Music City Bowl = Irony

We're going to spend the afternoon watching the towel boys at Free Shoes University confront Andre' Woodson and the Wildcats of Kentucky. For FSU, the Gaylord Hotels Bowl represents a big step up from last year's trip to the Emerald Nuts Bowl. Enjoy the last years of the Bowden Era, guys! Judging by the first few minutes of the game, the 'Noles may break out the clown cars by halftime.

Just a reminder to purchase our intellectual property:

Michigan State Fans: Exactly What You'd Expect

Note: Due to the holiday, SEC NOTW will be on hiatus until next week.

As the year drags to a close, we at CWATCF always like to look back on the new experiences of the past 12 months. It consistently amazes us that in life, almost nothing is what you'd expect. Reading a review of The Godfather (or, for that matter, Biodome), for example, can barely scratch the surface of what the actual movie experience will be like. Can Fodor's prepare you for your first glimpse of Italy? Or Des Moines? Not a chance. Remember your first shot of bourbon?

The point of all of this is that life is full of mystery and magic, and daily wonder is the status quo. That being the case, it can be especially jarring when something is ... well ... entirely what you'd expect.

Let's quickly review our preconceptions of Michigan State fans: Rock-dumb enough to live in East Lansing ... completely ignorant of fashion trends not espoused by Fergie ... wears sweatpants/jean skirts/black ho pants ... future trailer owner ... pasty from lack of exposure to the sun ... or orange from over-tanning ... roots showing ... vaguely trashy in a central-Florida kind of way.


Oh. My. Well, that was accurate. Follow the link to see more wholly unsurprising MSU fan pictures.

Anyway, we thought we'd throw up a working list of other things in life that are wholly unsurprising. Feel free to add to the list, Brady and Anderson. Everyone else, give us your picks in the comments.

Exactly What You'd Expect

Indianapolis
Sweet Tarts
Toby Keith concerts
Alabama
Children on planes
Flavor of Love
Busch Light

CWATCF Road Trip: The Champs Sports Bowl

Most of you are familiar with our reputation for first-line, direct source reporting. To give you a glimpse of the real bowl experience, CWATCF took a little field trip to the Champs Sports Bowl yesterday ... wooooooo crappy third-tier Big Ten-Big East matchup!!!!! Actually, as we recently watched 300, we had high hopes for this one. This is Sparta!!!! Hoouup!!!!!

The game did not live up to the movie.

Boston College v. Michigan State

First of all, the Citrus Bowl closed off the entire upper deck. What the hell kind of revenues do these crappy bowl games pull in? Swindle seems to think the answer is, um, not much.

On to the game. To our untrained, non-expert eyes, BC quarterback Matt Ryan looked like the real deal. The ball always came out on time, he threw the deep out on a rope, and he showed nice accuracy on deep balls. BC coach Jim Jagodzinski astutely took advantage of his NFL-ready QB by having Ryan spend most of the game throwing 5-yard curl patterns to the tight end and quick checks to the running back (presumably, his wide receivers blow donkey balls). This made for a terribly exciting game. And the Spartans? They've installed one of them fancy new spread offenses with all the wide receivers and the crazy formations ... and apparently only one play (HB Dive). Thrilling.

So BC won 24-21. Praise the Jesus.

Mitt Romney: CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders. In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams.

Go here for links to all of the candidates.

Mitt Romney: 2007 Alabama Football

OK, so this is cheating a bit -- we're really comparing Romney to Saban rather than the Alabama team itself -- but hey, Nick Saban and Mitt Romney might be the two biggest snake oil salesmen in the country. Both have an undeniable record of past successes, but current circumstances preclude them from winning big this year.

1) I believe exactly what you prefer me to believe.

Who knows where these guys stand? Does Saban really hate Auburn? I mean, really hate Auburn? Sure, he can spout platitudes about Tide Pride with the best of 'em, but raise your hand if you think Saban wouldn't take over for Tuberville this minute if the Tigers dangled $4.5 million in front of his nose. Bama fans are right to be hesitant in fully embracing the man.

Likewise, does Mitt really have the xenophobic qualifications necessary to be the Republican nominee? Oh, he claims to hate the gays, though nobody's sure if he actually means it. Since he kicked off his campaign at the Henry Ford Museum, we're pretty sure he really hates the Jews. He's perfectly happy to persecute brown people if necessary ... but it's not a Tancredo-esque crusade for him.

And abortion? Oy. His views have "evolved."

2) Fine, I'll sleep with you, but only if you wear this paper bag.

Mitt's a soulless corporate raider (his entire candidacy is staked on the fact that this makes him a competent manager) an animal abuser, and -- oh my -- a former Massachusetts governor who approved state-sponsored health care.

Similarly, Alabama hired a less-than-friendly mercenary, and Bama fans would probably be happy to torture a dog or two these days. Did we mention that Saban's a Yankee, born and bred in the Northeast? And not The Bear?

3) Hey, is that an elephant in the corner?


