Win Friends And Influence People: Part 1

UPDATE: So, it's been brought to our attention that Kuechenberg is sort of a dick. On the other hand, he did use the rhetorical question "Does a frog have a waterproof butthole?" on the radio, so we figure it's a wash.

Seems that some of the former Fightin' Irish players aren't so pleased with The Fat Man. Former Notre Dame and Miami Dolphin football star Bob Kuechenberg joined the Dennis and Callahan Radio show for this gem of a chat:

BK: They have all, to a man, said that [Weis] is unnecessarily rude and crude to the Notre Dame community ... when he left the Patriots and got a sweetheart deal, a sweetheart offer from Notre Dame ... at that point, it's not a one year or a two year contract, it's a five year, beautiful contract. Charlie Weis and his family are secure financially forever, and it's his dream job -- going back to Notre Dame -- unbelievable! Then Tom Benson, the owner of the New Orleans Saints gets a hold of him a few weeks before the opening game of his tenure and says, "Charlie, you've only been in the NFL. Let me see that contract -- aw, that's a pittance. Tear it up and you come with me."

I know that I would, you two would, and any man of character at that point would -- I believe -- have said "Mr. Benson, that is a great honor, I really appreciate your respect for my ability, but I've just signed a contract with Notre Dame, the job of my lifetime. This is what I'm meant to be, and thank you but no thank you." Instead, what he does is go to Notre Dame's athletic department and says "Here's what New Orleans offered and what can you do about it. I can't turn this down."

So instead, he holds them ransom and they extend it to ten years from five years. Right there, what does that tell you about the man? I mean, how much money do you need? What are your priorities?

Host: But Bob, most college coaches are mercenaries ... they all hold the school over a barrel when they get these [inaudible], no?

BK: No, no, not at all. Now I don't mind when he goes and gets a year or two into his five year deal and says "Okay, now, you know, it's a fit, and let's extend this, everybody's happy." That's customary. Not to do what he did. That's a low blow and it's absolutely unnecessary. I mean, how much friggin' money do you need? What's your priority in life?

Host: Bob, two questions here. Are the priests, the fathers, the clergy offended by his language, his sideline deportment, and now that they gave him the extension on the extension, what are they saying behind closed doors and in back channels about what they're getting for their money?

BK: Um, I cannot answer, you know, what the priests, and the other authorities at Notre Dame are speaking. I'm only speaking to my alumni friends. I've not spoken to any officials of Notre Dame, the university. Just my own opinion of what I've seen. Again, I've not met Charlie, but I don't need to meet Charlie. When a man makes that choice that we just discussed ... I don't want to meet Charlie, frankly.

Host: Well, what happened specifically to you? You went there with some friends or wanted to bring some friends through the locker room -- is that correct?

BK: No, no, nothing like that. I’ve never spoken to Charlie, or you know, I’ve never had personal interaction with Charlie at all.

Host: So what did he do, other than lose, that so offended you?

BK: You know, his demeanor. I believe the student athlete at Notre Dame is expected to be extra special. Also, it’s all about leadership and I don’t think he’s providing the right kind of leadership.

Charlie, Tommy Tuberville can clue you in as to what this means:

Again, it's petition time, baby.

Bye-Bye, Milesy

Lloyd Carr Resigning

Since this news came from a blog, it must be true:

Three separate sources indicate that Carr has made his decision to retire official and people around the athletic department are being told. The formal announcement will come after the Ohio State game, possibly at the Monday press conference, possibly a day or two later.

Who will Michigan pursue? Will it be Les Miles? Urban Meyer? Or how about:

YEEEHAAAA! DENNIS FRANCHIONE! DENNIS F'ING FRANCHIONE would NEVER lose to Appalachian State! DENNIS F'ING FRANCHIONE practically bleeds blue! He named his dog Blue! His wife's nickname is Blue! DENNIS F'ING FRANCHIONE oozes Loyalty! His middle name is Loyalty! His favorite color is Loyalty Blue!

Oh, and he won at TCU, which means he will definitely win at Michigan. And never lose to Appalachian State.

CWATCF emphatically endorses Dennis Franchione for the Michigan Football head coaching job. Assuming, of course, that Charlie Weis is unavailable.

UPDATE: Before assessing the credibility of this claim, you might want to remember our last foray into hard news.

UPDATE II: We were so right, and like 6 days early. Suck it ESPN. Consider yourself scooped.

Sophie's Choice: Duke v. Notre Dame

A recent conversation with our brothers over at Nation of Islam Sports Blog awakened us to a startling, if obvious point: most of America is torn about who to root for this weekend. For most, this is a choice between Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook, Holly Rowe and Pam Ward, gonorrhea and syphilis.

Now, we have no personal ill will towards Coach Krzyzewski and his university full of second-generation Asian-Americans – he coaches in something called the “ACC,” after all, and apparently for a “basket-ball” team, whatever that is. However, we can appreciate the magnitude of anti-Duke sentiment out there:

Google “Hate Duke,” and you get 2,070,000 hits. Even if you assume that around 25% of them concern the Klansman/almost-Senator from Louisiana, that’s still a pretty staggering collection of ill will (ND pulls in 1.6 million hits on a similar search).

So here we are: a game between the two of the most reviled institutions in college athletics. We are informed that there are no circumstances under which they can both lose (unless they are both cheating, which judging by current records falls into the “unlikely” category).

In Sophie’s Choice, a mother is forced to choose which one of her two children will live, and which will perish. Faced with a question that has no right answers, her only logical choice is to choose the one who is strongest and most likely to survive. As we -- and the majority of the nation -- are in the opposite position ("Please, take them both!"), it's clear that our only choice is to support the weaker program. Let's take a look:

Duke Blue Devils

Program Strengths:

• Um, basketball?
• Campus not located in Indiana.
  

Program Weaknesses:

• Coached by moron.
• Record since 1995: 20-122.
• No conference wins since 2004.
  
• Mandated 30 years of pestilence and plague in return for giving The Devil his coaching start.
  
• National (and local) apathy.
• Duke chicks.
  

Notre Dame Fightin' Irish

Program Strengths:

• Innumerable traditions.
• National alumni base, Catholic support.
• "Earned" bowl spots 16 of the last 20 years, including 8 BCS-caliber bowls.
• Gobs of money.
  

Program Weaknesses:

• The fat man.
• Notre Dame chicks.
• Overwhelming sense of entitlement, even when objectively ugly or bad at football.
  

The choice is clear: Duke football is a rotting carcass, deader than dead. At best, the Devils aspire to a 3-8 season and a midweek telecast on ESPN -- hell, a conference win would set them dancing in the streets.

Touchdown Jesus and his merry band of Leprechauns, on the other hand ... well, they're on life support. In this analogy, the BCS and NBC are the doctors, squeezing the Irish onto weekly national television and snuff-film quality bowl games against SEC teams. As has been noted, all they have left is their dignity. Let's Schiavo this patient while we still can.

And on that note, let us band together, fight back the nausea, and say it in unison:

THIS WEEK, WE ARE ALL BLUE DEVILS.

Go here and sign our petition.

Petition powered by ThePetitionSite.com

SEC Names of the Week: Nov. 12 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name(s) of the Week:

Wondy Pierre-Louis, CB, Florida Gators

This year's winner of the Karibi Dede Award is the Gator's newly-minted starter. Wondy's inspiring personal story begins in his war-torn Haitian homeland, and blah blah blah this is what links are for. Anyway, that might have been enough to prevent us from mocking him, but for this little factoid:

-Learned English by watching the Disney Channel's "That's So Raven."

Which earns him our contempt. After all, "Hannah Montana" is a much better show. Wait, what? We didn't say that. And no Miley Cyrus jokes in the comments, please -- she's 15 14, people.

Anyway thanks to the Gators' star's parents for giving him such a Wondy-erful name (sorry).

SEC West Name of the Week:

Brandon Fanney, DL/LB Alabama Crimson Tide

Coolio, tired of living in a Gangsta's Paradise, is back with (1,2,3,4) Sumpin' New. He now plays TWO positions for the Alabama Crimson Tide while composing hit songs and sticking forks into electric sockets to achieve the perfect hairstyle. When shock therapy doesn't get his hair-rection hard enough, he just watches Notre Dame football.