Poll question idea for the Gallup operation in Alabama: If this was the Inquisition and you were on the rack, who would you vote for, a Mormon or an LSU Tiger? With a nod to Pat Buchanan, the likely answer: Keep turning the screws.

Saban is/was a Tiger. End of story. Likewise, no matter how many times the Mittster says he loves Jesus, he's going to be a tough sell to evangelical voters ... and everyone else, for that matter. Sooner or later, the Mormon religion will get a full vetting by Christian (and secular) voters, and it won't be pretty.

Here's what you're going to hear on the tee-vee: The Mormon church was founded in 1827 by Joseph Smith, a convicted con man (who spent his early years divining for water) who claimed to find golden tablets with messages from God. Joseph refused to show said tablets to anyone else, and after he transcribed them they "returned to God," i.e. disappeared. Joseph, and subsequent church leaders, claimed that God frequently granted them revelations. A surprising number of these involved granting those same leaders additional (and very young) wives.

Other problems? The LDS embraced polygamy (before it officially didn't, though many fundamentalist sects still embrace it), was an officially racist institution (until 1978!). According to Brigham Young, a church leader, having sex with black people would kill you on the spot (again, the church later changed their mind). Did I mention that they wear magic underwear? And were involved in one of the worst mass-murders ever on US soil?

*Ed. Note: We don't think Mormonism is objectively any crazier than Christianity. 200,000,000 people in this country believe that a long-haired hippie could magic water into wine, walk on water, and fly. Mormons just believe that similar things happened ... um ... in 1880.

Are these facts indicative of Romney's capacity to serve as President of the United States? Probably no more than Saban's Tiger ties are to Bama's success. But that doesn't mean they aren't relevant to the deep-seated opinions of fans and voters.

CWATCF Prediction

Regardless of your level of competency, it's damn difficult to overcome the average guy's perception of your past. Romney is smart, capable, and flush with campaign money. In a world void of abortion, gays, and the Religious Right he might make a decent president. But in an era where issue-voting is vitally important, it's difficult to see voters picking a guy with virtually no identifiable positions.

Mitt's big problem is Huckabee -- if evangelical voters have a viable alternative, he's probably toast. Huckabee, however, is a terrible candidate who will (given enough time) suffer from overexposure. If this happens early enough, Romney can win Iowa on Jan. 3 (and he'll likely take NH, too). He leads in Jan. 8's MI primary ... and could ride that momentum to a victory in SC the next week, obtaining an insurmountable lead.

Romney could be your nominee with a few breaks, but something akin to Saban's 6-6 year is more likely. Expect an incredibly embarrassing ULM-caliber defeat along the way.

Holiday Drinking Season Heroes

Culled from the gold-plated pages of the New Orleans Times-Picayune come this week's Holiday Drinking Season Heroes. These guys are not your average drunks. No sir. They are buzzing like a bad amplifier before you are even out of bed.

Alvin Grace, 22, 1239 Piety St., New Orleans, Dec. 6, 11 a.m., at N. Robertson St. and Franklin Ave., DWI.

Jake S. Henry, 25, 1025 Jamie Ct., Violet, Dec. 10, 11:38 a.m., at Second St. and Danneel St., DWI.

Ritchie Matthew, 29, 5417 S. Prieur St., New Orleans, Dec. 15, 3:53 p.m., in the 600 block of S. Carrollton Ave., DWI.

Bottoms Up! Have another glass of nog, friends!

John McCain: CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide

In a year littered with 2-loss teams aspiring to college football's throne, it's only appropriate that the Presidential primary field is filled with flawed pretenders. In an attempt to make this approachable for you blog-reading Neanderthals, we give you The CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide, comparing each wannabe-Reagan to one of this season's college football teams. Go here for links to all of the candidates.

John McCain: 2007 Michigan Wolverines

Much like preseason #5 Michigan, John McCain entered the 2007 season with high expectations. As a distinguished four-term senator, veteran, and POW (the man cannot raise his arms above shoulder-level because of torture), McCain initially appeared to be a giant in a field of midgets. McCain had been an early leader in 2000 against George W. Bush, as well, but suffered a bitter -- and decisive -- defeat in the South Carolina primary (someone, presumably Rove, started a whisper campaign claiming that McCain had fathered a black baby ... shockingly, this swayed a number of enlightened South Carolina voters). Michigan's 2006 season ended on a similar note, with a loss to #1 Ohio State (hahahaha ... #1 at the time) knocking them out of a potential National Championship berth. To the delight of Michigan-haters across the nation, the Wolverines followed this up by whining a lot, then bending over for Pete Carroll's USC team in the Rose Bowl.

But hey, 2007 looked bright. Henne and Hart were back, McCain's team was in place. The conventional wisdom was that both parties were experienced, battle hardened, and destined for big things.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then things went south ... you might remember a certain upset in Week 1, and you probably helped John McCain not raise any campaign money.

Needless to say, nobody handled this particularly well.