Oh yeah, we almost forgot, his name means "ass" in kid-speak. In fact, co-name of the week Wondy Pierre-Louis probably calls his own ass a "fanny." Which is funny.

45-20: Wherein We Rub Your Nose In It (Auburn Edition)

At home, no less.

Somewhere, an Auburn booster is firing up a jet engine.

Notre Dame v. Air Force: Saturday Live Gloating

5:16 (Irons): Mercifully, this one is over. Final score 41-24. On the bright side, ND's 58 yards rushing beats their season average.
5:14 (Anderson): The Irish Faithful (his name is Steve) still hoping for a last minute, 17-point comeback.
5:11 (Irons): And Air Force rubs it in a bit -- 41-24.
5:05 (Anderson): Local Southbend buffets on Defcon-4 status as the Irish close in on their ninth loss, expect Weis to replace the sadness in his heart with cholesterol.
5:02 (Irons): Proof that the NBC announcers aren't at all biased: "If you're Notre Dame, you're probably a little disappointed in the running game."
5:01 (Anderson): Weis appears to be unhappy with the chain measurement system, demands use of more "official" chicago-style pizza box.
4:56 (Irons): Navy, who squeaked by the Fightin' Irish last week, has given up 49 points this Saturday. In the first half. To North Texas.
4:55 (Anderson): ND special teams are as impressive as ever.
4:51 (Irons): Swing pass by Emu ... TD. And ND is partying like it's 1984. 34-24, Air Force.
4:50 (Anderson): I wonder how much it cost Notre Dame to put green t-shirts on all the homeless people that live in their stadium before the game started?
4:43 (Irons): On the bright side, Weis has done an excellent job conserving his time outs.
4:42 (Irons): Oh. My. Emu sacked by entire Air Force team. 6.
4:38 (Irons): FG, Air Force. 34-17.
4:35 (Anderson): Notre Dame's Emu retakes the passing lead over Air Force's option quarterback by a slim margin. AF is still outrushing the Irish by roughly three miles.
4:31 (Anderson): Air Force might need to put the second string back in (third string currently playing) to insure that they cover the spread. For the record, Air Force came into this game favored by 3.5 points.
4:25 (Irons): Meaningless TD pass, Emu. 31-17.
4:24 (Irons): Emu sacked by undersized Air Force defender. Again. This makes 5 for the day and a whopping 50 for the year. There are tackling dummies that do a better job of blocking.
4:22 (Anderson): Careful hitting Clausen late like that, you might jar some talent loose.
4:19(Anderson): Do not adjust your hearing aids, he DID just say that Clausen has been sacked FORTY-NINE(49) times this season. Notre Dame's offensive line is turning heads today by only allowing 4 so far.
4:11 (Irons): TD pass to the backup TE, Air Force. Oh my. 31-10. Start gathering your pocket change, Notre Dame fans. This is going to cost $25 million.
4:09 (Irons): So the running game is working today.
4:06 (Irons): Jeeeeeeeee-sus. ND's offensive averages on the season (if you're drinking something, swallow before reading): 208.4 yards/game; 152 passing yards/game; 56.4 rushing yards/game.
4:05 (Irons): Charlie Weis, down by two touchdowns, has wisely decided to slow the game down. No sense in letting things get out of hand.
3:58 (Irons): It's amusing to watch the look of shock and surprise on the ND running backs' faces on the rare occasion that they break through the line of scrimmage.
3:52 (Anderson): Air Force, one of the last remaining dedicated option offenses, is now out-passing Notre Dame.
3:44 (Irons): TD pass Air Force. 24-10. There's a school of thought that ND is acting in a patriotic manner by allowing the service academies to defeat them in a time of war. But to let the Bolts blow them out? I mean, we don't want our soldiers to get cocky.
3:43 (Irons): Nope, no harelips spotted in the crowd.
3:41 (Anderson): Is that Greta Van Susteren on the sidelines?
3:30 (Anderson): The second half will commence as soon as all 15 of the Notre Dame fans come back from the bathroom and Charlie Weis finishes his dessert.
3:24 (Irons): Halftime by the numbers: 3 sacks, 2 turnovers, 63(!) rushing yards. I believe this is what you call a moral victory.
3:21 (Irons): Best argument against HDTV: Charlie Weis.
3:17 (Irons): FYI, the officials stole 3 points from Air Force at the end of the half. Let the NBC-related conspiracy theories begin.
3:14 (Irons): Air Force 17-10 at the half. Imagine what their lead would be if they had more black people.
3:10 (Irons): Emu flattened by undersized Air Force defender. Sack #3.
3:08 (Irons): TD Air Force! 17-10.
3:02 (Irons): That's not nice, Anderson -- I'm sure he's just big-boned.
3:00 (Anderson): Word has reached us that immediately after the touchdown, Weis sent a letter to Air Force Coach Calhoun offering to end the game on a tie, under the terms that Calhoun buys pizza and cokes for both teams and a cake for Weiss.
2:56 (Irons): TD Notre Dame. According to the announcers, this is the second touchdown pass of the Emu's career. Hasn't he started like 7 games?
2:55 (Irons): Special update for SEC fans: Nick Saban has been Croomed.
2:54 (Irons): Emu flattened by undersized Air Force defender, but this time in illegal fashion. In Notre Dame-speak, this is called "offense."
2:53 (Anderson): I bet the Notre Dame Friday Night Pep Rallies are fun this year.
2:47(Anderson): Is it just me, or is the bulk of the advertising just NBC pumping their own programming? I'm half-expecting some local Southbend grocery store ads to pop up.
2:44 (Irons): And it's official: No shutout today. 10-3.
2:43(Anderson): Prudential must be excited, this is ND's first trip to the red zone in a few weeks.
2:38 (Irons): Down goes Michigan (to a D-I team this time). Explain to me again why Ohio State belongs in the national title game?
2:37 (Irons): Notre Dame runs for a first down. Let that sink in for a moment.
2:36 (Anderson): Let's take a commercial break to give ND time to plan their 3-and-out.
2:30(Anderson): I think ND's first priority in the off season is to pick up a good punter. That's their most reliable source of positive yardage.
2:24 (Irons): Dear Emu: You play for the blue team.
2:21 (Irons): Fumb-bbbbbbbbbbbbblllllle! Air Force tacks on the extra point to make it 10-0. Enjoying this as much as I am makes me feel ... dirty.
2:19 (Irons): We heartily agree with the assessment of the ND coaching situation expressed by our brothers over at Nation of Islam Sports Blog. Look for a guest post by Brother T in the next few weeks.
2:18 (Irons): Undersized Air Force player flattens the Emu for Sack #2. Rinse, repeat.
2:17 (Anderson): I think I found their next coach:

2:14 (Irons): Anderson informs me that Notre Dame's TV contract runs through 2010. Oy. Charlie Weis' contract, of course, runs through 2015.
2:13 (Irons): This is not a joke. Someone wearing Rudy's number and approximating his height is currently on the field.
2:12(Anderson): Good Lord, they've actually put Rudy in.
2:08 (Anderson): I'm expecting Air Force's second string to come in soon. They don't need any unnecessary injuries before the big San Diego State game next week.
2:01 (Irons): Field goal. 3-0 Air Force.
2:00 (Anderson): Ah, the feature game on NBC: football for World War II survivors.
1:50 (Irons): Air Force "fumbles" on the one. Replay overturns. Once again, Jesus is apparently a basketball fan
1:40 (Irons): The Emu is starting. Fish, meet barrel.
1:33 (Irons): Welcome to our first annual Notre Dame Live Gloat, wherein we watch ineptitude in action and comment as necessary.

Eat, Pray, And Get Some Lovin': A Cook's Guide To The Ladies, Nov. 9: Braised Chilean Sea Bass

Each week, we’ll publish an idiot-proof recipe that’ll score you some ‘tang. In return, you’ll send us pictures of the classy ladies (which we’ll post) and let us know how you did. Note that this section is not for more accomplished chefs, but for morons who just want to convince ladies that they are accomplished chefs. Expect us to talk down to you.

For an overview of Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin', go here.

Step 1: Trick a young lady into coming to your abode.

Method of the week:
Step 2: Buy and prep ingredients.