Suddenly, the discontent started to fester. Republicans remembered that they hated McCain, a traditional Goldwater Republican (a popular breed in the Southwest, usually with libertarian leanings, especially on social issues). McCain had spent the last three years shamelessly/pathetically pandering to W, Falwell, and other assorted bigots, but it didn't take (Think Lloyd Carr toying with the spread). At the end of the day, the man just doesn't seem hard-line enough on abortion, it's not crystal clear that he finds the homos distasteful ... and dear god, he doesn't hate brown people enough. Like the Michigan fan base, the Republican party had evolved (heh ... it's funny because Republicans don't believe in evolution).

And it seemed that both 'o7 Michigan and McCain would sink into oblivion, good only for a few snickers at OSU keggers or Jonah Goldberg-hosted cocktail parties (note that the respective events would be quite similar in both decorum and collective IQ of the attendees).

But after the initial period of embarrassing floundering, something strange happened: the beast didn't die. I'm sure we all remember looking in the paper in Week 8, seeing a "#15" by Michigan's name, and thinking "Wait -- what the hell?" It's mind-blowing to think about, but after losing to a I-AA team, Michigan had a chance to win the Big Ten and go to a BCS bowl (ed. note: thank God this didn't happen). After we left McCain for dead, the same thing's happening here -- all of a sudden, he's polling second in Iowa, and hanging around within striking distance in a number of early primary states. Could he really pull this off?

CWATCF Prediction:

Of course, we all know how this ended for Lloyd Carr, with him "retiring" to the great sorrow of at least four Michigan fans. Likewise, McCain's campaign is probably too far behind to catch up, but don't write him off quite yet. A solid second in Iowa (to Huckabee) and New Hampshire (to Romney) might be the launching pad he needs to become a serious contender. Michigan and California will likely decide this thing, and right now they're anybody's game.

Bottom line? Who the hell knows -- this is your dark horse candidate.

Happy Holidays And All That Jazz

We hope you are all enjoying the time off work. Just wanted to let you know that SEC NOTW is a total bust this week -- there are apparently no players named Judas on the current SEC rosters. 'Tis a pity.

UPDATE: Several readers have pointed out that "Petrino" is the new Judas. We regret the omission.

Anyway, there will be a new feature coming this Wednesday ... or Thursday. Wooo! Exciting!

Stay safe, and as Kissing Suzy Kolber has pointed out, don't drink and drive.

Eat, Pray, And Get Some Lovin': Christmas Edition

Each week, we’ll publish an idiot-proof recipe that’ll score you some ‘tang. In return, you’ll send us pictures of the classy ladies (which we’ll post) and let us know how you did. Note that this section is not for more accomplished chefs, but for morons who just want to convince ladies that they are accomplished chefs. Expect us to talk down to you.

For an overview of Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin', go here.

Step 1: Trick a young lady into coming to your abode.

Method of the week:

Step 2: Buy and prep ingredients for Beef Tenderloin Roast with Horseradish Mashed Potatoes
In order to get her to unwrap your second gift (ed. note: we mean penis) you'll probably have to buy her something that appears to be nice. Couple that with a homemade meal and this is probably the time to bring up that thing you've always wanted to try with handcuffs, an eggplant, and the family cat.

Beef Tenderloin
-Sure, it's a bit on the front end, but buying a whole tenderloin is generally a huge cost-saver.
-Try Sam's or Costco for this (and steaks in general). Generally, you can get a whole tenderloin for around $50, and you'll get 6-8 steaks out of it (plus a good bit of leftover scrap meat useful for stir fries, Philly cheese steak, etc.). Compare to $18+/lb at grocery stores.
-Assume 1.5" per person. Cut the necessary length (i.e. 6" for 4 people) and let it come to room temperature. Wrap remainder in foil and plastic wrap and freeze.
3 lb. Yukon Gold Potatoes
-These are great for mashed potatoes because of their consistency and
1/2 cup Sour Cream
Milk
1/2 stick Butter
Chives
3 tbs. Horseradish
-Usually comes in a glass jar near the olives. Check the deli area as well.
Cumin
Salt
Pepper

Step 3: Cook

Beef Part 1: Preheat oven to 400. Generously season (and I mean generously) beef roast with salt and pepper, pressing it into the sides. Sprinkle with a bit of cumin. Heat a large skillet on high until it is smoking hot. Add a tablespoon or two of a neutral oil. Use something with a high smoke point, like peanut, canola, or even just "vegetable." Olive oil will burn at this high of a temperature. Sear tenderloin for 2 minutes a side. Usually, there are 3 "sides" to a roast, so figure 6-7 minutes total (no more). Remember, when you cook meat, you don't want to move it around after it's in the pan. This allows it to form a good crust and keeps the meat from tearing. Remove tenderloin to a plate.

Potatoes Part 1: Peel potatoes (don't worry about perfection here) and place in a dutch oven or large pot. Cover with cold water, and heat over medium-high heat. Bring to boil, and cook for about 15-20 minutes. If you can easily pierce potatoes with a fork, they are done.

Beef Part 2: Place roast in a roasting pan (any large pan, like a sheet pan, will work). Place in oven for 30-35 minutes, or until it hits 135 internally (for those of you with meat thermometers). Remove tenderloin from oven. Cover with foil, and allow to stand for at least five minutes. Cut into 1.5" rounds. Top each with a pat of butter.

Potatoes Part 2: Drain potatoes. Return to heat and cook until all liquid in the bottom has evaporated. Add butter, horseradish, chives, and sour cream, and generously season with salt and pepper. Mash with a potato masher (or a slotted spoon, fork, etc.). Add milk as needed to reach desired consistency. Do not overmash (use as few strokes as possible), as this will make your potatoes gummy. Taste, and add more salt and pepper if necessary.

Step 4:

Don't Taze Me, Brah

We here at CWATCF completely support the use of tasers, tear gas, Uzis, and bazookas to rid the peaceful streets of New Orleans of the trustafarians, hippies, beatniks, and other assorted filth that has accumulated to protest the demolition of four horrendous housing projects.


GO NOPD!

CWATCF Merchandise: Class Is For Gators

Hey, is that a Panderbear I see (yes, we will sacrifice our team loyalties in the name of apparel sales)? It seems FSU players aren't pursuing their studies with the honesty and non-cheatiness required by the overlords at the NCAA. As a result, it appears that their towel boys will be starting in the Gaylord Music City Bowl (seriously -- they're going to suspend 20+ 'Noles, and that's actually the bowl name).

Yeah, we all know Florida players don't actually go to class, either, but it's always fun to poke your rival with a sharp stick. With Spurrier no longer around to coin vicious slogans, CWATCF does its best to pick up the slack.

As always, this comes in an array of styles and sizes, including thongs and maternity wear. Click on the image to buy, or go here for the CWATCF Store.

Merry Christmas To You

...and a Happy Kwanzaa to Anderson and Phil.



We really need to get some mistletoe belts in the CWATCF store.

Quick Note On Mercenaries

Rumors are flitting around that Saban may have contacted West Virginia about their vacancy.

No word on whether this isn't maybe not unverifiably true or not. We assume Saban is willing to leave for his customary Current Salary + $1 requirement.

Anyway, don't say we didn't warn you, Bama. Just be glad it isn't Auburn.

SEC Names Of The Week: Dec. 17 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name of the Week:

Telly Concepcion, DB, Florida Gators

Oh, it must have taken his mum a fortnight to come up with a name for the lad, but a corking good one did she find. Aaaaaaaand that's really all the British slang I'm capable of, but it's irrelevant. Telly is not British; this name is retarded.

This is, of course, just an excuse to post this picture of Tim Tebow's Heisman Trophy:

Ah, Florida.

SEC West Name of the Week:
COMING SOON

Rich-Rod Takes Michigan Job, WVU's Chances Of Ever Winning A National Championship

Rich Rodriguez to Michigan. Some people aren't happy about it, but we have fond recollections of Rodriguez as the OC on a 12-0 Tulane team ... and then Tulane leaving him standing on the podium wearing a green jacket ... as the AD announced they would be starting a coaching search ... and then hired Chris Scelfo ... god that's a painful memory.


Good luck, Rich!

[basically we just want you to beat Ohio State so we don't have to listen to this Tressel-is-God BS anymore]

Does This Remind You Of Anything?

So Appalachian State and Delaware are playing for the I-AA National Championship tonight on ESPN. It might interest you to hear that these are Delaware's uniforms:


Hee.

Eat, Pray, And Get Some Lovin': Dec. 14 Edition

Each week, we’ll publish an idiot-proof recipe that’ll score you some ‘tang. In return, you’ll send us pictures of the classy ladies (which we’ll post) and let us know how you did. Note that this section is not for more accomplished chefs, but for morons who just want to convince ladies that they are accomplished chefs. Expect us to talk down to you.

For an overview of Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin', go here.

Step 1: Trick a young lady into coming to your abode.

Method of the week:

Step 2: Buy and prep ingredients for White Vegetarian Chili

If you're cooking fancy French cuisine for dinner, you can almost always find a restaurant to do it better (for a price, of course). Not so with chili, the ultimate home cooking masterpiece. It's eminently flexible, so it can be halved (this recipe will give you leftovers), added to, or made without meat. "I've had a long week, and I just want to rent a movie, make comfort food, and spend time with you (see Step 4)." Anyway, the important thing here is to use a number of different kinds of chilis to get a pleasing, not-too-hot flavor.

6 cans (15.oz.) Cannellini Beans
-These are just white kidney beans, and the color is the only distinguishing factor. If you can't find them, just by "light red" kidney beans, "dark red," or a mix.
-Open cans and drain beans of their juices.
28 oz. can crushed Tomatoes.
-Drain tomatoes of their juices through a strainer.
-Add drained tomatoes to your largest roasting pan.
4 cups Chicken Stock
-Available in the soup aisle, generally in a yellow box.
-Warm stock, either over the stove or by placing in a bowl, then microwaving.
2 Poblano Chilis
-These should be near the jalapenos, and should look like skinnier bell peppers.