Today, we’ll need the following ingredients:

Olive Oil
2 Chilean Sea Bass filets.
-You can use any firm, white fish here (i.e. not salmon). Ask the fishmonger at your local seafood store, or try Whole Foods for a good (if expensive) selection.
-Filets should be about 1” thick – buy enough to serve two people.
-Generally, they come with the skin on – this is a good thing.
-Pat the fish to check for pin bones; remove any you find.
-Buying Tip: Smell the fish before purchasing – fresh fish should smell clean and slightly salty, not fishy.
2 Yellow Onions
-Fist size, or a bit larger.
-Slice one onion into thin, ¼” strips.
1 Fennel Bulb
-Cut off the fronds and use the white part at the bottom.
-Roughly chop.
1 Leek
-Split down the middle and make sure to rinse thoroughly, as leeks can be dirty.
-Roughly chop.
Sugar Snap Peas
-In pod, about a handful.
4 Carrots
-Peel and slice into discs.
2 Stalks Celery
-Roughly chop one stalk, thinly slice the other.
Chives
-These look like long, very thin green onions.
1 Bay Leaf
-These come dried.
2 sprigs Fresh Thyme
-You can substitute dried thyme. A generous pinch should be sufficient.
½ Lemon.
1/3 cup White Wine Vinegar
-Very inexpensive; almost any brand will be fine.
1 cup White Wine
-Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio are both fine choices here. Spend at least $10, and serve remainder with dinner.
1 cup Water.
10-15 Whole Peppercorns
-If you have a pepper grinder, just remove a few from there.
Salt and Pepper

Step 3: Cook

1. PAN ONE: Add thinly sliced onion and half of carrots to a sauté pan over extremely low heat (about a 2 on your stove). Season generously with salt (a large pinch). Cook for 25 minutes. Do not allow the vegetables to brown. Add sliced celery and snap peas, cover, and cook for an additional 5 minutes. Remove pan from heat and set aside.

2. PAN TWO: Meanwhile, add roughly chopped onion, fennel, leek, carrots, and celery to a dutch oven or extremely large saucepan. Add water, wine, and vinegar. Add peppercorns, thyme, and a good-sized pinch of salt. Simmer (barely boil) over medium heat for 25 minutes. Don’t be afraid to turn the heat down to keep the contents from boiling too strongly. When finished, strain liquid into a bowl (i.e remove vegetables). You should have about 1.5 cups of liquid.

3. PAN THREE: Pat the sea bass filets dry. Season both sides (skin side and fish side) generously with salt and pepper. Add 2 tbs. of olive oil (enough to coat the bottom of the pan) and heat skillet or sauté pan over medium-high heat. Add both filets skin side down. Press down on them with a spatula to make sure the skin cooks. After 2 minutes, check the skin for doneness; if it is not done, continue to cook until it is. Skin is done when it is golden brown and crispy to the touch (remember, you are not cooking the fish to completion here, just crisping the skin). Remove filets to a plate. Note: This can be done as much as an hour before starting Pan One and Pan Two.

4. PAN FOUR: Use a large skillet or sauté pan. Add the liquid from Pan Two, and bring to a simmer over medium heat. Add fish, skin side up. Add vegetables from Pan One. Cook for 5 minutes. Remove fish to serving dishes (plates or a platter) skin side up (you want to keep the crispy skin dry). Squeeze lemon juice into sauce/vegetable mixture. Add 2 tbs. olive oil. Stir, and taste – add salt and pepper to your taste. Pour sauce and vegetables around fish and serve.

Step 4:

11 Most Evil SEC Coaches: #11-9

Welcome to our rundown of the 11 Most Evil SEC Coaches!

One look into Nick Saban’s eyes should be all you need to convince you – Lucifer is a BIG fan of SEC football (or, possibly, coaching under a pseudonym). Jesus, clearly, prefers hoops. Puppy dogs and kisses don’t get you far in SEC-land – just ask Vanderbilt, whose history of hiring coaches with “high moral character” correlates directly with their on-field success:

Just to be clear, we’re not talking about objective standards like NCAA violations, arrests, etc. That's been done. No, we're talking about character. Or, you know, the lack thereof.