-If you like things rather mild, use only one. Poblanos aren't oppressively hot, but this is a personal choice thing.
-Don't touch your eyes after handling. It's called capsaicin, and it'll f'ing hurt.
-Dice 1 chili, cut the other into 1/2" chunks.
-Add chunks to roasting pan.
1 Red or Yellow Bell Pepper
-Dice half, and cut the rest into 3/4" chunks.
-Remember, morons, when cutting a pepper, remove the seeds from the inside.
-Add chunks to roasting pan.
1.5 Yellow Onions
-Dice half onion, chop whole onion into 3/4" chunks.
-Add chunks to roasting pan.
2 ears Corn
-Run your blade down the sides of the ears to separate the kernels.
-Add to roasting pan.
4 Cloves Garlic
-Hopefully, you own a garlic press at this point. Otherwise, mince.
1.5 tbs Pasilla Chili Powder
-Sweet-flavored, mild chili that balances the rest out.
1.5 tbs Ancho Chili Powder
-Smoky-flavored, still rather mild chili that adds a ton of flavor.
2 tsp. Chipotle Chili Powder
-Usually has a kick, so be careful not to overdo it. Taste before adding more.
Pinch Dried/Fresh Thyme
Salt
Pepper
-Be generous with the pepper.
Sour Cream Monterey Jack
-Grated

OPTIONAL:
If you have mushrooms or zucchini laying around the house, put them in the chili pot -- uncooked -- when you take the roasting pan out of the oven.

Step 3: Cook

1. Preheat broiler.

2. ROASTING PAN: Add all chunked vegetables along with drained tomatoes. Sprinkle generously with all three kinds of chili powder (do not subtract from above amount), salt, and pepper. Drizzle several tablespoons of olive oil over the vegetables and stir to combine. Put under broiler. Check and stir every five minutes; do not let vegetables burn. You want vegetables to singe just a bit; this should take about 20 minutes (maybe more; depends on broiler). Remove pan from oven.

3. LARGE POT/DUTCH OVEN: Add a couple of tablespoons of olive oil over medium-low heat. When pan starts to warm, add onion, pepper, and a good pinch of salt; stir. Adjust heat if necessary; you do not want onions to brown. After 7 minutes, add the garlic and stir. 1 minute later, add the beans and warm stock. The mixture should be soupy. Bring to a simmer and cook for 25 minutes. Mixture should begin to thicken; crush some beans against the side of the pot with your spatula to help the process along. Add contents of roasting pan (including liquids released) to pot. Stir.

4. Determining whether your chili is finished is simple -- does it look like chili? In the event your mixture is still soupy, raise the heat to medium to reduce it to chili form. If you need to delay dinner (due to Step 4?) and your chili looks a little dry, add some more liquid in the form of stock or water and turn the temperature to low. This is impossible to screw up.

5. Garnish with sour cream and grated cheese.

Step 4:

CWATCF Primary Voter's Guide

REPUBLICANS

John McCain: Michigan Wolverines
Mitt Romney: Alabama Crimson Tide
Mike Huckabee: South Florida Bulls
Fred Thompson: Florida State Seminoles
Rudy Giuliani: Coming Soon
Ron Paul: Coming Soon

DEMOCRATS

Barack Obama: Coming Monday
Bill Richardson: Coming Soon
John Edwards: Louisville Cardinals
Hillary Clinton: Ohio State Buckeyes

Two Weeks To Xmas! CWATCF Merchandise Available!

Since we're having a slow posting week, we figured we'd direct you to an oldie-but-goodie:

49/50 States Agree: Texas Sucks

A perfect Kwanzaa gift for your favorite fan of Oklahoma, USC, LSU, Nebraska, Arkansas, Arizona ... who are we kidding -- everyone will love this!

As always, click on the picture to buy, or go here to see other designs at the CWATCF Store.

And Your Heisman Winner Is Jesus

Blah blah blah Jesus blah blah blah family blah blah blah Gators blah blah blah God blah blah blah I was almost aborted blah blah blah Gators blah blah blah Jesus.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Can we all agree that this speech would have been much more fun if Percy Harvin was giving it? Anyway, we're sick of this "Superman" crap that's been floating around -- the boy has a Heisman, and he needs a proper nickname. Let's see ... Gator quarterback ... rocket arm ... loves the Jesus .... BOOM:

The Non-Sex Cannon

In the grand tradition of Big Daddy Drew, we present you with a recap of Tebow's night, post-handshaking:

[click]

Is that Berman? I think he's talking about me on Sportscenter. You know what? I'm not going to watch it. Pride is an unforgivable sin.

[click]

Yeah, I see the sexy booty videos on BET. But the Lord would not approve. Lust is obviously a sin. I'm Heisman-Winner Tim Tebow. I can get through this.

[breathes deeply]

And, even if I can't do it alone, I bet I'll be able to with some help from my friend Jesus. Your gyrating apple-bottoms will not tempt me, because I am one with my savior. He makes my resolve strong.

[click]

What's that? An episode of I Love New York on VH1? Oh my. That's obscene.

[click]

Hints of cleavage on Gray's Anatomy? Sinful.

[click]

Scantily clad models on Project Runway? Sinful.

[click]

Sex and the City? Lindsey Lohan sinful.

[click]

This is my pursuit of oneness with The Big Man. You can't just expect Christ to fill you without denying yourself the fleshly pursuits. You can't go into it half-hearted. You gotta firmly tell that pliant, large-breasted young lady that Tebow is saving himself for marriage. You think sexing half the Gator cheer squad is going to get you past St. Peter? You're likely damned. That ain't the way the Lord mans the pearly gates. Tim Tebow's got the spirit of self-denial. The resolve. You gotta stick with JC.

[click]

Sherri Shepherd?

[furiously masturbates]

More Breaking News

Sorry to interrupt your Friday afternoon, but we just can't hold this exciting news in any longer! Sources tell CWATCF that Larry Fedora has accepted the Southern Miss head coaching job. This news is so hot that no one else will even touch it. IT BURNS! Oh yeah, Larry Fedora is in some sort of assistant role at Oklahoma State. The school that gave us this guy:

UPDATE: EVEN MORE BREAKING NEWS!

American Gladiators is BACK! And it will be hosted by Hulk Hogan and Muhammad Ali's son.

UPDATE (Irons):

1. Picture of Les "The Hat" Miles. New coach named "Fedora." Zero headwear jokes.

That's how much respect we have for you, dear readers.

2. Those of you outside the southeast might be a bit unfamiliar with Southern Miss. There are many good reasons for this, but we'll try to fill you in on what Coach Fedora has gotten himself into:

USM is located in Hattiesburg, a lovely cow town in the southern part of the state -- think Auburn, but with less charm. Over the years, the school has established itself as a solidly third-tier Mississippi academic option (which is an achievement on par with Minnesota's 0-8 record in Big Ten play). With the moderate success of their football program over the years, USM fans have become known for cheering their team on with class and dignity being ungodly low-rent assholes. You may know many of their alumni by name -- it's surprisingly easy, as the vast majority have it stitched on their work shirts. Of course, there are some famous ones as well, which are pretty representative of the school as a whole:

Drunks

Addicts

Whores

Good luck, Coach Beret Fedora!

UPDATE #3 (Irons):

Speaking of cow towns, Bacon gets an extension.

Breaking News

Paul Johnson to Georgia Tech.

Oh, and Heidi Klum is still hot.

Rubbing it in, day by day

Oh, it's a long drive to the Independence Bowl. I-20 the entire way. Slow yesterday. Even slower today. Might be slow tomorrow.

At least there is some nice scenery along the drive:


On second thought, the Alabama travel agent might want to propose an alternate route:

Where You Can Go, And What You Can Do With Yourself: Dec. 5

Each Wednesday, we'll provide you with gratuitous pictures of breasts, links to our favorite stuff, and a rundown of posting for the next week. No other blog does this, and we feel like we're filling a void.

Email us with your tips at cwatcf@gmail.com, and we'll post 'em right up.

Gigi enjoys covering her nipples. Because as long as you do that, you're a model. NOT a pornstar, DAD!


BLOG SCHEDULE

Friday: Eat, Pray, and Get Some Lovin'
Monday: SEC Names of The Week: Dec. 10 Edition
Wednesday: Irons' Weekly Rant.

STUFF YOU SHOULD READ

"What we want them to do is present themselves as a rose to their husband with no blemishes."
Purity Balls are the hot new place to cruise for easy, non-herpes-ridden naive chicks. And to hear creepy lines like "At the next [ball], her father gave her a pearl necklace." Those wacky evangelicals!

Sherri Shepherd, the Charlie Weis of daytime talk shows.



She also thinks the world is flat. Seriously. Funny thing is, this is proof that Barbara Walters -- not Sherri Shepherd -- is the dumbest human being alive. Had The View kept Rosie, it would probably be the single greatest show in the history of television.

THINGS WE HATE (updated weekly)

1. Weather update cut-ins during football games.
2. Herbstreit. He kicked off Championship Saturday with wildly inaccurate and potentially damaging comments about LSU, and proceeded to announce one of the worst games in the history of awful announcing: "And the Pitt Steelers have the ball on WVU's 30 ..."
3. The NFL Network. Seriously, drop it already.


THINGS WE LOVE (updated weekly)

1. God raining bear-maulings on the hataz.
2. Joe Gibbs, memorializing Sean Taylor by shooting himself in the foot. RIP, Sean!
3. Charlie Weis joining the Committee for People With Intellectual Disabilities.

11 Most Evil SEC Coaches: Inconsiderate Bastards

Dear Meddlesome SEC Boosters, Trigger-Happy Athletic Directors, and Rabbit-Eared University Presidents,

This is for you:


You know what sucks? Yes, Ed Orgeron, but more to the point: coming up with a solid blog topic, having some success with it ... aaaaaaand then having half the coaches you've written about fired (in some way, shape or form -- let's not get into semantics). And this doesn't count the potential voluntary departures: Miles could still go to Michigan, Tuberville (extension or no) is a money-grubbing devil-spawn, and as we all know, Saban is available to anyone who can afford current salary + $1.