This is actually the best way to distinguish SEC fans from the rest of the world. If you ask a Cal fan whether he would be comfortable with Jeff Tedford acting unethically to sign a big recruit, the answer is probably a "No." On the other hand, if you ask a Tennessee fan if he'd be okay with Phil Fulmer forcibly violating a lady of the cloth in order to snag an average recruit ... well:

Average UT Fan: "Well, I know nun-rape is a bad thing, but this is a 3-Star guard on Rivals, and the left side of our line needs some shoring up. If Phil finishes the nun off with a Superman, can we get a backup tight end thrown in?

And in case you're wondering if Fulmer would do it ... well, let's just say that the nun would smell like bacon grease and powdered sugar for weeks.

[To be clear, your blog proprietors fully support such actions when done in the service of our favored teams.]

Note: We realize you may be wondering why we're only counting down 11 SEC coaches. After all, the league has 12 coaches, right? Well, we TRIED to write one of these for Mark Richt. Really, really tried, we swear -- this has nothing to do with the fact that one of us is a Georgia fan. The man is objectively good, pure, and wholly non-evil. Adopts deformed kids from Third World countries. Spends his vacations building houses in hurricane-ravaged areas of the Honduras. Has an impeccable family life. Even the sappy super-Christian stuff seems genuine and non-affected. Has apologized for the one (and as far as we can tell, only) tiny misstep of his UGA tenure. Of course, many Georgia fans consider this a bad thing (consider that a tease for a future CWATCF feature)

#11: Bobby Johnson, Vanderbilt Commodores

School size of only 6,378. Shitty facilities. High academic standards. 100% graduation rate. Has a strict non-swearing policy for both players and coaches. Wins football games. Wait, what? That’s right, folks. After a 6-29 start to his Vanderbilt coaching career, Johnson has put together three straight seasons featuring Vandy in “bowl contention.” With a win over Tennessee, Kentucky, or Wake Forest, Johnson could actually have the Commodores playing in December, something that has happened only three times in the program’s history (and most recently in 1982).

The only explanation for Vandy leaving their rightful place in the SEC world?

We’re sorry to inform Vandy alums, the easily duped, and believers in crap like “… with hard work, integrity, and passion we can create excellence”: this is a classic case of Billowing Clouds of Smoke = Fire.

IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, BOBBY JOHNSON WOULD:
Re-record Eight Ball & MJG's "Lay It Down."

#10: Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State Bulldogs

Well, this is a tricky one. On the one hand, Croom has overcome racism, struggled through adversity, and seems to be running a clean program. Many have said that you can't win at State without cheating. Let's call Croom's 14-29 career record "exculpatory evidence."

On the other hand ... if your school's past coaches include the inimitable Jackie Sherrill (AKA Cheaty McSanctionpants), it's sort of like contracting herpes. No matter how much Valtrex the Bulldogs take, the sores aren't really going away (this might work, however). And at least 83% MSU fans strongly believe that Black Skin = Black Heart.

But is that a fair indictment of Croom himself? Past sins? Well, how 'bout a present day one for you: for all the talk about Sly as a "modern day MLK," if he continues to lose games at this rate he will set the civil rights movement in Mississippi back 50 years. Guaranteed.

This level of reckless disregard for racial tolerance and civil rights is frankly unbelievable. Time to call a spade a spade (yikes) tell it like it is. Sly Croom is evil.

IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, SYLVESTER CROOM WOULD:
Attend a Halloween function dressed as a pointy-headed ghost.

#9: Rich Brooks, Kentucky Wildcats

Now this is strange. Is Kentucky, KENTUCKY, really bowl eligible already? Could Kentucky possibly be going to back-to-back bowl games for the first time since a truly evil man was at the helm, who incidentally is named after a horrifying monster?

The formerly-toothless Wildcats even managed to snagglepuss a victory over my beloved LSU Tigers. However, triple overtime requires a triple-dose of black magic, and it's clear who's been dabbling in the Dark Arts.

Of course, he's not all bad. Posting a 16-30 record in your first four seasons will generally absolve one from any allegations of witchcraft. However, the fruit of that tempting tree is certainly poisionous, and the toxic venom that tickles his palate and provides earthly pleasures like Andre' Woodson has turned Rich Brooks' heart blacker than Sylvester Croom. Oh wait, can we say that?

IN ORDER TO SIGN A 4-STAR RUNNING BACK, RICH BROOKS WOULD:

Send Jared Lorenzen to Somalia and point him towards the last remaining Red Cross food bank.