So screw you guys, we're on hiatus. We'll pick this up again when you're considerate enough to stop canning people's asses.

Except Fulmer. You can fire Fulmer anytime.

One Team, One Nutt

We are all so proud of the Big Guy. One Team, One Nutt, and he is just the man to lead Ole Miss to their first SEC Championship since 1962, first national championship since like 1842, and first appearance in the SEC Title Game...ever. Here's to hoping you nutt up and beat Vanderbilt!

Look for this bumper sticker to appear on vehicles all over the Deep South:


However, I probably wouldn't hold your breath for this one to catch on!

CWATCF Merchandise: Got Nutt?

Congratulations, Ole Miss ladies -- CWATCF has a super-sexy way for you to celebrate your new coach and impress the members of your favorite fraternity!

You'll be excited to hear that this design comes in spaghetti tops, t-shirts, maternity wear, and even teddy bears for the perverts out there! Go here buy got nutt?-wear, or go to the CWATCF Store to browse our full line of amazing designs.

So Fucking Fired (updated daily)

And we've officially entered the college football silly season, where incompetence is rewarded and delusional boosters run wild: "5-7? We are BAYLOR. We win NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS at Baylor! Get me Nick Saban!"

As a public service, we'll provide you with an up-to-date list of future life insurance salesmen:

Karl Dorrell, Ex-UCLA Bruin

Sonny Lubick, Colorado State Rams

Bill Doba, Ex-Washington State Cougar

Houston Nutt, Ex-Arkansas Razorback

Ted Roof, Ex-Duke Blue Devil

Jeff Bower, Ex-Southern Miss Golden Eagle

Chan Gailey, Ex-Georgia Tech Yellowjacket

Ed Orgeron, Ex-Ole Miss Rebel

Dennis Franchione, Ex-Texas A&M Aggie

Bill Callahan, Ex-Nebraska Cornhusker

Phil Novak, Ex-Northern Illinois Huskie

Phil Bennett, Ex-Southern Methodist University Mustang

Guy Morris, Ex-Baylor Bear

Note: Some readers have questioned our use of the term "fired." Trust us, Houston "FOIA Request" Nutt was just as fucking fired (despite what you're hearing about him being offered a raise) as Bill "Allowed 37.9 PPG" Callahan. And that's all we have to say about that.

SEC Names Of The Week: Dec. 3 Edition

The clear #1 reason to have children? The opportunity to brand them with a ridiculous moniker that they’ll carry with them for the rest of their days. Thanks to a wonderful confluence of immigration, Yuppies, and a generally terrible education system, today’s America is a brilliant moment in child-labeling – sort of a Golden Age for Retarded Names, if you will.

Fortunately, many of these blessed children play football in the SEC. Each week in this space, we will introduce you to two of them.

For an introduction to the SEC Football Names of the Week, go here.

SEC East Name of the Week:

Andre' Woodson, QB, Kentucky Wildcats

Bad mo'fo' and future high NFL draft pick Andre' has either an apostrophe or an accent on the "e" in his last name, which leaves us with two options:

1. The second half of his name is invisible.
2. We are all pronouncing his name incorrectly.
   

Discuss.

SEC West Name of the Week:

De'Mon Glanton, DB, Mississippi State Bulldogs



Young son: "Mommy, did you and Daddy plan to have me, or was I an accident?"
Mother: "Sweetheart, we named you after a minion of Satan, so what do you think? Now go play with your brother Lou'Cypher and your sister Antee'Crist."

10 Ruminations On Chaos And Idiocy: Ohio State-LSU It Is

Glad to see that the intra-blog taunting has begun. Thanks, guys. One of the saddest moments a person can feel in life is realizing that the people you choose to spend your time with are huge assholes and you hate them very much.

Anyway, I think there are a few points that should be addressed:

1. The BCS system objectively sucks. This evening, actual Mark May quote: "I think that these teams [in the BCS championship] are two of the best in the nation." Slip of the tongue or no, the man makes a valid point. They are two of the best. The two best? Hell if I know. Can someone rationally explain to me why the winner of this game should have any greater claim to call themselves Champion than the winner of Va. Tech-Kansas? Or even USC-West Fucking Virginia?

2. Mark Richt's comments about the BCS rules are dead-on. To play in the national championship, there is currently no requirement that a team play in its conference title game. That said, there probably should be. But A) that's not the system we have and B) the conferences have incredibly different modes of crowning a champion. The fact that the Big Ten doesn't have a championship game is manifestly unfair. Last year, for example, Ohio State missed a scorching-hot Wisconsin team in the regular season. That's ... ah ... what's the word ... bullshit. Every conference needs a championship game, or no conference should have one. Letting some Big Ten/Pac 10 team backdoor the BCS Championship every year is freaking retarded.

3. The influence the talking heads have on the process is absurd. Pollsters: wake up, watch the damn games, and make up your own mind. Or turn in your voting privileges. One or the other. Listening to Herbstreit et al. blather on last night about how Ohio State and LSU were locks for the game. Be honest: how many voters filled out their ballots based on his statements alone?

A large part of this is a fourth wall problem. Somehow, we still attach an incredible amount of importance to the arbitrary, often-ill considered opinions of the ESPN morons -- even while having, thanks to the internet, a wealth of analytical tools at our disposal that should allow us to make decisions that are better informed and far more intelligent. Baseball fans went through this a decade or so ago, when stat nerds (starting with Bill James) and everyday bloggers helped us realize that we knew as much about baseball as the average GM. But guess what? Change is slow. We still have Dusty Baker decrying high-OBP guys as "clogging up the bases" and idiot GMs like Ed Wade sign sub-.700 OPS guys like Kaz Matsui to 3-year, $16.5 million contracts. But change is coming.

Football can roll in the same direction. We may not be able to break the game down statistically to the degree of MLB, but you know what? I'm willing to bet that most of us watch a damn sight more football than half the analysts, and I'm pretty sure my IQ exceeds Herbstreit's by a power of three.

4. Look, I don't think the Dawgs should be playing in the NC. This is a young team that far exceeded middling expectations and put together one hell of a season. That they're going to a BCS bowl would have been unthinkable in mid-October, but they gelled, found a running back, and have a great foundation laid for next year. Two losses, though -- a close one to South Carolina and a blowout of epic proportions to Tennessee (don't let the 35-14 final score fool you; it was an ass-kicking) disqualify you ... in a normal year. This year? Weeeeeeeeeeeeell:

5. LSU should go. Here are their victories, roughly ranked from best to worst (ranks are BCS, losses are red):

#3 Virginia Tech	11-2
#12 Florida	9-3
#16 Tennessee	9-4
#23 Auburn	8-4
#27 Arkansas	8-4
Kentucky	7-5
South Carolina	6-6
Mississippi State	7-5
Alabama	6-6
Middle Tennessee	5-7
Mississippi	3-9
Tulane	4-8
Louisiana Tech	5-7

They got beat by a smoking-hot Woodson and Superman himself ... and the two losses took a combined 6 overtimes. Combined with the great four wins and incredible depth of schedule (7 solidly tough games) they're as worthy a 2-loss national championship team as there ever will be.

6. And here's Georgia:

#12 Florida	9-3
#16 Tennessee	9-4
#23 Auburn	8-4
#38 Kentucky	7-5
Georgia Tech	7-5
South Carolina	6-6
Oklahoma State	6-6
Alabama	6-6
Troy	8-4
Vanderbilt	5-7
Mississippi	3-9
Western Carolina	1-10

Similar to LSU in depth of schedule (8-9 solid games), but the marquee Va. Tech-quality win isn't there. The losses aren't terrible, but they're not ones you can write off, either.

7. Oklahoma:

#6 Missouri	11-2
#6 Missouri	11-2
#19 Texas	9-3
Texas Tech	8-4
Texas A&M	7-5
Tulsa	9-4
Oklahoma State	6-6
Colorado	6-6
Miami (FL)	5-7
Baylor	3-9
Iowa State	3-9
Utah State	2-10
North Texas	2-10

Not nearly as much depth as the UGA schedule, but the big-time wins are there over Mizzou. If, that is, you think Missouri is a killer. I happen to believe in the Tigers, but I don't think the Sooners played another team worth a damn. Be honest: what does Tennessee, Auburn, Kentucky, or Arkansas do in the Big 12? I'm not sold, but if you want to make a case for this team, I'd listen.

8. Ohio State

#13 Illinois	9-3
#18 Wisconsin	9-3
Michigan	8-4
Penn State	8-4
Purdue	7-5
Michigan State	7-5
Washington	4-9
Northwestern	6-6
Kent State	3-9
Akron	4-8
Youngstown State	N/A
Minnesota	1-11

Ugh. Who did they beat? No, seriously -- who? The best win I can see is over Wisconsin, a solidly middle-of-the-pack team (do any of you gambling-minded folks really think they'll be favored over Arkansas in the Capitol One Bowl?). The next is over Michigan, they of the embarrassing Div. 1-AA loss. Out of conference games included a struggling Washington team and three Powder Puff teams (to be fair, their in-conference schedule included three Powder Puff teams, too). At the end of the day, this is nothing more than a boringly efficient team in a pathetic conference. They were never tested, save at Illinois ... which they failed.

Ask yourself this: with this schedule, is there any way this team could have lost more than one game? Does Tennessee lose a game with this schedule? Is LSU even pushed? There are at least 15 teams in the country who I could see going 11-1 playing this slate of games, and at least 10 who'd have even-money odds of running the table.

Both Georgia and Oklahoma are more deserving.

9. But it's Ohio State-LSU. 41-14 redux.

10. And at times like this, when all is lost and the world smells like Mangino, all we have to comfort our downtrodden souls is spite: